Job-beard the Pirate

[pinataheart]

Chapter 1
1. In the days of much pillaging there was one who was much loyal to the great Flying Spaghetti Monster and he went by the name of Job-beard the Pirate.
2. Through much pains did Job-beard do all his things in the most pirate-like manner; going through great pains to always swab the poop deck, weigh anchor, and say "Yar" in every sentence. Truly, even his "Yar" had a "Yar" and only those who were the wisest of pirates could even understand him.
3. On a certain day, in the sky above Job-beard's grand vessel, did the Burrowing Gruel Beast meet with the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
4. Then spake the great Flying Spaghetti Monster:"What have you been doing, dude?"
5. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "I have gone hither and thither and whither and this-a-way and that-a-way and all sorts-a different ways seeking who may devour me instead of you"
6. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "Not cool, dude. Well surely there aren't many who would be dumb enough to devour you instead of me."
7. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "Verily, verily, and very much so too, I say that there is no pirate under the sun that, with the right provocation, consultation, and temptation would say no to me over you; for all pirates are fools."
8. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "What about my best bud, Job-beard, there is no piratier a pirate than he."
9. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "I tell you, I says I bet that if'in ya give me a day, no wait two days, no just give me a bit, and I will make him hate you, and your meatballs too!"
10. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "I bet you are wrong."
11. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "So you are fixin' to give me permission to temptify this youngin'?"
12. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "No way, dude! I wouldn't let you do anything to hurt my buddy! Back off man! Back off! I wasn't talking literally!"
13. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "Damn."
Chapter 2
1. But lo, the Burrowing Gruel Beast was a cunning and tricky beast and concocted an evil plan.
2. Burrowing back in time, the beast came upon a man standing near a burning cannabis plant and said unto him,"I am the Lord thy God. Worshipify me and stuff."
3. And lo the man, intoxicated by the fumes of the plant, said,"Whoa, man, heavy. That bush is like, totally talking and stuff. And it is burning, but like, it isn't being consumed by the fire."
4. And the Burrowing Gruel Beast said unto him,"Yes, yes, it is a miracle. Just rememberify what I be sayin'. I am the true god and junk. Don't believe that stupid Flying Spaghetti Monster. A real god goes down deep into the burning fiery core of the earth and back."
5. And lo the man said,"Whoa I will totally remember that."
6. But later when the Beast had left and the man returned to his people, his mind became fuzzy because of the fumes of the plant. But the man did preach as best he could, but lo, he told his people that god was flying in the sky above, and forgetting the whole story, he made up the name of "Yahweh" for the god, and said that we were made in that god's image.
Chapter 3
1. And behold when the Burrowing Gruel Beast returned to the time of Job-beard the Flying Spaghetti Monster was waiting, glaring at him.
2. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster in righteous anger:"Did I not tell you to back off?"
3. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "So I assume that Job-beard has been changed?"
4. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "No, but some crazy wierdos are now going around and sacrificing sheep and stoning people to death. As punishment you must fix this, I command it!"
5. And because even the Burrowing Gruel Beast could not disobey that direct of a command from the Flying Spaghetti Monster, he went back to fix is wrong.
6. And lo, he could not stop the new religion from forming, but he tried to end it peacefully in a manner of his own.
7. He came across a certain young woman who was known as a virgin and through the sneaking of his gruel into her food, impregnated her with his child, the dark gruel magic therein having strange effects of hallucinations on all that were near the woman.
8. And when the child was older the gruel magic kicked in and drove him insane to think to sacrifice himself as the ultimate sacrifice, and thus, hopefully, ending the need to sacrifice any more forever.
9. And thinking he had done a good work, the Burrowing Gruel Demon returned to the time of Job-beard once again.
Chapter 4
1. And behold when the Burrowing Gruel Beast returned to the time of Job-beard the Flying Spaghetti Monster was waiting, glaring at him.
2. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "What have you done?!"
3. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "Saved the world, not of my own free will, might I add."
4. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "Now day in and day out whenever Job-beard returns to port, the landlubbers go on and on about some Jesus fellow. Crusades are fought in his name. Millions of innocents persecuted just because of what they believe in."
5. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "OK. I am pure evil and even I have to say that that is a bit harsh."
6. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "But you did get what you wished. Upon one visit to port, my poor buddy Job-beard was sent to prison and forced to eat gruel for being a pirate."
7. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast with enthusiasm in wonder: "And?! What did he think?"
8. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "He thought it was tasteless and gray and it made him further appreciate the goodness that is Spaghetti."
9. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "Damn."
10. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "Better luck next time."

