"GENESIS"/HISTORY

[Duke]

I believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was just doing a mischievous trick when he put this evidence here, but with investigation, you may come to another conclusion.


Duke

[Poincare's Stepchild]

There has been much hoopla about the missing-link fish, the Tiktaalik. But the scripture of Pastafarians have an advantage over that of other religions, for the Tiktaalik is mentioned...

Form the Second Book of Pasta, Chapter 3...

5 And the midgit walked into the swamp. where a Tiktaalik did try to eat his foot.

[Alpaca]

NPR's "Wait wait, don't tell me" had a good bit about the fish - said it was desperate to get to land not because of evaporating ponds, but because the schools under the sea taught Creationism.

[Duke]

That makes considerably more sense than "evaporating ponds". I mean, come on!


Duke

[Swatopluk]

Those sea scorpions simply couldn't get out of their shell

[Jayco]

Here is The Creation as revealed to me. I recorded this a while ago, and only now realized that I could show it to anybody. I also have The Customary "Great Deluge" Story, which I'll post in another thread. Because they explain almost every facet of the teachings of the Prophet, they will most certainly conflict with nearly every other wannabe FSM holy book, but I figure they're worth submitting, anyway.


The Creation

0. In the beginning, there was nothing. 1. Then, the Flying Spaghetti Monster said, “let there be noodles.â€￾ And lo, there were noodles. 2. But the Monster looked upon His noodles and was not satisfied, so he said, “let there be tomato sauce.â€￾ And lo, there was tomato sauce. 3. But the Monster was still not satisfied, and He created meatballs, olive oil, cheese, vegetables, herbs, and a great many other ingredients to be served with His noodles. 4. And when He was done, He smiled upon His creation, and was satisfied.

5. But still the Monster desired more, and He resolved to create a vast, marvelous world, in which His wondrous creations could be enjoyed. 6. And thus He took from His many cooking ingredients Holy Baking Soda and Holy Vinegar. 7. And He mixed the Baking Soda with the Vinegar; and lo, there was a great explosion, and His noodles and other ingredients were dispersed, and thus the Universe was created. 8. And He looked upon his new Universe, and was not satisfied. So He chose one of His large meatballs, and Touched it with His Noodly Appendage. 9. And lo; from the meatball sprang a mountain, trees, and a midgit.

10. And He looked upon His meatball, and said, “I shall call this meatball, Earth.â€￾ And the meatball was thereafter known as Earth. 11. And the Monster looked upon it, and decided that the water in which He boiled His noodles would cover the Earth; and it was so. 12. And He decided that the herbs and vegetables with which He covered His noodles would also cover the Earth; and it was so. 13. And He decided that many great and meager beasts, which carry within them the meat of His meatballs, would cover the Earth; and it was so. 14. And He looked upon His creation, and was satisfied.

15. And when he was done, He looked upon His midgit, and showed His creation to the midgit, and the midgit cried out with joy and his mouth watered. 16. And the midgit began to eat a great feast of spaghetti with all of the Monster’s ingredients, and he ate his fill, and was satisfied. 17. But lo; the midgit had left much of the Monster’s spaghetti untouched, and much of His other ingredients as well. 18. So He called out to the midgit, and said; “why, midgit, do you not finish your feast?" 19. And the midgit said; “Lo, Your Noodliness, but I cannot finish Your feast; while it greatly satisfies the longing of my taste buds, it threatens to burst my stomach. I cannot eat another bite.â€￾

20. And lo; the Monster was displeased, and the Earth shook with His displeasure. 21. And the Monster in His fury struck the Earth many times with His Noodly Appendage, and many mountains and trees did spring from the Earth; but many humans did also. 22. And the Monster cried out with joy, for these people would eat His divine feast, and could finish it, as they did not have bellies as small as that of the midgit. 23. And the Monster told his people; “go, eat the divine feast which I have provided you.â€￾ 24. And the people cried out with joy as the midgit had, and ate of His great feast, and finished every bite which He provided.

