Career advice for the little blaggards

[Dan (dat haole dude)]

Arroha, Cabin Wench! aboarrrgh-d da Eunice wee jus' putte a bitte uv saltpetre in da parrgh-ot foode an' da boids stay alle ree-lax'ed an' calme (cuz a horny, glued-on parrgh-ot will hattack yer ear'ole wif bad hinten-shuns, fo' reals!)

[black bart]

Aaaarrrgh I used ta know a chap called 'Salty Peter'...I never troid ta feed im to me parrot tho.

[Cabin Wench]

I'm glad of th' warnin' - i dint know that frisky parrots was liable t' git friendly with ears!
As for Salty Peanuts -is that good for em?

What other parrot perversions do i av to watch out for?
If they be into leather be moy eye patch safe?
How do sticking em on me shoulder affect them?
Could I try something else or be a parrot mandatory? How about a squirrel?

[black bart]

Squirrel? We aint come across any squirrels on board the Big Brenda yet. Perhaps they be hidin in the hold...no, impossible...the Bilge rats would ave had em fer sure!

[Dan (dat haole dude)]

Skw-rr-llz?? djoo say "skw-rr-llz", Cabin Wench? akchully they bee noice t'ave arrrgh-ound...make a change from boiled bilge ratte au jus...mmmmmmmm...o' course, there bee nuffink like da worlde's mos' perfect foode:


S P A M..(wif er wivoutte Vegemite/Ozzie garnee..)

[pieces o'nine]

Learne awl ye kin at Pyrate Sheff Skool. The cook wot kin whip up a batch ov "Squirrel Pâte àla Marinière" kin soign on t'enny shippe i' thee fleate.

[Cabin Wench]

Come on!
Vegemite be just an elaborate Aussie joke to catch out unwary Poms baint it?
Just like Marmite!
If I do go for a Spam instead of a squirrel on my shoulder is there less chance of it going for my ear or might the vegemite drive it mad?

[Dan (dat haole dude)]

Hmm, SPAM-on-da-shoulder.....hmmmm...welle, if'n ye carrrgh-ved hit t'looke loike a parrgh-ot an' paynted itte summat wif yaller/bloo/redde/greene, oi speck ye'd be goode to goe*

*ya gotta bee-warre uv them thynges wot live in yer jyint 'atte, tho..they'll creep outta da 'atte wen yer knott lookynge an' snack on yer SPArrrgh-ot..fo' reals! (&, trust mee, all jyint 'attes 'ave vermin an' bugges an' all sorts uv nawsty icky grubby crappe wot live in 'em!..yesssss--even grrllz jyint 'attes)

[Cabin Wench]

Well obviously the Spam would have to stay in the tin!
Otherwise the bilge rats would be up my back and on me shoulder quick as...erm..rats!
As for th' things that live in me 'at-be they capable of opening spam tins?
Can they grasp the little key?
Could the spam get away from them in an emergency by hiding in me hooj coat pockets?

[pieces o'nine]

Best knot t'tayke chances wiv a jyint 'at, Cabin Wench. 'Ave ye nivver 'erd ov:

Frum goolies an ghosties
An long-leggedy beasties
An fings wot go bump in thee 'at,
Good Lorrrghd, d'livver hus!

[Dan (dat haole dude)]

Cabin Wench..as ye kin see frum 'er avvie, C-s-M* P.O'N bee onta summat..that tharr rein-vulture snacks on enny an' all da creepy-crawlies wot reside inne 'er "jyint doo-rag"..

Best knot t'tayke chances wiv a jyint 'at, Cabin Wench. 'Ave ye nivver 'erd ov:

Frum goolies an ghosties
An long-leggedy beasties
An fings wot go bump in thee 'at,
Good Lorrrghd, d'livver hus!

*happolly-wogs to ya CW.."C-s-M" is short fer "Captain-seestah-Moderator" cuz dat fierce grrl under dat funne 'atte bee alla dem (& doin' 'em alle proude, too!)

[Cabin Wench]

Ah so it looks like me Spam is safe from the creepy-crawlies.
Where can I get a rein-vulture from?
Is Spam safe from them or will there still be some sort of disputation goin' on around me 'at?
Does praying 'elp?
Is our noodly Lord one who answers prayers or be he more likely to be passed out from the grog?

[pieces o'nine]

Ah so it looks like me Spam is safe from the creepy-crawlies.
Where can I get a rein-vulture from?
Is Spam safe from them or will there still be some sort of disputation goin' on around me 'at?
Does praying 'elp?
Is our noodly Lord one who answers prayers or be he more likely to be passed out from the grog?

1. Mayhap yes an mayhap no...

2. Theyre be sevrul arrrghtis tick toipes in thee pyrate threads. Ye shood foind yer oan "look" an then ye axes wun ov us to creeayte ye an avvie, loike.
[Warrrghnin: Bart will trye t'put a weevil in yer avvie sumwears...]

3. Hmmm, me magick ate ball sais, "Ansir huncleare."

4. Preyin may 'elp if ye baint prey -- yeroanself -- alreddy.

5. We don' prey to the FSM much in thee pyrate threads. We be moor concerned abowt thee hack shuns ov [GULP!] ... CRONAN ...

[Cabin Wench]

Thanks fe' the advice P O'N !
I am wary tho' o' gettin meself an avvie as would attack whatever is sitting on me shoulder!
I would luv t' find me "oan look" but av no eyed deer where t'look for it.
Where might it be stowed? Probably in the bilges goin boi me usual look!
How do oi recognise an arrghtis tick type pirate?
Be your flags used as paint rags or be it eggsperi mental film projected on the sails?

[black bart]

Indeed yer aboslutely roight as ever Pieces...all new recruits need ta be aware o ye terrible Cap'n Cronan. In fact me chief science orficer has been workin on a new Sat Nav devoice we shall be callin the CronNav which will opefully be able ta track the movements o Cap'n Cronan on a 24 hour basis. The CroNav system will be equipped wiv sonar so it can keep track o Cronan above and below the waves.

Meanwhile I can suggest this as an halternative to the Spam on the shoulder...I give ye the Spamingo: