Ongoing Pun Competition

[black bart]

What about her Tits?

Sorry, I'm having trouble keeping abreast of this pun thread.

[Roy Hunter]

Oh dear. It's a good job my Mum didn't hear that sort of language from you. I'm just back from visiting her. She lives on the 19th floor of a tower block, poor dear. She used to live on the 20th, but that's another storey.

[Yomama bin Rotten]

Some Russians still have great respect for the tomb of Lenin.
I think it's just another communist plat.

[black bart]

I'm glad you mentioned that...I was just thinking it was a lovely day to go to the Kremlin and shout:

Is Len in?

[ET, the Extra Terrestrial]

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well. Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...



'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WAL-MART!'

[Edd]

Based on a true story:

Not too long ago, my sister threw her back out and was in such excruciating pain she fell to the floor and could not bear to move. Her husband called an ambulance to take her to the hospital. When the doctor examined her he asked her to rate her pain on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst pain imaginable. As you can imagine, she rated it a 10.

After taking several tests and x-rays, the physician prescribed muscle relaxants and pain killers. Wary of becoming dependent, my sister stated that she intended to only take enough medication to make the pain bearable, say, down to a 5. Her husband asked the doctor if he would recommend a heating pad or hot water bottle in addition to the pills. ‘If it helps, by all means, use them,’ he replied.

So there you go. Contrary to popular opinion, you can halve your ache and heat it, too.

[ken worley]

*puts pistol in mouth...pulls trigger*

[Edd]

From now on, I will rate my puns based on the violence of ken’s reactions.

*takes bow*

Thank you. Thank you.

[ken worley]

Don't get a swelled head, edd....these awful turd-o-grams are cumulative, you know.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

So, a hare walks into a bar, and Hugo the barkeep is very surprised.
"There's a hare in the bar!" He exclaims.
One of the patrons looks up from his beer in a drunken stupor and says: "Hare? Where?"
The barkeeper points at it and says: "Over there!"
The patron looks at it and says: "Oh. Here hare!"
To which the barkeep pulls a truncheon from underneath the bar and shouts: "Get it! Get the hare! It's over there!"
Many people look up and shout "Over where?"
"Over here!" One screams.
There's a tumultuous disturbance and many people jump on their desks. The hare itself bounds around the room crazily.
"Get the hare! It's over there! Find a snare!"
"Over where? Where is the hare?"
"I see it! There is the hare! It's near Mister Bear!"
During the disturbance, another hare entered with a mate. They bounded around and caused much trouble. The first hare was snared near Mister Bear but the other hares wouldn't take the bait. So the aforementioned patron herded them towards the first hare, but one bumped into Mister Bear's leg and he tripped over, flattening them both.

The first two hares were ruined, so they couldn't be used. But the first hare was cooked up in a stew. A journalist later published the article with the title: 'Hairy Happenings at Hugh's Bar.'

So you know what they say, a hare in a snare is worth two underneath Mister Bear.

[Roy Hunter]

The Apache chief loved his wife, and she had borne him a son - they were so happy. To celebrate that, the chief decided to get her something really special as a present. So one day the braves attack a wagon train on its way to a museum, and they bring back a hippo hide. The chief gives this to his wife as a present, and she uses it to sleep on.

Now the other women in the tribe are jealous of the chief's wife's hippo hide. They say to their hsbands "Why can't you get us exotic hides to sleep on?" "Where are our special beds?" The husbands do their best: they bring back mountain lion hides, and moose hides and all sorts, but their wives are not happy.

One day, two of the women send their sons to go and steal the chief's wife's hippo hide. They sneak into her tent and start rolling it up, but she comes back and surprises them. A fight ensues, and despite there being two of them, the boys can't get away from the chief's wife. The fight lasts for an hour, and when they all collapse exhausted, it is decided that the fight is a draw.

The moral of the story: the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

An inebriated fellow comes into a tavern and begins telling a long, drawn out story about a lion he shot and brought home from safari. He goes on to describe how it is big, yellow, and with black stripes.

The bartender says, "It sounds like you have a tiger, by the tale."

[ET, the Extra Terrestrial]

The moral of the story: the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

We really need a FSM facepalm icon.

[ET, the Extra Terrestrial]

In the depths of the countryside there lived a farmer who took care of baby animals.
The farm was very peaceful until one day the farmer's pig was murdered. Now the farmer took the incident very seriously, so he started an investigation. Unfortunately, the only witness the farmer had to this murder was his pet bunny rabbit.
Since the rabbit was unable to speak and tell him who murdered his little pig, the farmer lined up his four prime suspects, a cow, a horse, a goat, and a duck, and told the rabbit to pick out who had committed the dirty deed.
The rabbit hopped up and down the line, checking each animal, and then finally hopped forward three feet, and stopped in front of the goat.
"It wasn't me! It was't me!" yelled the goat.
The farmer shook his head and said, "The hare's looking at you, kid."

[ken worley]

OMFG, somebody remove my cerebral cortex before I see another of these.

Like a train wreck...I can't look away, but, the fcking humanity....jesus.

Stop it, for tyhe love of all that's good and pure in people.(not much, I admit, but....no one deserves these.