"GENESIS"/HISTORY

[Qwertyuiopasd]

you'll have to read DaveL's "The Book of Midget" thread for that answer.

[darren996]

Okay. I haven't read that. If it isn't right then I can change it to match. Here's what I got so far:


In the beginning, the Flying Spaghetti Monster created a cooking vessel Of exceedingly great size. The cooking

vessel was without heat and empty. Darkness was at the bottom. The Flying Spaghetti Monster was hovering over the

enormous cooking vessel. The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be water," and there was water. The Flying

Spaghetti Monster moved upon the surface of the water, and saw that it was without salt. The Flying Spaghetti Monster

salted the water and it was good.

There was evening and there was morning, one day.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be a fire under the vessel and let it heat the water." And lo the water began to boil. The Flying Spaghetti Monster called the water, "Hot," and it was so. The Flying Spaghetti

Monster said, "Let there be pasta in the midst of the water," and there was pasta. The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that it was good.

There was evening and there was morning, a second day.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be olive oil in the midst of the pasta so that it may not stick unto itself." The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let us make pasta in our image, after our likeness: Let every noodle be al dente."

There was evening and there was morning, a third day.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Behold, I have seasoned you every noodle with sauce, which is on the surface of all the pasta." The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw that it was good.

There was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Let there be an expanse of meatballs in the midst of the pasta, and let it divide the pasta from the pasta." The Flying Spaghetti Monster saw everything that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.

On the fifth day the Flying Spaghetti Monster finished his pasta which he had made; and he rested on the fifth day from all his work which he had made.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster slept and dreamed a dream.

Whilst he slept the pasta which he had made from his pasta grew. The pasta grew and formed the expanse of the sky.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster dreamt of lights in the expanse of the sky to be signs for the seasons and for the days and the years.

Again the pasta grew and formed the foundations of the earth. The Flying Spaghetti Monster dreamt of mountains and valleys and forest of trees and the shore and of seas and the murky depths. As he dreamt all these things came to pass.

Again the pasta grew and formed the fowl that may fly above the earth and the creatures large and small that swim in the sea. All these things came to pass from the pasta of his pasta.

The creatures of the sea and birds of the air begat other creatures and birds of a diffent kind, such was the power of the primordial pasta. The Flying Spaghetti Monster again dreamed a dream of creatures that begat creatures of different kinds and so on and so forth.

The creatures that begat creatures of other kinds spread nearly to infinity as was the power of the pasta of his pasta. Soon the forest were alive with creatures that begat creatures of other kinds. Creatures that were creepy and crawly and buzzing and hissing.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster beheld the dream that he had dreamed and saw two small creatures emerge from the forest therein. The small creatures came upon the sleeping Flying Spaghetti Monster. The small creatures had two legs and two arms and two eyes and two ears and walked upright.

The small creatures looked upon the Flying Spaghetti Monster with the Spirit of the Holy Cannoli. The Flying Spaghetti Monster, startled by this, awoke from the dream he had dreamt and realized the things he dreamt had come to pass.

He looked upon the small creatures and spoke, "Behold, you look upon your Father, the Lord, as you are pasta of my pasta. Remember this day, the fifth day, and keep it holy." The creatures looked on the Flying Spaghetti Monster and bade him, "Arrr!!"

[Dr. Otis Lansa]

Here's an excerpt from the False Prophecies that might help take care of stuff before the beginning (including the origin of Him). The word play makes it next to indecipherable, just the way a good creation text should be.

The Book of Someth

Chapter 1
1 Before the beginning, there was All, and in All was Being. All was spread in many directions, and by direction was split into many parts. 2 Three parts of All were held apart from the others, and these parts were called Noth, because they were Nothing. Because they were Nothing, Noth was very tiny. 3 The part of All in which there was Being was Rest.

Chapter 2
At the beginning, a portion of Being began to focus on Noth. Being directed its Being towards Noth, and with a push, Became. 2 Noth was exploded by this Becoming and grew madly, to become Someth, for now it was Something. 3 The Rest was crushed by the explosion to become as small as Noth, but it was not Nothing because it was still Being.

