Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

[black bart]

Black Bart's 25th* Birthday Party to be attended by Cap'n Cronan

In a bold (and many would say foolish) move, Black Bart has invited Cap'n Cronan to his birthday bash on the 13th December. A floatin man made island complete wiv inflatable palm tree and treasure chest is to be towed out into Portsmouth harbour for the event.

Anuvver rumour that Elvis Pegsley will provide the musical entertainment has been denied by Pegsley's manager.

A huge vat of Fish Head stew has been bubbling away for months and the Admiral Benbow has reported losing an entire month's supply of Captains Delight en route from the supplier.

*This figure was supplied by a Scumsoft research spreadsheet created on Portholes 1665.

[ChowMein]

Auntie Blackbeard Selected As Mastarrrr (?) of Ceremonies Of Thee Annual Jim Lads !

Thee denizens of Portsmouths is a buzz with excitement at thee announcement of Auntie BB as host/ess of thee prestigious event , although not without controversy .
Rumours persist that the selection committee accepted bribes or were blackmailed .
Auntie denies the accusations as baseless and hurtful replying ,

" OHHHHHHHH! Who wood uttarr sech lies ! I'm so prowd of dem !"

[Nef Yoo BlackBeard]

pg an dth ; eppick baddle neers clos

ohhhh da carrnij!

seemin all ovr !

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

seemin all ovr !

Nay, that twere the Benbow onne Men's noight.

[Nef Yoo BlackBeard]

seemin all ovr !

Nay, that twere the Benbow onne Men's noight.

Nope
Oi saw seamen Sam Pulls an Bank an Stanes an Marx an Counts !

[anthrobabe]

Nef Yoo

ye ben called out matey, by

ME

on the dek of ye very own ship no less.
Jes read yer story book whot that lot bin writin to see whot me sed.
or sufferz tha konsakwences

[black bart]

Nef Yoo

ye ben called out matey, by

ME

on the dek of ye very own ship no less.
Jes read yer story book whot that lot bin writin to see whot me sed.
or sufferz tha konsakwences

Arrr be genle wiv Nef Yoo anthrobabe...he's onlee jus completed his four month happrentishippe wiv thee Black Spot!

[TwistedSister]

MISSING NEF YOO
Last known photo

Last seen near pirate ship being banned by giant vegatables on April 16, 2009
Dis what he looked like before he was attacked by said pirate ship

Reward of for his safe return to his family
If seen please call 800-BAD-LOLI

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Yarr, oi typed it inna me telephonic machine, but oi got Mme Fifi's par-la instead. Be this intenshinnil?

[anthrobabe]

Saucy Gert denies any involvement with large vegetables or the kidnapping of Nef Yoo Blackbeard.

Sobbing quietly, Gert replies; "Oi jus wantad to meet the lad, him bein kin an awl to me foine auntie blackbeard. Oh an to tink some tink me wuld ever 'urt a 'air on 'is 'ead. Besides since darlin Jim left wif dem ratz we be needin a nice, refoined slops boy 'round tha Benbow. I knowz I kin com acrost as a mean old pirate, but really oim jus wee Gert at hart"

[TwistedSister]

UPDATE ON MISSING NEF YOO
According to the family of Nef Yoo, the young lad was found safe and sound late yesterday afternoon by his Uncle BB. Seems as though Nef Yoo is in the process of toilet training and fell into the toilet. Reports indicate that he was discovered after his Uncle BB had used the facilities.

[Roy Hunter]

UPDATE ON MISSING NEF YOO
According to the family of Nef Yoo, the young lad was found safe and sound late yesterday afternoon by his Uncle BB. Seems as though Nef Yoo is in the process of toilet training and fell into the toilet. Reports indicate that he was discovered after his Uncle BB had used the facilities.

Does this mean he's gonna have to update his sig?

cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat (slytleigh soyled) no hextra charj

[black bart]

Scotsmen Infiltrate Portsmouth - Fear That Ye King James be Behind Plot to Blow up Big Brenda

A Scotchman was observed drinking in the Benbow on Saturday night. After downing an inordinate amount of grog and several Dranbueys the Pictish Ruffian was heard to mutter...Ye're all Doomed, DOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED, DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED...at which point the be-kilted scallywag lurched out into the street and picked a fight with several Night Watchmen.

We talked to the only reliable witness, Admiral Benbow barmaid Loose Moll who told the Guaarrrdian:

"Oi nivver seen such a ruffian since I used ta be a cockle woman in Swansea. He was all gingery and swarthy, an he had great knobbly knees comin out from under his dirty kilt. He tried ta grab me by the back passage but oi give him a clip wiv me meat pie. I did honestly fink I thought I heard him menshun a gunpowder plot or sumsuch. Fancy a bit round thee back o the pigsty mister?

[Roy Hunter]

Further sightings of Mystery Scotsman
Local victualler and vintner, Nation O'Shopkeeper, today told how he survived an encounter the mysterious kilted barbarian on Sunday morning.

Mr. O'Shopkeeper said "He shambled into my store at about 11am, speaking a strange, unintelligible language. It sounded like he was saying 'EYE-RINN BURRROOOO!!! EYE-RINN BURRROOOO!!! Huv ye no goat ony, ya glaikit-lookin wee nyaff, ye? Ma heedz pure loupin' an ma mooth feels like therrz been badgers kippin in it, so it diz. Ah cannae mynd wherr ma bed an breekfust us, and um pure dyin' fur a big joabby, so um urrr...' Then he stole a bottle of whisky and shambled out again."

Members of the public are warned against approaching the Scotsman, and on no account should anyone agree to lend him money.

[pieces o'nine]

Mystery Scotsman Debunked as a Hoax

Mayor Keith Liversausage has confided to the Guarrrrrdian that Dr. Chrischun Spurlin, world-renowned cryptozoologist, has been on the case since the earliest rumblings were heard in Portsmouth's back alleys, almost two months ago.

Mayor Liversausage revealed that Dr. Spurlin has "definitive proof" that all alleged sightings of the creature (also known as "Pictish Ruffians," "Kilted Barbarians," "Daleks," "Highlanders," and "Bravehearts") are either deliberate hoaxes perpetrated by scoundrels upon an unsuspecting public or the misguided, drunken ravings of the unwashed citizenry.

"Taxonomically, so-called 'Scotsmen' simply do not exist. They and their grisly "bag o'pypes" are merely the stuff of legend, a type of bogeyman invented by parents in cautionary tales to headstrong infants," Mayor Liversausage concluded, reading from a prepared statement. Then he abruptly left the building, clutching what appeard to be a bottle of Laphroaig in the fingers remaining to him after his many kidnappings, as he scuttled 'round the corner.

When this reporter contacted Saucy Gert, Head Alewench and Landlady at the Admiral Benbow, to speak directly with Dr. Spurlin, she refused to confirm or deny for the record whether he was a lodger at her establishment. But she did call us daft gits and insist that we stop by for a Captain's Delight with a Brasso chaser, in order to put all this foolishness to rest. Most excellent advice, which we strongly encourage all responsible citizens to follow.