IS THE NOODLY ONE A BURNER?
(OR ....WHY I BELIEVE THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER LOVES BURNING MAN)
I would like to post a spiritual, metaphysical observation. And an invitation.
For several years, I have been attending Burning Man, the great annual transcendant convergance that takes place the week before Labor Day in the northern Nevada desert. And having been ‘saved’ by my discovery of the true nature of our one and only Deity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, I recently realized the deep and profound connection between his Noodliness and the events on the Playa ( the dusty expanse where the Man is built, surrounded by other eclectic pieces of art, then burned in celebration at the end of the week.)
I BELIEVE THAT DURING THE WEEK OF BURNING MAN, THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER IS IN CONSTANT PHYSICAL & METAPHYSICAL PRESENCE IN BLACK ROCK CITY (BRC), BATHING ATTENDANTS IN HIS LOVE, GRACE AND ETERNAL BENEFICIENCE.
I have reflected on His wonderful characteristics, what He enjoys, and the atmosphere I experience annually out on the Playa. And I have concluded, the FSM is a total Burner!!!!!!
I offer the following observations as proof:
1. The past several years I have seen 1, if not 2-3, pirate ships in full bucaneer regalia, ‘sailing’ the dusty main of the Black Rock ‘sea’. Tall masts, white sails, planks (for disposal of scallywags & magistrates of the law) ... the whole deal.
Now, we all know that Pirates are the The Al Dente’ Diety’s Chosen People. Sadly, pirates are an endangered species, provable not only by the correlation between declining Pirate populations and the increase in global temperature ( a well documented fact.) but also by the death of our culture’s intrinsic swashbuckling natures. Given pirates emperiled state, wouldn’t the FSM come to watch and guard his Bucanneers if there was any significant gathering ?
2. Wenches. What can I say?
Wenches ABOUND at BM. In BRC, they are plentiful, wanton, lustful and very, very forward. I KNOW this is pleasing in our Pasta Padre’s eyes. You can practically see his 2 eye stalks popping at the sight of so many wonderful, ample bosoms. Bosoms come in all shapes and sizes at BRC: S, M, L, XL.---->4XL, you name it. Bared, covered, corseted, painted....you can’t convince me HE is not reaching down, fondling His share of bodacious hooters, sending His love.
Wenches celebrate His love by participating in the ‘Critical Tits Parade’, riding their bikes bare breasted throught the entire city like Boudicea routing the Romans. A magnificent sight.
3. “Playa Hair”. This is the name given to what most Burners experience on their heads by the end of the week, when their hair is clumped, spiked, matted or in many other forms mangled beyond all normal recognition. It is rite of passage, an embrace of everything BRC has to offer.
Now..... most people erroneously attriibute this change in their Burn coiffure to the effects of their hair being coated with a week’s worth of Playa dust, a nice alkali powder the consistency of talc that just gets...everywhere. (And I DO mean everywhere-no nook/crannny is safe) That coupled with sleeping in a tent ( or perhaps someplace else less savory) or perhaps not sleeping at all....you’d look like you slept in a dumpster too.
I propose a radically different explanation.
IF the FSM is out at BM, spending the entire week, watching over all His happy revelers, bucaneers, ne’er do wells, 24/7, it stands to reason, nay!!, it would be OBVIOUS He is reaching out His Tender Tendrils, stroking and caressing us all constantly.
The reason Burners have such tangled hair is that it is being constantly mussed up by His Noodly Appendages!!! We are all experiencing Noodly Nuggies on a cosmic scale!!!!
4. The BM “High”: This phenomenon, experienced by most attendants, is the euphoric, peaceful, loving feeling that comes from particpating in the event. The longer you are out there, the more pronounced the feeling. (For ex, those who go out early and set up at the begining of the week are SOOOO mellow and gracious.) You find that perfect strangers out there are friendly and giving.
Hungry? Someone (usually many) will offer you food. Thirsty? Libations will come your way; the tasty, refreshing kind, requiring a certain age to drink in the outside world, as well as (if not crucially) lots and lots of cool, clear water. Everyone will make sure you are getting enough water, keeing hydrated is essential to a successful Burn and your fellow Burners will take care of you. Cold? Spare clothes will be offered freely.
BRC is an ‘instant city’ of ~ 50K, sproutng up over the course of 1 week. Yet crime is minimal, and people, tho rowdy & boisterous, are fairly well behaved & extremely generous toward one another.
I believe this loving ‘high’ is the direct consequence of being ‘loved on’ so thoroughly and directly by His Noodliness. This feeling of love and well being usually lasts for sometime ‘Post Burn’. It is described as a warm, tingly feeling down deep inside ( not to be confused with loss of bladder control) and is accompanied by the urge to smile spontaneously, hug strangers, be courteous and kind to everyone and a pronounced difficulty in re-entering what is known as “the rat race”or “the daily grind”. For a lucky few or those who attend year after year, it is possible to extend this feeling for most of the year.
For all the reasons I have enumerated above, I firmly believe that the FSM is parked directly and persistently over Black Rock City during the event known as Burning Man. He gathers there, extending His loving Presence to all particpants.