Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Thu Mar 05, 2009 12:19 am

Ahoy dudes. The wise and starchy Second Council of Olive Garden is searching for holy scripture to be added to the Loose Canon. The Council is only accepting stuff the fits the whole FSM thing, so no hate-mongering, supporting things that obviously contradict our teachings, or general douchey stuff. Also, I'm a lazy man, so number your verses.

This thread is for any letters, emails, or sermons you've actually written and used in real life for evangelism for fellow Pastafarians, friends, forum members, ID supporters, etc. The focus of the epistles/letters should mainly be the interpretation or explanation of our beliefs or instruction on how to be a good Pastafarian. Also, if you've helped out in any of Bobby's email campaigns, any emails you send out to the ID supporters would be good for this. If you've got a bible handy, there's a ton of examples in the New Testament. You should also go to viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1150&p=393009#p393009 where the ancient scribe Solipsy wrote a good description of what we're going for, except in this case, the letter shouldn't be fictional. The naming scheme should have your name or alias and the name of the person or people you talked or wrote to. Also, if anyone wants to transcribe and post Bobby's Open Letter with all the verses numbered, that'd be really sweet. Umm...I think that's it. Have fun.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Tue Mar 24, 2009 10:19 pm

Here it is, the king of all epistles, the Open Letter, now new and improved.

The Open Letter of Bobby to the Kansas School Board

1 I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. 2 I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. 3 I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

4 Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. 5 I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. 6 It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. 7 We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

8 It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. 9 In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. 10 I’m sure you see where we are coming from. 11 If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

12 Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. 13 We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. 14 None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. 15 We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. 16 Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. 17 We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. 18 What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. 19 For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. 20 He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. 21 But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. 22 We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. 23 He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

24 I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. 25 It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. 26 Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. 27 I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. 28 The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

29 You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. 30 For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. 31 As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

32 In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. 33 I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. 34 We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. 35 I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. 36 I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

37 Sincerely Yours,
Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

38 P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. 39 Remember, we are all His creatures.
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Edd on Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:46 pm

I asked PE if any of the Pastafarian Parables might be included in the Loose Canon and he instructed me to post them here.

Without further ado, I give you the Letters From Edd collected thus far, encore edition:







First Letter From Edd to the Forum Members

1 One day a man entered a strip joint and sat at a back table. 2 Verily, he did order his minimum of drinks, which numbered two. 3 He sat, expressionless, staring at the strippers, without tipping, without beckoning them over. 4 And, yea, did the strippers avoid him and call him ‘creepy.’

5 All night, the creepy patron did sit and stare. 6 The strippers whispered amongst themselves about the body parts he most likely concealeth in a freezer.

7 But, lo, one stripper did become intoxicated and became much too physical with all the customers. 8 Her coworkers did liken her unto a prostitute and were embarrassed on her behalf. 9 She danced provocatively, yet clumsily, eliciting not tips but pity.



10 Behold, On this day I issue a challenge to unrepentant lurkers: 11 Be not like the creepy patron, staring without participating. 12 Lurk until you have become familiar with these forums, then participate. 13 But do not become like the drunken stripper; remember to post with civility, consideration of others, and make a sincere attempt to verify your contribution is intelligible and interesting and not repetitive.

14 Respect the seriousness of the serious threads and the silliness of the humorous threads, for is not The Flying Spaghetti Monster composed of many noodly appendages, each as omniscient and omnipotent as the next? 15 So it is with the forums.

16 May The FSM guide your hands over your keyboard while protecting it from beverages.

RAmen
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Edd on Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:49 pm

Second Letter From Edd to the Forum Members


1 One day an elderly couple gathered their four children, two sons and two daughters, together for a serious discussion. 2 When all were present they asked, ‘What are your views regarding the afterlife, religion, or spirituality in general?’

3 Now, it was known that the couple was in the process of drawing up their Last Will and Testament. 4 Over the years, their wealth had grown to an envious amount. 5 The children felt that their inheritance might be influenced by their responses.

