Far fetched anecdotes of the sea.

[black bart]

Arrrr...I think we've got some work ta do on Cronan's image and dating agency video afore we think of any 'Brides of Cronan!'

He did put an advert in the Portsmouth Guaaaardian lonely hearts pages once, but his criteria were a bit stringent:

Must like:

Survival training and long distance swimming

Belgian Ale

Boy Bands

The Titanic and other doomed ships

Mist and Fog

[CATPIN_PUFF]

I can is story tiem now pleaz?

STORY O' ICHY PEET



Itchy Peet is part me crew. He is demon-King o bilge rats. Here is story he come my crew....

cat pirate is very easy keep feed on long vyage. Is can eat fishes, an if no fishes, is has easy food... we is eatit bilge ratz.

Is stuck once many many many day in dull-drum. Is no wind, is no fish - very bad. Is send galleycat to bilge getit bilge rat - he is come back screecHINg and run top of crownest and is squall is monster rat in bilge. dis galleycat, he is used be black furs - his furs is turn wHIte and stick up every place. crew is call him chikn, he no move.

we is make war-party an head to bilge an openit. No monster rat. we is go lookit round - where is bilge ratz? see no live rat, is MaNY dead rat about though. what is kill ratz?

Holy skitelogs! Is sudden big warcry come YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI YI and is jump out bigest bilge rat ever see & UgLY like weevils wallywanker! No hairs, scaly tail, teeths like pile o fishbones, very very feerce.

fierce catpirate is jump to him n' hissin' n' spit n' scratch n' bite... this scary ting is killit quicklike. Not fight like normal rat - is just grabbit catpirate and shake, and bite in t'roat. Is two more catpirate attack... and two more... holy skite it kill five catpirate quicklike! I is jump & land on back, grab dis uggly skite back of neck & put claws in t'roat and is screeching in catspeak & manspeak mrYOwLgHstpft! Bad ting u is sit still or I is treat u to open t'roat! mmmrrryyyeeaughlowow!

dis crazy skite is put 'is ass to floor & make small sound like hurt - I is go to face and smakit with paw & manspeak stay still mebbe is spare life. I is tink dis is feerce warror rat & mebbe is good to battle fo catpin Puff sied. I is tell Ol' Nick go to galleystores, get saltybeefs manfood, dis crazy ting speakit manlish, mebbe is eat manfood. Is eatit, is then try lik me face - i is sez like duje, is has already bath dis week, but is no more feerce. dat is how Itchy Peet is my crew.

Itchy Peet good pirate-ting - is no lazy like manpirate, catpirate. Is no to smartz - is only hearing manspeak, is cannae speak excepted warcry YI YI YI, but is obeyit everyting catpin sez, follow 'round, watchit back. Is one problem, is has keep bilge lock, or he is go killit bilge rat & no eatit - we tink he is mebbe demon bilgerat & punish bad one. If we need bilgerat eatit... send Peet he love it, kill, bring back. Name is Peet cuz he is peet on mast soon he get on deck, and is scratch'n'bite skin all time.

[black bart]

Arrrrrr...I enjoyed that one matey...I wont arsk if it be it a true story...we knows a Pirate's word be his bond.

Many a strange thing has crawled up out o me Bilges...but I aint seen anything quite loik Ichy Peet...although he do resemble Walktheplank wivout his wig.

[pieces o'nine]

Yarrr, that be a good'un, an worth a roun on Cap'n Turtlehead!

Wot arrre ye drinkin, Catpin Puff?

[CATPIN_PUFF]

fishwisky!

If no fishwisky, is can do rum-milk, garshin sardine.


thankee kinly



is one day I tells ye o' homeland, Catatonia. Is long tail, some happy ting, some sad ting...

[black bart]

fishwisky!

If no fishwisky, is can do rum-milk, garshin sardine.


thankee kinly



is one day I tells ye o' homeland, Catatonia. Is long tail, some happy ting, some sad ting...

Catatonia...they were a Welsh pop group!

'Mulder and Scully' was a big hit.

[The Black Spot]

Catatonia...they were a Welsh pop group!

'Mulder and Scully' was a big hit.

Arrr... I remembers them. They deserved a big hit -- with an anvil.

[CATPIN_PUFF]

Is STORY APA ZECHAR & OMA NEPETH

I is orphan kitteh, dis is story cats raise me like there own kitteh. Most dis I hear seconpaw, I is don't memberit much that time.

Zechar is fisher-cat live under dock in Portsmouth. Zechar is most clever cat I is know my life; he is also pollydactly. Zechar is work tools and bild tings his own two paws, he is built hisself small boat outta half rum cask & old scrap sail an he is every night sail out bay & catch fishes like fishmans. Dis make him pretty big tom on docks, but he is humbel cat & is only keep enoug feed him & his calico queen Nepeth, is give rest to mama cat with feed small kitteh.

His & Nepeth is cannae has kitteh theys own.

