Here's the mystery you've all been waiting for, diligently investigated by your favourite Pirate Detective, Det. TurtleHolmes!
The following is a part compilation of journal extracts and supposition:
'The Mystery of the Dinghy of Fools'
Cast adrift on an open boat with no hope of an 'Aaaargh' how did the silly buggers get to land without losing their treasure?
Lads, this tale begins with a pirate. His aarghs were becoming disjointed and, in some cases, completely different phrases. He was also trying to get to land in his dinghy with his last five crew members without losing the treasure.
Firstly, the man's name was Black Bart, and his crew members were Adam, Shuffly Pete, Right-Half Will, Always Shoutin' Uri, and DaveL. His dinghy had the highest concentration of fools in the known universe.
Black Bart was busy munching on Right-Half Will's left half when DaveL, who was standing on Shuffly Pete's head as a crows nest, shouted,
Bart looked up from his meal at the direction DaveL was pointing, and indeed, there was an island.
It was at this point where the journal entries finish, and mental recounts begin.
Black Bart, for he was one of the only two that survived, recounts that he was sailing in towards the island when his peg leg poked a hole in the rubber floor, sending water flooding out through the hole into their little boat. He gasped, then yelled at Adam to plug the hole with whatever he could. Unfortunately, he found that Adam had somehow poked his other eye out with his cutlass, and fallen overboard.
Bart reminded me that this dinghy had the most foolish men in the world in it, and continued with his tale.
With the dinghy rapidly filling with water, Black Bart thought fast, and shoved the left half of Right-Half Will's bum cheek over the hole, for Right-Half Will wasn't a thin man. He was rather portly, and tasted delicious with a little seawater, so recounts Black Bart.
With the hole temporarily blocked, Bart did a head count. Literally, a head count, as Shoutin' Uri had, in the panic, swung his cutlass around and decapitated Shuffly Pete and Right-Half Will's head off, and somehow managed to do his own as well.
"That made two point foive 'eads, iffen oi does remember me maffs," he said to me.
You understand that with that much blood about, the sharks tend to be drawn to you quite quickly.
To make sure they weren't going to sink any time soon, Bart shoved Right-Half Will's left bum cheek further into the hole. When it was sufficiently plugged, he looked up, and saw DaveL talking to something, and dangling bits of body over the side. Of course, DaveL was suffering from delusions, and the sharks were on the other side. As of yet, neither DaveL nor Bart had noticed the ominous grey shapes lurking around them.
End of Part One:
Part Two Coming Soon!
A flap of the wings yesterday means big changes tomorrow.
Let's work together to keep the present inevitable.
So yeah, I went and got a blog.