6 But they were strong, independent thinkers and they all knew that their parents respected honesty, so each child resolved to speak the truth, no matter what the consequences.

7 The eldest son spoke up first: ‘Mother, Father, I have never hidden my feelings on this matter; I proudly consider myself an atheist. 8 All observable evidence supports the idea of a universe capable of running itself without the benefit of a guiding or creative hand. 9 And every god that I have ever heard of seems more likely to be wishful thinking, fable, or myth. 10 When supportable evidence is presented that indicates otherwise, I will reconsider my position, but until then, I will look to science to answer all my questions and solve all my problems.’

11 The oldest daughter responded next: ‘I respect my brother’s opinion but I cannot commit to such an inflexible attitude. 12 I agree that no evidence can be shown to prove a god’s existence but no evidence can be shown proving a god’s non-existence, either. 13 Without proof, reasonable doubt must prevail. 14 The world is full of many wondrous things in an arguably infinite amount of space; to say with conviction that something cannot exist is indicative of hubris.’


15 Without responding, the parents looked to the next son. 16 ‘I have not been shy in regard to my faith, either,’ he laughed. 17 ‘Anyone who would like to hear how I decided that the path I have chosen is the true path to enlightenment I will gladly regale. 18 Come to me with an open mind and the truth shall reveal itself to you. 19 Worry not about insulting me, my conviction is based upon a power higher than anything of this world.’

20 All eyes turned to the youngest daughter. 21 She sighed, took a deep breath and drew herself up, as if expecting an attack. 22 ‘Mother and Father, I love you very much, but you ask a question I find difficult to answer. 23 My beliefs are of a personal and private nature; so much so that it is painful to bring myself to express them, even to you. 24 I beg you, judge me by my actions, not my motives. 25 Do I not endeavour to help others and not harm them? 26 Am I not compassionate? 27 Have you found me to be cruel in any way? 28 What difference does it make what thoughts lie in my mind if my behaviour is commendable? 29 Any views I have should be considered as valid as the others, no matter what they are. 30 Leave me out of your will if you must, but that is my final response.’

31 The parents exchanged a shocked look. 32 ‘Leave you out of our will?!’ they exclaimed. 33 ‘We were merely curious! 34 Our will is already complete. 35 You will all get an equal share of the estate, regardless of your views. 36 We love you all equally. 37 Silly children, we only want you to feel comfortable discussing any and all topics with us.’


38 Verily the elderly couple had much of the FSM within them, for they understood that each of their children felt strongly concerning their respective viewpoints and not one was deserving of punishment or disregard. 39 When the sad day arrived and each heir received their one fifth share of their parents’ estate, they felt proud to carry on the legacy of tolerance and respect.

40 (And yes, the four children each received one fifth of the inheritance; the remaining portion was split amongst the household pets. 41 Unfortunately, the parents shared another trait of the FSM and were frequently intoxicated.)

42 May you identify more with the parents of this parable than one of the children (except for the ‘frequently intoxicated’ part).

RAmen
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Edd on Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:50 pm

First Letter From Edd to the Slackers


1 One day, the Great Pirate Solomon summoned his two sons and set them a challenge.

2 ‘I require 10, 000 cubits of pasta, brought from the farthest, most inaccessible port in China. 3 Whosoever provideth the pasta first will be rewarded with one of my finest asses.’

4 Now, the Pirate Solomon was heralded far and wide as a breeder of amazing pack animals. 5 Each of his donkeys was worth its weight in gold and could carry enough dry pasta to feed an army. 6 It was rumoured that twin donkeys had been born recently, however, that could carry ten times the weight of the next strongest animal and were so intelligent that training them took little effort.

7 The two brothers rushed to the shipyard to set sail.

8 The first son did a quick inspection of his ship and set forth almost immediately even though he had several leaks calling for attention. 9 ‘I dare not spend time and money on repairs,’ thought the pirate prince. 10 ‘A quick coating of pitch will do the job.’