One night hella storm come up Portsmouth coast, blow up real good. Dey here later plenty ship is lost, some is not sinkit but is lose many sailor over side. Zechar is have good sens not go fish wether like dat, but he is worry boat is hunky dory. he is go down were is tie it up, look - dory is still hunky. he is secur it doubletite & startit go home & he is see soggybundle fur tossing in waves. Is me.

Dey is rase me up just like dey is my real Apa & Oma, actually is much better than is most cat is raise kitteh. I is eats plenty freshist fish, grow hella big & strong & puffy, wen I is get big I is help fishit with Apa Zechar.

is continu laterz...

[pieces o'nine]

That be a hinspirin tale, Catpin Puff!


An oi'll compleament ye on masterin the shitf key wiv yer paws! Thee pollydacktly seems ter be a godsend arfter all.

[black bart]

Catpin Puff, are ye gettin yer dialect from Keehar from Watership Down?:

is No Sunset Is No Good Here!

and

You stupid bunnies!

[CATPIN_PUFF]

Is funny my talk, is cause I is learn manspeak talk mans many many many diffrn't lands - I is hire sailormans many diffrn't ports round world.

Is most speakit english enuf talk otter mans, but I don't tink they is hunnerpercent perfect, and dey also use word make englishman give blank look - is der own langue I think.

end result is I speakit more Manglish den english. some mans say I manglit pretty good - I is proud bout dat.

[CATPIN_PUFF]

is STORY BIG TUNNY

continued last time I is sez I get big & strong & fishin with Apa Zechar. fishit every day, good work, plenty fishs. Most we catched little fishs some middle fishs, herring skvids makrels whiteing mebbe dogfish (yik!) is good day get samlon. Usuual day can git tens tventy tirty pound fish, bringit back feed all poor kitteh & momses. Have big day manyfish we is thrw big catparty & eatit good.

One day we is out fish Apa Zechar is hav bite his line, is start pullit in dis makrel we suddn see dis BIG TUNNY is come from deep an eatit this makrel one bite! tunny is biggrn'n dam boat! Zechar is drop line, line is connet bow o' boat, holy skite - dis crazy tunny is start run an pull boat we is hang on claw to boat deer live. Is pull us round highspeedchase mebbe one hour dis tunny is get so panik swim near shore an bashit head right in cliff.

we is finally stop is dragged long ways Portsmuth harber, so we is startit sail back. Is stick big hook dis tunny towit behine alla way. as we is go sail, we is notice big ship awaysaway, is see evenin sun glint off manymany spyglass. ship is start Portmouth same time we do....

iz continu laterz....

[CATPIN_PUFF]

Is A SIDE BOUT BILGE RAT

u gotta know it, most oomans is not.

Many many ppls, even pirate, is tink bilge rat be toughes skeeryis rat in alla landz. Dis not true actually is DOCK RAT. reasonit be dis:

Bilge rat is come from dock rat grain rat cargo rat sewer rat anny ratstock you tink, can beit bilge rat. Ting is thou... usualy on new ship, is only few rats get on board start with & thne go long long voyage not see land many moonth. By time ship is land next dock, bilge is be FULL o' rats. How is this is they is INBREED like you never seen before - bilge rat is soo inbreed that they muther is bruther and dad is granmamy. Other rat is come on ship later, they is lynchit caus they is big xeenofobe.

aslo bilge rat is just eet skite an bilge skum and don't see daylight - is give them waek consituton an gnarl little bodies & full o' pox & gonnoherpasyphilmatitus. don't misundertake me, they is HELLA MEAN SUMBICTH rats, but they is not TOUGH rat.

OTOP, dock rat is not mean rat - they is not bother you much if ye is let them be, but they is damn near size of cat and they is get drunk fight eatch other fun alla time (you think is fishwisky sound bad mantaste? YOu is not wanna know dock rat is gets drunk on - bilgerat is worss but still daaaammn is nasty). Dock rat is start sometimes frum bilge rat but is bilge rat allover world one dock, is become verrah outbreed, also has lots good strong food, fresh airs, get big & tough. Dock cat is usual not bother dock rat but young tom like go fight wit dock rat & if food realy problem sometimes is gotta kill to eatit. So dock cat is can killit dock rat is hard, but is not have problem killit bilge rat. Even poncy pet cat is can killit bilge rat if is has good fight skill.



is also import talk 'bout Tiddle bilgerat - is hear now he take top fight dock rat all ports on board & bild hella war crew, but is start he is just AAAARgh 9.0% rednek inbreed bilge rat crew.


also I is here now he has verrah interest rat his ship, dey big almost catsize too lookit like this:



is look like cat on Tiddle ship, but who is ye daddy? hurrrr hurrr hurrr.... yer queen is has KING RAT metink

[DancingKitty]

Catpin tell good storeez.

Tiddlez iz starngez kitteh evar. DancinKitteh tri stay wai fum Tiddlzez, bcuz ratzez not gud nayburz.

DansinKitteh look fur job dansin jigs...mebbeh at naise saluun? Can tell wun 2 meh?

[CATPIN_PUFF]

hurrr hurrrr hurrrr.... lookit gams on dis one.


(is you is queen right?)



Is try Scurvy Dog & talkit to Gert, she sweet on kitteh.