Chapter 3
1 When Being Became in Someth, it was Something, because it Was in Someth. In Becoming, Being pierced Someth as one force, like a sword of fire. 2 As the Becoming became, Being began to cool and divide as Matter in Someth. All that is Something came from this Matter.

Chapter 4
1 As Being became changed in form within Someth, Being in the Rest likewise became changed in form. The form of Being in the Rest was drawn in a fourth direction from the three directions of Someth, and was drawn beyond into many directions of All. 2 The form of Being in the fourth part of All is to Someth as strands of pasta are to two directions of Someth. Thusly, in Becoming Matter in Someth, Being became Hyper Noodly in the Rest. 3 All that is Something is the manifestation of His Noodly Presence. 4 In this was the first Becoming.

Chapter 5
1 The Matter that was Being did clump together into small pieces of Matter, and these pieces of Matter did clump together, yet were still small of mass. 2 Though they were light, the pieces of Matter did collect and swirl and became hot, and there was light. By the release of light from the Matter, the pieces of matter did become heavier, and many kinds of Matter were formed.

Chapter 6
1 The places where Matter becomes light are the Suns, of which many there have been and many there will be. 2 In their days of dying, some Suns did explode with much light, to produce many types of heavy matter; other Suns did compress into Dotters. 3 In these events are reflected the explosion of Noth and the contraction of Rest.

Chapter 7
1 Matter, being of Being, was drawn to Being as Matter, and so did the Matter in Someth begin to join together in pieces. 2 And many pieces became round, and so went round and round each other. 3 Matter became spread far across Someth, and where there was no Matter, Someth was almost Nothing, but because it was Someth it was still Something, but not much. 4 Much Matter was near the Suns, and what was away from the Suns didn't much matter. 5 From the light of the Suns, Matter became warm, and did cleave unto other Matter. 6 In this was the second Becoming.

[Pterorhynchus]

The Book of Histories (in progress - first two chapters)

Chapter 1: The Creation
Here are the accounts of the creation of the Earth as has been revealed to mankind by the Noodley Master.
In the beginning, there was the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who always was and always shall be. Then with His Noodley Appendage He formed the Universe in His Noodley Image and created all that there is of small noodles. Thus began the Creation of the Universe. He formed the Heavens and the stars and the planets and the moon and the sun and all that is beyond the Earth. On the second day He created His dwelling place that is beyond all things and where all who honor the Pasta shall come to live with Him when the time comes. Then, when He saw that it was complete, He created on the third and fourth days the Earth as the home for His Promised Ones to whom He would one day reveal himself to.
First He created the land and the waters and then he created the airs. He then proceeded to separate the waters from the land and the airs from the land and the waters. Then he began to create life. First He formed the mountains, then, with the touch of His Noodley Appendage, He created the trees and the plants and then he created the midget. When He saw the Midgit, he spake to him: “You are the first of the chosen ones and it shall be to you that I shall reveal myself. You are forever blessed! Go forth and proclaim this revelation to those that shall hear it.â€￾ And so on the fourth day The Flying Spaghetti Monster continued the Creation of the Earth. In the waters he placed the fish to inhabit it, on the lands He placed all the creatures of the land, and in the sky He placed the birds. Then, The Noodley One created the man and the woman, to whom, when the time came, would receive the Word of their Creator and would forever worship Him.
Thus ends the creation of the Universe and all that is in it.