25. And then the people did proceed to harvest the herbs and vegetables, and create more of the noodles, and kill the wild beasts, in order to create more noodles, meatballs, and condiments to continue their feast. 26. But as the people created their feasts, they spread across the surface of the Earth gathering ingredients, and thus lost contact with one another. 27. And lo; some of these people began to create lasagna, and some created bologna, and some created pizza, and soon the people of Earth created many foods. 28. And the Monster was displeased, and the Earth shook with His fury. 29. And lo; some of these people were driven mad by the power of spicy foods they had created, and conceived that there were other Monsters apart from His Noodliness.

30. And they called these Monsters by many names, and worshipped them in many ways, and shunned the one true Flying Spaghetti Monster, and forgot Him. 31. And the Monster was again displeased, and the Earth again shook with His fury. 32. Then He suddenly became pleased, for He had conceived of a method by which he could punish those who had forgotten Him. 33. He created a great paradise which He called Heaven, built on a bed of spaghetti, which would be occupied only by those who worshiped the true Monster. 34. And He created in His Paradise a mountain that spurted the beverage which the humans called “beer,â€￾ to satisfy the humans who worshiped the true Monster.

35. And He created in His Paradise a factory which crafted human beings, but the human beings it crafted were beautiful, and would please the humans who worshiped the true Monster. 36. And He created strict moral codes regarding sexual acts and many other things, that the unfaithful would follow to their great displeasure, and decreed that His followers would not abide by such codes. 37. And His revenge upon the unfaithful was complete, and He was satisfied.

All right, so I'm doing a research project on FSMism, and it's about comparing creation/fertility/hero myths to religions, detailing each of said myths, etc. The bulk of the project, however, is expanding on a couple myths of one religion. So I ask my teacher, "What about Pastafarianism?"

"Erm, I'm not familiar with that."

"Oh, it's a relatively recent North American religion."

"Oh. . .I guess that would be fine."

So I've printed up a mural, am starting on a video, so now I need only to confirm the creation story, which is why I quoted that there -- partially because out of all the ones I read in this thread, that sounded the best.

So my question is this: is there an official creation story? Or are all these simply fan-based and have no credence upon the canon?

[Shasta50]

All right, so I'm doing a research project on FSMism, and it's about comparing creation/fertility/hero myths to religions, detailing each of said myths, etc. The bulk of the project, however, is expanding on a couple myths of one religion. So I ask my teacher, "What about Pastafarianism?"

"Erm, I'm not familiar with that."

"Oh, it's a relatively recent North American religion."

"Oh. . .I guess that would be fine."

So I've printed up a mural, am starting on a video, so now I need only to confirm the creation story, which is why I quoted that there -- partially because out of all the ones I read in this thread, that sounded the best.

So my question is this: is there an official creation story? Or are all these simply fan-based and have no credence upon the canon?

You may want to purchase the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Its available from Amazon.com

[einhanderXzt]

Reading the academic endorsements, thought I might expand on the string theory incorporation. Its meant to sound like its told through the oral tradition. =D Would love to hear some input and what changes I should make.


--------------


Genesis, Pirate Missionary Preaching Through the Oral Tradition
(Possibly Inaccurate Retelling of Creation but That's What You Get By Passing On a Retelling through the Oral Tradition)

Aye! Be as it were, because it was and always will be, in the beginning there was the All-Nothing; a being of non-being, an existence of non-existence. Then, the All-Nothing began to hum like the strings of a lute, and everywhere and nowhere, where everything is infinite in but a speck, where the speck of nothing reaches out into eternity, where time began yet always was, the All-Nothing quaked and quivered and shook and squirmed and yet, because it was nothing, it did not. And for a time unimaginable, be it short or nigh eternity, (for what is time when it don't exist), it was such.

Then suddenly, in what became in the blink of an eye, the universe exploded, the All-Nothing became something, and the universe sang. For the strings that resonated and never were suddenly were and they hummed and chimed and made all matter of sounds, and they exploded throughout the universe in every which way direction they could.

As if plucked or rubbed the strings beget sounds, and all throughout existence those sounds became tones and notes as well as shrills and booms. Here and there and sometimes everywhere, not to mention going from here to there and upon occasion a little further up, the universe sparkled in noise and the sounds that once were so simple coalesced. They became songs. Songs about simple things. Basic things.