[Tigger_the_Wing]

I like this!

Although, it might be an idea to change some names to protect the innocent/guilty?

[pinataheart]

Yeah... Names could be changed. It is pretty obvious what this is so there is no reason that Job-beard should be given this same name. It is just the first thing I thought of.
So maybe Half-Beard the Pirate? And I include in one of the verses that he was so devoted to the Flying Spaghetti Monster that he used his own face to protect his spaghetti from a fire on his first ship, that fire burning off half of his beard.

[pinataheart]

EDITED:
Chapter 1
1. In the days of much pillaging there was one who was much loyal to the great Flying Spaghetti Monster and he went by the name of Half-Beard the Pirate.
2. Through much pains did Half-beard do all his things in the most pirate-like manner; going through great pains to always swab the poop deck, weigh anchor, and say "Yar" in every sentence; the one time he forgot he shaved off half his beard as penance. Truly, even his "Yar" had a "Yar" and only those who were the wisest of pirates could even understand him.
3. On a certain day, in the sky above Half-beard's grand vessel, did the Burrowing Gruel Beast meet with the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
4. Then spake the great Flying Spaghetti Monster:"What have you been doing, dude?"
5. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "I have gone hither and thither and whither and this-a-way and that-a-way and all sorts-a different ways seeking who may devour me instead of you"
6. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "Not cool, dude. Well surely there aren't many who would be dumb enough to devour you instead of me."
7. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "Verily, verily, and very much so too, I say that there is no pirate under the sun that, with the right provocation, consultation, and temptation would say no to me over you; for all pirates are fools."
8. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "What about my best bud, Half-beard, there is no piratier a pirate than he."
9. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "I tell you, I says I bet that if'in ya give me a day, no wait two days, no just give me a bit, and I will make him hate you, and your meatballs too!"
10. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "I bet you are wrong."
11. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "So you are fixin' to give me permission to temptify this youngin'?"
12. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "No way, dude! I wouldn't let you do anything to hurt my buddy! Back off man! Back off! I wasn't talking literally!"
13. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "Damn."
Chapter 2
1. But lo, the Burrowing Gruel Beast was a cunning and tricky beast and concocted an evil plan.
2. Burrowing back in time, the beast came upon a man standing near a burning cannabis plant and said unto him,"I am the Lord thy God. Worshipify me and stuff."
3. And lo the man, intoxicated by the fumes of the plant, said,"Whoa, man, heavy. That bush is like, totally talking and stuff. And it is burning, but like, it isn't being consumed by the fire."
4. And the Burrowing Gruel Beast said unto him,"Yes, yes, it is a miracle. Just rememberify what I be sayin'. I am the true god and junk. Don't believe that stupid Flying Spaghetti Monster. A real god goes down deep into the burning fiery core of the earth and back."
5. And lo the man said,"Whoa I will totally remember that."
6. But later when the Beast had left and the man returned to his people, his mind became fuzzy because of the fumes of the plant. But the man did preach as best he could, but lo, he told his people that god was flying in the sky above, and forgetting the whole story, he made up the name of "Yahweh" for the god, and said that we were made in that god's image.
Chapter 3
1. And behold when the Burrowing Gruel Beast returned to the time of Half-beard the Flying Spaghetti Monster was waiting, glaring at him.
2. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster in righteous anger:"Did I not tell you to back off?"
3. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "So I assume that Half-beard has been changed?"
4. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "No, but some crazy wierdos are now going around and sacrificing sheep and stoning people to death. As punishment you must fix this, I command it!"
5. And because even the Burrowing Gruel Beast could not disobey that direct of a command from the Flying Spaghetti Monster, he went back to fix is wrong.
6. And lo, he could not stop the new religion from forming, but he tried to end it peacefully in a manner of his own.
7. He came across a certain young woman who was known as a virgin and through the sneaking of his gruel into her food, impregnated her with his child, the dark gruel magic therein having strange effects of hallucinations on all that were near the woman.
8. And when the child was older the gruel magic kicked in and drove him insane to think to sacrifice himself as the ultimate sacrifice, and thus, hopefully, ending the need to sacrifice any more forever.
9. And thinking he had done a good work, the Burrowing Gruel Beast returned to the time of Half-beard once again.
Chapter 4
1. And behold when the Burrowing Gruel Beast returned to the time of Half-beard the Flying Spaghetti Monster was waiting, glaring at him.
2. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "What have you done?!"
3. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "Saved the world, not of my own free will, might I add."
4. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "Now day in and day out whenever Half-beard returns to port, the landlubbers go on and on about some Jesus fellow. Crusades are fought in his name. Millions of innocents persecuted just because of what they believe in."
5. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "OK. I am pure evil and even I have to say that that is a bit harsh."
6. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "But you did get what you wished. Upon one visit to port, my poor buddy Half-beard was sent to prison and forced to eat gruel for being a pirate."
7. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast with enthusiasm in wonder: "And?! What did he think?"
8. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "He thought it was tasteless and gray and it made him further appreciate the goodness that is Spaghetti."
9. Then spake the Burrowing Gruel Beast: "Damn."
10. Then spake the Flying Spaghetti Monster: "Better luck next time."