11 He launched with a raggedy crew comprised of as many loiterers from the docks as he could bribe with a promise of easy money and began to take on water almost instantly. 12 He and his men bailed to no avail and had to return after only a few hours.

13 Meanwhile, the other son was patching up his ship with superior materials while he waited for the men he had invited along on his expedition. 14 When the eldest returned he was gladdened to see that his brother had not yet put out to sea. 15 Reluctantly and hurriedly he managed to get his ship in adequate shape for his voyage pausing only to shanghai more men to man the oars just as his brother unfurled his sails.

16 The bandit brothers sailed for weeks; first one would be in the lead, then the other. 17 The eldest had rowers to supplement the wind, but many had to be put to work bailing water and mending the leaks that continued to appear due to his rushed and shoddy work. 18 And his sails were in pitiful shape compared to the younger brother’s. 19 In the end, the bedraggled boat pulled into the Chinese harbor only half a day ahead of the other.

20 With as much haste as he could manage, the eldest pirate acquired the necessary pasta. 21 He stole what he could but was forced to sell some of his men into slavery to purchase the rest (there had been talk of mutiny, in any case). 22 Tired, hungry, and running from Chinese guards, the eldest set out on his return trip just as his brother’s boat appeared over the horizon. 23 He laughed to himself and tried to cheer up his crew: ‘Before long, men, I shall posses one of my father’s greatest treasures and you will be rewarded handsomely!’

24 While the first ship creeped its way homeward despite the best efforts of the first mate to drive the rowers to superhuman lengths, the second son docked and began negotiations with the Chinese Keepers of the Pasta.



25 Many days later, a messenger ran up to the Great Pirate Solomon crying, ‘My lord, your son has returned!’

26 ‘Escort him here so that I may reward him.’

27 ‘And your other son, sire? 28 His ship has been spotted also.’

29 ‘Ah. Bring them both before me and my two prize animals, as well.’

30 And so it was that both sons of the infamous pirate Solomon were presented to their father; one dirty, unkempt, and wild-eyed, the other, calm, confident, and standing tall. 31 ‘Have you both brought the consecrated carbohydrates?’ asked their father. 32 The sons stood aside so that he might view the mounds of spaghetti, tortellini, fettuccine, fusilli, and ziti that had been piled behind them.

33 The stacks of foodstuffs were as different as the brothers. 34 One was clean, neat, and easily over 10,000 cubits with such an aroma many in the room would have sworn it was fresh even knowing that it had been brought from China. 35 The other was rotting, full of insects, and much less. 36 ‘Who was the first to arrive?’ asked the Great Pirate Solomon, giving a disgusted look as a rat ran out of the smaller pile.

37 ‘I was, father!’ cried the eldest. 38 ‘And I am here to claim my prize of your greatest donkey, as you promised.’

39 ‘With that?’ 40 He gestured toward the putrid pile of pasta. 41 ‘Record-keeper, how many cubits is it?’

42 ‘Five thousand, my lord,’ the scribe replied, reading the measurements scrawled in his notes.

43 ‘And my other son’s offering?’

44 ‘Twelve thousand cubits.’

45 ‘I have decided,’ boomed the brigand. 46 ‘You, my eldest son, have not fulfilled the requirements I set before you, so the animal goes to your brother.’

47 ‘Do I get nothing for my efforts?!’ whined the loser as he watched his sibling lead the great beast out of the chamber and the servants packed away the pasta. 48 ‘I spent time, money, and effort at great personal risk to bring this back!’

49 Visibly angry, his father stood up and proclaimed, ‘You believe you deserve recompense?! 50 Very well. 51 Since you have done a half-ass job, you will receive half an ass!’

52 The Great Pirate Solomon grabbed his ceremonial scimitar and struck his remaining donkey, cleaving it in two.

53 ‘Now get your ass out of here! 54 And someone clean up all this blood and guts, it’s grossing me out.’


55 So, remember this story when you are tempted to cut corners in your work, be it personal, occupational, or otherwise. 56 Taking pride in your endeavours makes a world of difference and is well worth the effort.

RAmen
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Edd on Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:51 pm

First Letter From Edd to the Partiers

1 On the day designated for celebration by the FSM, which is today, three wenches held parties for their respective friends and family.


2 The first wench obsessed over every guest’s likes and dislikes, desperately trying to ensure that everyone had the most magnificent time possible. 3 She spent more money than she could afford and was in a constant state of panic over how the party might go. 4 Her significant other was forced to the local pub to seek the relative peace and quiet of the afternoon brawl.

5 On the night of the first wench’s party, nothing went as planned. 6 The non-vegetarians ate all the meatless hors’ d’oeuvres before the vegetarians even arrived. 7 The band refused to play the medley of songs she requested and ended up getting drunk and hitting on her teenage nieces. 8 She tried to compensate for the seeming lack of conversation between her guests by flitting from group to group pointing out their mutual hobbies and acquaintances, but inevitably ended up interrupting at least a few interesting discussions. 9 In the end, everyone left well before midnight, which is the sure sign of an unsuccessful party. 10 The first wench spent the rest of the night cleaning up, wondering what she might have done differently.


11 The second wench only worried about one person – her mother-in-law. 12 The décor was done in the style of her youth, the food was all of her favourites, and there was no loud music since she had ‘delicate sensibilities.’ 13 The hag, I mean mother-in-law, arrived early and left early, seemingly in good spirits, and the rest of the guests ordered pizza and brought out a radio to make the best of the rest of the night.

14 The next day, the second wench felt bad that her friends had been forced to entertain themselves but was satisfied that at least she had impressed the one she had set out to. 15 Then, she spoke to her sister-in-law.

16 It seems that the old woman had immediately began criticizing everything the wench had done the moment she had walked out of her house. 17 She complained about the food, the neighbours, the class of friends invited, the furniture, and the hostess’ outfit. 18 The second wench broke into tears, despairing of ever pleasing the woman.


19 The third wench threw a party based on a theme she and her pirate decided upon. 20 Invitations went out to all she wanted to attend and none to those she did not. 21 She was considerate of known food allergies, but otherwise did not cater to any particular taste other than her own. 22 Music was a selection of their favourites from their personal collection with the local kids’ garage band allowed to jam for an hour. 23 The good grog ran out early, but they made do with what could be obtained from the neighbour’s still. 24 When her uncle got drunk and tried to start a fight with her boss, she sent him to the guest bedroom to sleep and laughed about it with her employer.

25 As the third wench and her pirate said good-bye to the last guest, with the sun’s rays peaking over the horizon, she was content, knowing that the majority of her friends and family had had a good time, but more importantly, she and her pirate had enjoyed themselves the most.



26 To thine own self be true because even the best laid plans go awry. 27 It is not possible to please everyone, all the time, so do not forget to include your own desires in your plans.

28 Party on, dude

RAmen
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Edd on Mon Mar 30, 2009 6:53 pm

First Letter From Edd to the Infallible


1 The owner of an upscale Italian restaurant decided to implement an incentive program for his wait staff based on customer surveys. 2 Some employees grumbled and some looked forward to the opportunity to make some extra money.

3 When the survey results began coming back in, the proprietor concentrated on the remarks made about his two best evening waiters who handled the most guests and the most expensive meals. 4 At first, the comments were mixed. 5 Each waiter received both praise and criticisms from customers. 6 The owner called both of them into his office for a meeting.

7 ‘One of the most common complaints was slow and inadequate attention from servers,’ he said. 8 ‘I want both of you to work on that before I start handing out cash. 9 If I see significant improvement, you’ll be compensated handsomely.’

10 The first waiter replied, ‘Yes, sir,’ and went back to work while the other stayed behind. 11 ‘Boss,’ he said, ‘those people are crazy! 12 I bust my ass every night filling tea and wine glasses and bread baskets and rushing to take care of their every need. 13 You need to get after the kitchen; it’s their fault the orders aren’t ready sooner.’

14 ‘Hmmm, you may be right. 15 I’ll look into it, but try anyway.’

