How to be Holy.

[ken worley]

When I was a young man, I heard a story, perhaps apochryphal, about Mohandas Ghandi.
It seems that Ghandi was travelling through India, and a western journalist was travelling with him, chronicling their experiences.
At some point, they were to catch a train, and arrived at the station late, just as the caboose was clearing the platform. The two men ran, the journalist caught the railing first, and turned to extend a hand to the frail Ghandi.
Ghandi climbed/was pulled up onto the rear deck, but in doing so, one of his sandals slipped off, landing on the railbed. Ghandi immediately dropped to a seated position, removed his other sandal, and flung it behind the train, where it landed, a few dozen feet from the first.
The journalist, patronizingly, asked Ghandi if this action was some sort of superstitious custom.
Ghandi smiled and replied that the first sandal, once lost, left its mate useless to him, but now, whoever found them would have a complete pair.

Ever since I read this tale, I have wanted to become the kind of man who could instantly respond in such an instinctively whole way to the world around me, even in the midst of my own misfortune.
Three days ago, I got a chance.

I was driving down a twisting back road, between two installs at work, and was dividing my concentration between steering and flipping through the pages of my map book, trying to get to the right page before I missed a turnoff. I got to the correct page, but had trouble folding the spiral-bound page back without tearing it. By the time I got it squared away, I looked up at the road just in time to see that I'd drifted onto the shoulder, and to see the end of my ladder, on its rack, clip a mailbox, flinging it off its post, where it rolled dentedly across the homeowner's lawn.
At the same instant, I saw the homeowner, who was in his driveway, shoveling snow. He had heard the impact, and was just making eye contact with me, as I drove past him.
I don't know what made me think, at that moment, about the Ghandi story. But I did, and without thought or deliberation, I raised my middle finger at the homeowner and yelled,


"Take That, you ugly bastard!!!", and sped away.

[St John the Blasphemist]

That reminds me of the Dalai Lama.

His feet are his only carriage, so from all that walking he has corns, bunions etc on them.

Because, apart from walking, he doesn't do that much exercise, and his vegetarian diet doesn't provide the nutrition that one needs to stay fit, he has a rather frail body.

He is known throughout the world as a great prophet and seer.

Because his primary diet consists of rice and other soft foods, he doesn't do that much chewing and as a result probably has bad breath.

Which would make him a:

Super Callused Fragile Mystic Vexed By Halitosis

St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Julie Andrews Movies

[EarthRise]

I thought it was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis, but that may just be my version.

[MPTrooper]

It's threads like this that make me want to hit people upside the head with a bat.

[ken worley]

"Hey, Screw You, Jack!...Lay a finger on me, and you'll be sportin' a sweet case of rabies!..."

[Warlord of Elephants]

Damn Ken you look 'hotter' than usual today.... Sin. WoE.

[ken worley]

...It is the blood......mmmmmmmmm....blood.

[black bart]

I was out in my garden the other day shoveling some snow off my drive, when some complete nutter drove past my front lawn, swiping my mail box with his rack ladder and knocking it clean off it's post.

To add insult to injury the miscreant not only failed to stop and make his apologies, but he shouted abuse at me and sped away down the street!

You can imagine how I felt.

Fortunately, however, I have been doing evening classes on the teachings of Ghandi and The Dalai Lama. I simply munched on my boiled lentil and chick pea sandwich, took a deep breath and sat cross legged in the snow.

Whilst sitting there at peace with the world my eyes caught sight of the unfortunate Mail Box lying battered on the snow, again my ire rose within me and I contemplated revenge, but the words of Ghandi came back to me:

"Recall in the face of the poorest and most helpless person whom you may have seen and ask yourself if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him, will he gain anything by it? Will it restore him to control over his life and destiny?

"

I pondered for a moment...and the answer came...someone needs to buy that nutter a Sat Nav.

[ken worley]

I am filled with fear, and loathing, as I contemplate the "autoprune" feature, and its indiscriminate axe.

[farfalla]

I was out in my garden the other day shoveling some snow off my drive, when some complete nutter drove past my front lawn, swiping my mail box with his rack ladder and knocking it clean off it's post.

To add insult to injury the miscreant not only failed to stop and make his apologies, but he shouted abuse at me and sped away down the street!

You can imagine how I felt.

Fortunately, however, I have been doing evening classes on the teachings of Ghandi and The Dalai Lama. I simply munched on my boiled lentil and chick pea sandwich, took a deep breath and sat cross legged in the snow.

Whilst sitting there at peace with the world my eyes caught sight of the unfortunate Mail Box lying battered on the snow, again my ire rose within me and I contemplated revenge, but the words of Ghandi came back to me:

"Recall in the face of the poorest and most helpless person whom you may have seen and ask yourself if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him, will he gain anything by it? Will it restore him to control over his life and destiny?

"

I pondered for a moment...and the answer came...someone needs to buy that nutter a Sat Nav.

I trust by this you mean that someone needs to buy KW a Saturday night with a burly lonely bloke from the Navy (for causes such as these I would donate considerably)

.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

I trust by this you mean that someone needs to buy KW a Saturday night with a burly lonely bloke from the Navy (for causes such as these I would donate considerably)

.

I too, would be willing to donate money to this worthy cause.

[black bart]

It's not a worthy cause because Ken isn't gay...I know he's not gay because he's prepared to save up a considerable amount of cash to pay for a woman's bus fare...I don't know, you can't even say the words Sat Nav around here without someone twisting the meaning.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Sat Nav?

Saturn's Navel?

Boy, you're weird, BB.

[black bart]

And it's pretty impressive:

http://homepage.mac.com/joebergeron/navel.htm

[black bart]

We don't want any innuendoy remarks about Saturn's ring...