[Qwertyuiopasd]

I dunno if this is what Tig meant, but I'm not sure that's the name I would change. Job-beard is actually hilarious.

I think it's a brilliant take on Job, and the Burrowing Gruel Beast is an excellent counter to the FSM, I'm surprsied no one has come up with something similar before. But this may be difficult to Cannonize because it is pretty obviously harsh against the Christian faith. Saying that someone else's deity is really just our version of satan is not going to get us many friends.

I do like the twist at the end, how he ends up eating gruel. I would just say to tone down the "Christian God is actually just the Gruel Beast" and be a little kinder to Jesus. He really was an alright fellow.

Just my $.02. I don't mean to sound critical. It really is very clever!

[Tigger_the_Wing]

Thanks, Qwerty - that was exactly what I meant. The whole point of Pastafarianism is that religious beliefs are subjective and therefore cannot be disproved; which means that religious tenets should not be taught in a science classroom which is for passing on to our offspring the facts (not myths) about the functioning of the universe that we and our ancestors have so far discovered.

By creating a whole new religion, Bobby (pbuh) showed that all religions are man-made ways of explaining apparently inexplicable phenomena and therefore equally valid and equally worthy of respect (and equally entitled to be taught as science - i.e not at all).

Pastafarianism most definitely is not an anti-Christian religion and, by ridiculing the Abrahamic religions, your otherwise excellent and highly amusing tale descended into spitefuless.

Job-beard is a very amusing name. Having a Pirate struggle with the anthropomorphised human concepts of Good and Evil and giving them new, Pastafarian, names is inspired.

Just lay off the idea that someone else's God is our devil, OK? Ta!

[Ubi Dubius]

Gnostic Christians believe that the God of the Old Testament is the Devil of the New and vice versa. So, Pinataheart's story is consistent with and non-offensive to at least one sect of Christianity. Of course, that sect was wiped out 1500 years or so ago.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

I like it. Might even be Canon worthy, at least to Apocrypha. Job is one of my favorite books of the Bible, so I like a good Pastafarian version.

Just lay off the idea that someone else's God is our devil, OK? Ta!

To be fair, Satan was referred to as the accuser and was seen as more of an agent of God, not really totally evil

[Qwertyuiopasd]

Saying Moses was a pothead, calling early christians/hebrews "crazy weirdos stoning people," and saying Jesus is the product of dark gruel magic, and insane is not something I can condone.

I'd suggest just making it ninjas, or something less directly offensive. I really feel that this sends the wrong message.

[Ham Nox]

I'd suggest just making it ninjas, or something less directly offensive. I really feel that this sends the wrong message.

Hey! The Pastafarian Ninja / Pirate Association of Utah takes offense at that statement!

[Ubi Dubius]

And I'm offended that you're offended. So there.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

Saying Moses was a pothead, calling early christians/hebrews "crazy weirdos stoning people," and saying Jesus is the product of dark gruel magic, and insane is not something I can condone.

I'd suggest just making it ninjas, or something less directly offensive. I really feel that this sends the wrong message.

Yeah, now that I'm sober I'd have to agree with you. We are big on tolerance after all.

[Ham Nox]

So. If we're likin' the Gruel Beast then are we doing an Anti-Past after all?

[Qwertyuiopasd]

Faith based text, remember? Various conflicting accounts on everything. Hell, if there's one thing we should be really confused about, it's who our enemy is, since we really don't have one/want one/need one.

[Ham Nox]

Dang, you really think this stuff through don't ya?