16 The next night, the employer called the two waiters back into his office. 17 ‘Guys, we have a serious problem. 18 Two customers were served the wrong dishes last night. 19 They were both Pastafarians and those people really know their vermicelli! 20 One ordered spaghetti with American marinara sauce and he was served angel hair with Italian marinara and the other was served ravioli instead of pierogi! 21 Thank the FSM neither took offense at the ‘angel’ hair or was allergic to seafood. 22 I convinced them to come back next week but, since I only spoke to them over the phone, I don’t know what they look like and they might come in incognito, so you have to be at the top of your game.’

23 Again, the first waiter replied, ‘Yes, boss,’ and rushed out, but the second remained.

24 ‘You don’t really think I can’t tell the difference between those dishes even if I am rushing around from table to table, do you? 25 Pastafarians or not, I don’t make those kind of mistakes.’

26 ‘It doesn’t matter,’ said his employer. 27 ‘Just make sure it doesn’t happen again the next few nights.’

28 A few days later, the proprietor was tallying surveys at his desk when he heard a crash out in the dining area. 29 ‘Oh, no,’ he groaned as he sprinted out. 30 When he burst out the ‘In’ door he saw his two evening waiters and a table full of guests covered in red wine and pesto. 31 The first waiter was picking up silverware and plates while apologizing to the customers. 32 The second was arguing with one of them, claiming that he was not at fault because someone seated at that table had spilled water, causing him to slip and fall. 33 As the owner hurried to intervene, the waiter yelled, ‘I quit!’ and stalked out.

34 Much later, after closing, the first waiter went to speak to his employer. 35 ‘Rough day, huh, Boss?’

36 ‘Definitely. By the way, thanks for staying calm and helping out. 37 And your surveys have improved remarkably, even though they weren’t too shabby to begin with. 38 I’ll get your bonus to you as soon as I pay for cleaning, or possibly replacing, the clothes that were ruined tonight.’

39 ‘No worries. My tips have gotten a lot better lately. 40 I’ve been paying more attention to my tables and learning the subtle differences and nuances of the dishes on our menu and the customers really notice and appreciate it. 41 Thanks for the constructive criticism.’


42 So remember, humility is a virtue, pleasing to the FSM and those around you. 43 It will help you recognize the areas where you need the most work, which, in turn, will open up more opportunities for you. 44 Hubris was the downfall of many a tragic hero and even the FSM stumbles when he’s had one too many.

45 (And don't forget to tip your server)


RAmen
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Nef Yoo BlackBeard on Tue Mar 31, 2009 4:14 pm

oim i in dis book?
i wanna be inna book
put me inna book
fank ye, NefUBB.
cabin boy fir hyer. jyint hat no hextra charj.
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Edd on Wed Apr 01, 2009 7:25 am

Nef Yoo BlackBeard wrote:oim i in dis book?
i wanna be inna book
put me inna book
fank ye, NefUBB.


Somebody please book him.
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Wed Apr 01, 2009 12:03 pm

Edd wrote:
Nef Yoo BlackBeard wrote:oim i in dis book?
i wanna be inna book
put me inna book
fank ye, NefUBB.


Somebody please book him.


Like arrest him or just smack him with a book?
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Roy Hunter on Wed Apr 01, 2009 12:33 pm

Platypus Enthusiast wrote:Like arrest him or just smack him with a book?

He likes sci-fi. Try hiding a bomb in one of those big Greg Bear books.
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Thu Jul 09, 2009 12:47 pm

Ok, this letter has a bit of a backstory about the persecution of the its author, so here goes. My sister's-fiance's-son aka my nephew had a school assignment where he had to write a letter to the society of the future about his religion. My nephew, Tristan, a devout and proud Pastafarian decided he would write about us. His teacher thought it was dumb and that he was just screwing around and took ten points off. Tristan's dad, John, a Pastafarian-sympathizer, wrote a letter back to the teacher explaining how FSMism is legit and saying she would never do the same thing if the paper was about Judaism or Scientology. The teacher, realizing that she was being discriminatory (and maybe noticing the irony that the letter is about religions intolerance), decided to change the grade. She gave him back 5 points, but kept the other 5 off for not proofreading, though there didn't seem to be a problem with that the first time she graded it. So here it is, the Letter of Tristan the Martyr to the Future Generations of Society. Oh, one more thing. I took the liberty of censoring some of the personal information in case some cyberstalker or angry fundamentalist tries to steal Tristan's identity or something.