Chapter 2: The Story of Barbus
The first man and woman begat a son who came to be known as Barbus for he came to have a large, thick, black beard, and they begat many more sons and daughters afterward, but Barbus was their firstborn, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster looked onto him with great favor. Barbus became the first pirate to ever sail the seven seas.
Barbus sailed to the Paradise that had been created for the Midgits and stayed there. There he did feast upon the spaghetti and the linguine and the fettuccini and the rigatoni and the macaroni and the penne and the pappardelle and the vermicelli and the ravioli and the mostaccioli and the manicotti and the conchiglie and the lasagne and the farafalle and the cannelloni and the orzo and the ziti and the . There the Word of the Noodley Master was revealed to him through the Chosen Ones. Barbus then became touched by the Noodley Appendage of the Noodley Master. While Barbus slept, the Flying Spaghetti Monster appeared to him in a vision and commanded that he spread His Word to the people of the world, who had fast grown in numbers.
So it was that Barbus told the people of the Noodley One and they were touched by His Noodley Appendage and followed Barbus by becoming pirates and feeding on the pastas and noodles of all forms. But there were those that did not believe and refused to believe. They were determined to destroy those that were touched by His Noodley Appendage. But the Word was strong and many would remember the pasta and the pirates. Barbus lived to be 2000 years old and let countless many become touched by the Noodley One.

[Swatopluk]

Go on, just a few thousand pages more!

[Pterorhynchus]

The Book of Histories only covers the first 3000 years after creation, and people, particularly the pirates, lived much longer back then.

Perhaps it should be named the Book of Early Histories... but that wouldn't sound as good.

[Swatopluk]

Are you sure? The FSM may have planted misleading informations, for He is very prankish .

[LibraLabRat]

And on the 14th Day of October, in the Year of the Great Bell Bottom uprising (1977) there was born a Lab Rat. There were many signs of his birth: Lynyrd Skynyrd crashed in Missisipi, and four years later the hospital the Rat was born in burned to the ground.

He then recieved this revelation:

Science is good, yeah, as is the pasta, be it the Ramen of the 10cent package, or the loftiest of hand crafted lasagnas: All pasta becomes soft and palatable when the water is heated to boiling, and that salt be added, and yeah, some say Extravirgin Olive oil too, or else just have three comely virgins to mix the pot:

And there was rejoicing. The Rat discovered that his people, the Louisianians, doeth many odd things to Pasta: Yeah, though they oft forsaketh the meatballs, they addeth the shrimp, the crawfish, the andouille, the chicken, the aligator and crab, and all sorts of other yummy oddities to make the ubiquitous Noodly One diverse and beautiful.

Pot, boiling water, salt, oil, and pasta.
Take this and eat,
For it you dont, you will get thin and silly looking.
Yeah, take of this garlic bread, and dip it in the red sauce, for it is good.
And maketh thou the sweet iced tea, in accordance to the
Supersaturation concept of Chemistry:

Pour the boiling hot tea into the jug where in thou hast already placed an amazingly large amount of sugar, that it may melt and supersaturate the solution with its carbohydrated goodness.

Add lemon.

RAMEN.

[Swatopluk]

I guess I should begin to type all the stuff that I have still only on paper but it's so much and constantly growing! :compute:

[Qwertyuiopasd]

all I can say is that there are a Helluva lot of "and it was good" stories about earth's creation.

the Book of midget (which you should've read before posting again, but ah well) isn't mostly about creation. he picks up where the first midget is created, basically, and then goes on from there. no one else has challanged it or made their own account, so it's kind of offical.

[Swatopluk]

I am more into ancient FSM history (7th century BC) located at least halfway in our world (even if I had to fake a bit of Homer for that).

[Qwertyuiopasd]

i concur, it's more interesting to find connections to the FSM in chineese dragon paitings, and in aincent noodles, and other stuff. I try to stay away from the same "and it was good" stuff.

althought there was this funny one that was "and it was STILL good" later: "and, yet again, it was good" and funny varations of that.

~Qwerty

[Swatopluk]

Maybe something new in the afternoon!

