St. Prego visited me last night in a dream. He was adamant that I share the following missive concerning the celebration of feast days and holy days with all mortal earthlings:
Jan. 2: Day of St. Parmagiano
March 3: Day of St. Prego
July 16: Foebelsâ€™ Day (Foebelsâ€™ is pronounced /fee-belz/). On this day, we honor a great race of sentinent beings in shiny flying saucers who chanced across the great Lord Flying Spaghetti Monster while cruising the galaxy. Their encounter with Him put them into such a state of ecstasy that they immediately headed their flying saucers into the Virtudinous Black Hole, and have never been heard from again. It is unclear whether the term â€œFoebelâ€ refers to the name of the race, or the name of their flying saucers, but in any case, it is customary to celebrate their day by cooking large meatballs that have been flattened into the shape of flying saucers over an open flame that is said to represent the heat of a nearby star. Nowadays we call these flattened meatballs â€˜foebelsâ€™, and they are often served with a thick tomato sauce seasoned with vinegar. Pasta, if it is served with foebels at all, is usually served cold, in a white sauce made with eggs and oil. However, many prefer to serve their foebels with a cold potato dish in a similar white sauce. Perhaps the potatoes are to represent meteors? In any case, many families choose to take holidays near the time of Foebelsâ€™ Day so that they may frolic on the beach or lake front and engage in other games to celebrate the day while they sear their foebels over open flames.
Sept. 6: Day of St. Ragu
Sept. 7: Day of St. Pesto
Oct. 23: Pastabration. On this day, we must fast from dawnâ€™s first light until sunset. However, we may drink pasta water (the water that pasta has been cooked in) during the day. At dusk, there is a large feast of pasta in as many forms as the cook can manage to prepare. Celebrants begin to babble with the heady rush of ecstasy that may come about 20 minutes after beginning the pasta feast. This feeling of ecstasy is a sign of blessing from Lord Flying Spaghetti Monster, and only the truly faithful will experience it. Anyone who does not fast on this day will receive 50 lashes with a wet spaghetti noodle.
St. Prego also noted that he was delighted to see so many young people celebrating our holy Friday each week by breaking bread together whose surface is covered with the symbolic sticky ooze of Lord Flying Spaghetti Monster, dotted with chunks of vegetables or meats from all the planets of the realm and blessings from Saints Parmagiano and Mozzarella.
Unfortunately, I cannot remember the end of the dream completely, but I do believe there was one more holiday to be celebrated sometime in February. On this day, people in white piratesâ€™ costumes toss handfuls of spaghetti sauce at each other and shoot spaghetti sauce covered meatballs from special meatball guns. When you get hit with a meatball, it doesnâ€™t hurt, but it makes a big mess. And thatâ€™s the whole point of the day. It isnâ€™t clear whether this is a religious holiday or a secular celebration of some kind. There was also mention of a holiday that involves jumping over 10 gallon pots of boiling spaghetti while whistling the pirate song from Disneyâ€™s version of Peter Panâ€”do you think itâ€™s connected with our religion, or someone elseâ€™s?