Chapter 1
1 Dear future generations of society,
2 My name is Tristan [Censored]. 3 I am an 8th grader at [Censored] Middle School. 4 I live in [Censored], Pennsylvania. 5 I am 13 years old. 6 My life is generally okay. 7 I have two sisters and one brother.

Chapter 2
1 Since I am a pastafarian I have and do expirence a lot of religious intolerance. 2 Being pastafarian I belive in the Flying Spagetti Monster to be the one true and only god. 3 Usually when I tell people that I am pastafarian they laugh at me and say "No seriously" 4 This really offends me. 5 I thought that everyone was religiously accepting in this country apparently I was wrong. 6 Yes this is seriously what I totally & completely belive in to be true, RAmen.

Chapter 3
1 I am writing this in the hope that future generations will learn to be more accepting of me and my people. 2 I dream of our heaven and the volcano & factories. 3 How magnificent it will be 4 I also dream and pity all the intolerant people freezing in antartica. 5 I hope in the near future that everyone will realize swine flu is nothing to worry about & that it wont come back stronger in the winter. 6 In the distant future I hope to meet bobby henderson the prophet who was first touched by his noodly apendage.
7 Sincerely, Tristan [Censored]
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Fri Jul 17, 2009 12:12 pm

The Letter of Captain Jeff the Mishunairee to the Googlists

Chapter 1 Have You Been Touched?

1 Ahoy maties. 2 I come from the Pastafarian community to warn you nonbelievers of the coming Apocalypse (Apastalypse). 3 The Dark Lord Darwin and his Science are covering the land, replacing our precious blind faith and beliefs with horrid reason, evidence, and facts. 4 If you wish to avoid the coming doom, you must repent and let the Flying Spaghetti Monster touch you with His noodly appendage. 5 Your god, Google, is indeed powerful, but lacks the mass of quivering pasta that is divine enough to repel Darwin's evil power. 6 Beware the temptor and his tricks and head to http://www.venganza.org/ to hear the FSM's word and be blessed by Him. 7 Sauce be upon you, my fellow satirists. 8 Ramen. -Captain Jeff
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby Platypus Enthusiast on Thu Jul 23, 2009 12:07 pm

The Correspondence of Captain Jeff the Mishunairee and the Leaders of Hillel

Chapter 1

1 Dear [Censored Person #1],

2 Hi, my name is Jeff Cupo. 3 Now before I get into the message, I want to let you know that my organization is legit. 4 You can check us out at the Rutgers Student Life website and this isn't a joke or spam or anything. 5 I am the President of the Rutgers Pastafarians, which is the Rutgers Chapter of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. 6 Now I don't know how you feel about the issue, but basically we're opposed to the teaching of intelligent design in public school science classrooms. 7 We're not out to prove it wrong, just that it's not science. 8 One of our goals is to improve the relations between the science and religious communities, since they both have smart things to say, and they'd be more likely to listen to each other if they like each other. 9 What we had planned on doing was to have a liaison, a member who shares both of our viewpoints and is in both of our organizations, who will serve as a link between the two and to fairly represent each organization to the other. 10 He/she would also serve as a nice, visible symbol of our positive relationship. 11 We're also eager to collaborate on projects together. 12 We already have developed friendly relationships with Campus Crusade for Christ and the Rutger University Pagan Student Association. 13 In fact, our staff adviser is also the staff adviser to Trinity House. 14 So let me know what you think, and if it's cool with you, we can discuss this further in more detail.