And as the universe continued to explode in every which way and ways 90 degrees in other directions the songs quickly became more exuberant and more vivid. They became sometimes beautiful and sometimes chaotic, sometimes well structured and at other times completely random. They strung together in arias and drum rolls, crescendos and murmurs. Combinations soon beget musicals and operas and late night comedy theme songs.

And further still all together in so many different ways they continued in this manner. Soon they beget stars and moons and comets and black matter. When all was said and done and everything seemed just right, it finally came to a stop. And behold, what songs were sung had beget all the small things and all the big things, and not to exclude all the things that cannot be seen, that you and I know of today. And as all these wonderful fantastic things spun about and whisked on by, in his drunken stupor, the Divine Flying Spaghetti Monster looked at his creation rather proudly. And between a burp and another, with an addition of a chug from his booze he had not quite finished yet, he pondered. At least he tried to. And then wondered what he should go about doing next.

'Well,' he said. 'There seems to be something missing. Hrmmmm. What to do? What to do? I know! I need more booze!'

And be as it were, because it was and always will be, the Flying Spaghetti Monster in his divine stead completely lost all inhibition and again went about to and fro in the All-Nothing, which was now something. But for now, my young plundering apprentice, that yarn be for another day.

[manzed]

In the beginning was the white powder throughout the nil of space.
After ages of loneliness the holy pair of the very first chicken eggs were sent into the white nebulae to lay ground for the first dough.

One egg broke on the edge of the universe releasing it's fruit into the white stuff but the second one remained intact.
The heavens started to cry over the misfortune and the perfect dough finally came into existence.

Since then it was told that the second egg of the holy pairs of eggs is still cruising around in the heavens. Many claim that they've seen it, although nobody has hard facts.

This also serves as the common explanation for the old, very old question "What was there first - chicken or egg".
2012 may be the return of the second egg of the holy pairs of eggs! Prepare for doomsday, some believe it will render the perfect dough useless.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

It's been a while since the last post and the Second Council of Olive Garden would like to bring this thread back to everyone's attention in order to collect more delicious scripture for the Loose Canon. So please keep writing Histories in order to please our Noodly Master.

[DaveL]

Hey where's the Book of Midgits/Midgets...must find...must find...

[Platypus Enthusiast]

Hey where's the Book of Midgits/Midgets...must find...must find...

Well I'm a little late, but if you're still looking, it's here viewtopic.php?f=15&t=1980

[DaveL]

PE, that's all good. I knew it was lurking in Old Threads somewhere.
I've managed to move all the stuff which was made Canon into announcements (Mod powers - 'kapowwww!').

[Platypus Enthusiast]

PE, that's all good. I knew it was lurking in Old Threads somewhere.
I've managed to move all the stuff which was made Canon into announcements (Mod powers - 'kapowwww!').

Sweet. Awesome sound effects btw.

[Platypus Enthusiast]

Dave and Kyodai

Chapter 1
1 Now the ninjas gathered their forces for war and assembled at the port of Tortuga. 2 They scattered their men around the local tavern, so that they could ambush the pirates when they came ashore. 3 Soon after, Captain “Dead Sole” Paulson and his pirate crew sailed into port. 4 They eagerly went to the tavern, thirsty for rum. 5 The ninjas sprung forth and attacked the pirates. 6 The pirates, though peaceful, were forced to fight for their lives.

7 A champion named Kyodai, who was from Osaka, came out of the ninja horde. 8 He was six cubits and a span tall, as he was unholy and was never touched by His noodly appendage. 9 He was wrapped with his black ninja cloak. 10 In his hand, he held a long sword, dripping with pirate blood.

11 Kyodai stood and shouted to the pirate crew, “Why do you come out and line up for battle? 12 Am I not a ninja, and are you not Dead Sole Paulson’s crew? 13 Choose a pirate and have him come down to me. 14 If he is able to fight and kill me, we will become your subjects; but if I overcome him and kill him, you will become our subjects and serve us.” 15 Then the ninja said, “This day I defy the ranks of pirates! 16 Give me a man and let us fight each other.” On hearing the ninja’s words, Dead Sole Paulson and all the pirates were dismayed and terrified.

Chapter 2
1 Now Dave was the son of an Englishman named Jesse, who was from Bath in Somerset. 2 Jesse had eight sons, and in Dead Sole Paulson’s time, he was old and well advanced in his years. 3 Jesse’s three oldest sons had joined Dead Sole Paulson’s crew to man the cannons and plunder trade ships, but Dave was hired as a cabin boy, left to cook for the rest of the crew.

4 After the crew had went ashore at Tortuga, Dave was finally able to make a meal for himself. 5 As he was sitting down to eat a hearty plate of spaghetti and meatballs, he heard swords clashing, muskets firing, and angry “Arrr”’s off in the distance. 6 Dave, eager to help his fellow pirates got ready to leave, but remembered his pasta. 7 He was still hungry, so he wrapped up the spaghetti and took it with him as he set out to find the battle.

Chapter 3
1 After wandering around looking for the battle for an hour or two, he finally reached the group of pirates. 2 Dave could see that the pirates and ninjas had separated standing facing each other, with Kyodai standing in between waiting for someone to fight him. 3 Dave ran to greet his fellow crewmates. 4 They told him all about Kyodai and his challenge. 5 Dave asked what’d they plan on doing about him.

6 When Eric, Dave’s oldest brother, heard him speaking with the men, he got ticked off and asked, “What the hell are you doing here? 7 Who’s cooking our dinner? 8 I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is; you came over just to watch the battle, you dildo.”

9 “Dude, you didn’t even let me tell my side of the story before you started whining about my evil heart and shit,” said Dave.

10 Dead Sole Paulson heard the commotion and came over. 11 Dave said to him, “Don’t worry about this ninja, I can take him.” 12 Dead Sole Paulson replied, “You can’t fight him, you’re just a kid and he’s badass.”

13 But Dave said to the Captain, “I’ve watched over the food in the galley. 14 Whenever a rat or seagull tried to eat some, I smacked it and when it turned on me, I killed it. 15 I have killed both the rat and the seagull, and this ninja will be like one of them, because he has killed the people of the FSM. 16 The FSM who delivered me from the paw of the rat and the talons of the seagull will deliver me from the hand of the ninja.”

17 Captain Dead Sole Paulson said to Dave, “Go and the FSM be with you.”

Chapter 4
1 Dave was given a cutlass, a musket, six pistols, a blunderbuss, and a cutlass. 2 Dave said, “I can’t use all of this. 3 It’s way too much and I’ve never swung a sword or shot a gun before. 4 I’ll probably end up hurting myself more than the ninja.” 5 He dropped all the weapons and took from his bag a few long strands of spaghetti and a few meatballs. 6 He folded the spaghetti over a meatball and approached the ninja.

7 Meanwhile, the ninja got ready and walked towards Dave. 8 When he saw Dave was just a kid he got ticked off at him. 9 He said the Dave, “I’m gonna mess you up you little punk.”

10 Dave said to the ninja, “You come against me with you’re fancy sword, but I come against you in the name of the FSM, the God of the pirates, whom you have defied. 11 Today the FSM will hand you over to me, and I’ll strike you down and kick you in the nuts. 12 So, I’m gonna mess you up.

13 The ninja approached to fight, and Dave ran to meet him. 14 Dave whipped around the spaghetti and slung the meatball at the ninja, shooting it right down his windpipe. 15 Choking, the ninja fell to the ground.

16 So Dave triumphed over the ninja with spaghetti and meatballs. 17 Without a sword in his hand he struck down the ninja. 18 Dave then ran over and kicked Kyodai square in the nuts. 19 Kyodai grunted in discomfort, popping the meatball from his throat.

20 When the other ninjas saw their hero was down and clutching his groin, they turned and ran. 21 The pirates chased them and made sure they left the town. 22 Victorious, they went into the tavern for a drink. 23 Proud of the cabin boy, Captain Dead Sole Paulson bought Dave, who was a minor, a drink. 24 And there was much rejoicing.