[Swatopluk]

Okay, as announce here is the next part of the
Story of the FSM and the Eastern Pirates

(continuation of Chapter 2)

24 The crew felt deep regret for their behaviour and that there was nothing of the food left.
25 Now they praised the cook for his work
26 The humble cook blushed and refused their praise.
27 "No glory for me! The captaon ordered it, the Divine Body touched me, so how could I fail?
28 You're right about the drink, it's far from proper and we are even running out of it with no replacement in sight."
29 He, the Mighty Pasta-King and Bringer of Plentiful Food & Drink, was highly pleased by the captains word of praise, the cook's humbleness and the crew's ability to see the error of their ways.
30 "These are people of my taste!
31 Although they don't know me yet, they follow my not yet announced suggestions.
32 They choose the divine vegetables.
33 Without advice they created noodles and formed meatballs.
34 They long for the proper drink.
35 There remains just the question of the godly Garlic Bread."
36 But the second mate, who had not touched the food, stepped forward and spoke:
37 Captain, cook and comrades! Yeah, let's praise the cook's work but let's not forget that some are still hungry!
38 Is there no bread left in the hold?
39 May it be stale, with a little bit of garlic I'd eat a stone!"
40 Oh, the hardtack bread, ye mates, it was beyond stale.
41 The captain chiselled the waterproof copy of the log on it and had to replace the chisel every few lines.
42 The armorer used it as a whetstone.
32 The third mate had sharpened the edge and clobbed a shark to death with it.
33 Last but not least the gunnery officer lost a good cannon when an experimental load with hardtack cut deep rifts into the barrel when fired.

Chapter 3
1 "That's my cue!", said the FSM and He appeared in all His saucyness before them.
2 And they fell on their knees and worshipped Him, for they knew Him in an instant, although they hadn't known anything just a moment ago.
3 To them He spoke and His voice dripped parmesan and spice:
4 "Attention please, all passengers to Rio de Janeiro check in with their luggage at gate 7a immediately!"

4a Sorry for interrupting again! What idiot put in that line in here and what does it mean?
We don't take passengers and Rio is not on our schedule this month. Check the calendar!
It's Yellowbeard's turn. Our raid is due for New-Years day!

5 To them He spoke
5a Any further interruption will be dealt with incisively! My cutlass is hardtack-sharpened enough to split the mast from top to keel in one go!
6 "The FSM, Creator of mountains, trees and midgits, who is known as Hauro Pasta in Persia, as Carn-Aton the life-giving meatball in the sky in Egypt speaketh to ye.
7 Don't tremble and spill the food, for my grace is upon you.
8 Though not knowing, you make my food and longed for those parts unavailable.
9 They shall be given to you!
10 Instead of water stale Porter Ale shall be in your barrels and you shall never run out of it as long as you keep the covenant, I'll make with you later on.
11 But you, second mate, you called for the divine Garlic Bread but did not touch the Pasta.
12 Pray, tell me the reason!"
13 The second mate looked Him into the saucy eyestalks straight and without hesitation.
14 "Oh, Noodly One! I don't have to beg forgiveness, for thou knowest me and the reason.
15 Stricken with allergy, I can't eat the pasta made from wheat, though I long for it.
16 But the bread is made from rye, so I can eat it without problems."
17 Thus spoke He to the second mate:
18 "Rightly hast thou spoken and nothing wicked is in it.
19 As a sign of my grace I give this Anchovies Pizza to you and your family.
20 It will never grow stale and every noon it will renew itself until you will pass away and see my Hereafter, where there is the mighty Beer Volcano and the Stripper Factory.
21 Never empty is there the pasta bowl and noone will be stricken with anything not to his delight.
22 Now to you, captain. I have a task for you and your mates.
23 My temple in Pasata has fallen into disrepair.
24 No priest nor sailor sings my praise.
25 They take me for a monster even.
26 Though I am, of course, one, they have forgotten the true meaning of it.
27 A monster is, what inspires awe, not fear primarily.
28 Didn't they learn their Latin at school?
29 But I am digressing.
30 I strongly suggest that you and your crew sail there and make Pasata your base of operation.
31 It has a long tradition and you'll like the cult statue in the temple.
32 If that does not tempt you, the Pastry makers are famous.
33 Where do you think "Pasta" comes from?
34 When you go there, repair the temple, reerect the cult image and it shall be you home and that of your descendants forever.
35 It's not an order but an offer.
36 When you see it, you'll not refuse it!"

(To be continued)

[Illano]

That just a proposed suggestion. Please let me know what alterations might be made to improve it Thanks!

Illano