15 Kind regards,
Jeff Cupo


Chapter 2

1 Hi Jeff,

2 Thanks for contacting me-- I apologize that I wasn't able to respond to your message sooner-- I was out of the country for two weeks.

3 Your organization certainly has an interesting name-- who created the "Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?" 4 It is certainly comical but also seems to mock religious organizations (let me know what your perception is).

5 Hillel loves to connect to other groups on campus and work on joint events. 6 Hillel does not take a stand on intelligent design in relation to education, though for the most part Jews are happy to separate church and state and do not advocate for intelligent design to be taught in schools. 7 Hillel is not a membership organization-- all of our events are open-- so I don't know that we could have a set liaison, but we would certainly be willing to work with you on events that you're interested in planning. 8 (We would need to decide on a per-event basis whether to co-sponsor.)

9 I hope this all makes sense-- let me know how you'd like to continue the conversation.

10 -[Censored Person #1]

11 P.S. My term as Hillel president will be expiring at the end of January, and [Censored Person #2] will be taking over, so I have "cc"ed her here to be part of the conversation.


Chapter 3

1 Dear [Censored Person #1] and [Censored Person #2],

2 Lol, yeah, you made perfect sense. 3 To answer your first question, Bobby Henderson, a physics student from Oregon State University, founded the Church back in 2005 as a response to the Kansas board of ed's attempt to put ID in the public school science curriculum. 4 You can check out the letter that started it all here: http://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/.

5 It seems to mock religion mainly due to the fact that our main focus is Intelligent Design, which stems from the Genesis. 6 While we have no problem with religion, we do have a problem with pseudoscience, and in this case, the pseudoscience is religiously motivated. 7 So religion kinda gets caught in the crossfire, but we mean no offense. 8 It's meant to be ridiculous just to show a scientific point, the idea being that there's just as much scientific evidence for the FSM creating the life that there is for a Designer doing it, just to characterize the issue as not being a scientific one.

9 So since we feel that ID is not falsifiable (part of why it's not science), we're not saying it's wrong, only that it's not science. 10 Also, though the Church has no set dogma or rules, a great deal of Pastafarians, myself included, support the idea of religious tolerance. 11 My chapter has also established a code of conduct which bans any attacks or insults directed towards any religion. 12 It is a zero tolerance policy and any violators are expelled from the group.

13 I had heard Judaism was for the most part pro-separation of church and state, but I didn't want to make any assumptions on the opinions of any of the religious groups on campus, so I decided to treat all equally and approach everyone. 14 It's cool if you can't do the liaison thing like I described, but I still think it would be good if we had some kind of contact system worked out. 15 Thanks for your willingness to collaborate. 16 Right now we're mostly working on a few small scale projects and recruitment, so we don't have a lot planned. 17 The only joint event we've got going is an Evolution-ID debate/lecture that Campus Crusade for Christ has an interest in cosponsoring with us, but that's really in the early stages of planning and we might end up not going through with it. 18 So this was mainly to introduce us and establish a friendly relationship with your organization. 19 We'll keep you posted on the event situation, cause we do want to do something this semester. 20 Feel free to ask any other questions that you might have.

21 Kind regards,
Jeff Cupo


Chapter 4

1 Thanks for the explanation, Jeff.

2 Keep us posted.

3 -[Censored Person #1]


Chapter 5

1 Will do. 2 Thanks for being so cool.
3 --Jeff
Check out an official Pastafarian holy book, the Loose Canon: http://loose-canon.fsm-consortium.com/the-loose-canon/

"With Him, All Things are Pasta-Bowl."
-ProvHerbs 3:35
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Re: Loose Canon - Nonfiction Epastles Submissions

Postby ChowMein on Sat Jul 25, 2009 12:21 pm

Har de har har PE !

Ye arr onest yer way to becomin' a venganza forum legend , much loike arr deer departed memmers ( and me as well , of corse :grin: )

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRhg !
Quote :" ARRR! GAGAGAGA ! , ...de sailin' loife fer me. ARR! GAGAGAGAGa....arr gagaga.....a...". (Popeye The Sailor)
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