The Annual Academy Awards Fer Piratical Arts (The Jim Lads)

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Walktheplank! Someone give a wig to the lad!

Walktheplank gets up from his seat, smiling gracefully as he saunters up to the stage.
The announcer cries:
Walktheplank, dressed tonight in full pirate regalia, with a burgundy wig, and only the best velvet eyepatch (proudly donated from Johnno's Thrift and Bobs) is the winner of the Most Long Winded Tale segment tonight. Give him a round of applause, lads!
He steps on to the stage, takes the award from Mayor Liversausage with a kiss, and begins his speech.

wow thanks everyone im really glad for winning this award oh wow this is amazing ive never won anything like this before in my entire life except for the spelling bee in grade prep when i spelt the word word right id like to thank everybody on my crew for this award an me ol mam bless her soul i really wish i hadnt given you the once over before setting out oh wow im going to go and have a great wig party n the ship when i get back oh wow thanks everyone oh

The speech goes on for a while, and concludes when everyone has already gone to sleep.

i cant say how much i appreciate this award, thanks everyone and have a safe sail home

Which is received to tumultuous applause.

[black bart]

Damn...I was too slow then...

I was going to announce:

We are very sorry Pirates and Wenches but Walktheplank cannot be with us to receive his Jim Lad in person...but we do have his wig:



SPEECH!

[The Black Spot]

A klaxon sounded to wake the audience after Plank's acceptance speech. Mayor Liversausage wiped the sleep from his eyes, and read out the next category.

"The next award," he sneered, "is for the best Pirate Insult. The nominees are:

1. Black Bart for "Ye Grog Guzzling Bilge Rat Shagger"
2. Rowan Redbeard for "Ye're a closet tea drinker!"
3. Anthrobabe for "Ye smells like oniony farts"
4. Dan (da haole guy) for "Yez reeks like yez bin dancin' da 'Brown Trout Reel'"
5. The Black Spot for "Ye snot sucking whelk!"
6. Pieces o' nine for "Pox-rotted mangy blaggard!"

And the winner is...

[black bart]

I can't believe the Mayor has got this far without being kidnapped!

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

Yarr alla dis suspense is killin' me...who will win for Best Corruption of Thee English Language ?

Who will win Best Supporting Innuendo Character ? Will it be Seaman Stanes or Seaman Banks ?

[pieces o'nine]

::the presenter slits open the henvelope wiv is cutlass::

"The winner is ... The Rev. Rowan Redbeard for the truly moind-bogglin', hackle-rasin' 'Ye're a closet tea drinker!' "

::tumultuous applause, spontaneous insults, and cries of "Fraud!" erupt from the audience as RRR makes his way to the dais to accept his award::

[anthrobabe]

....as he makes his way to the glitteing stage RRR adjusts his cod piece and stops to spit shine his shoes. Upon gaining the velvet draped stage he stops dead for a moment and then throws his arms open wide as if to sing a song of joy, instead of a song of joy a loud and garlicy belch issues from his pipes. The wave of garlic fumes causes the first two rows to swoon leaving the way open for anthrobabe to climb over the prostrate forms of her fellow audience members in an attempt to make it to the breathtakingly expensively decorated stage where she will attempt to wrest the prize from RRR utilizing her...




(oh forgot to add-- goat sighting alert in progress)

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

..enormous hooks, each wun weighin' in at a staggerin' 500 pounds.

[tanguerra]

world famous rugby tackle (a manouever usually reserved for ejecting rowdy patrons from the Admiral Benbow). However, the Reverend is a wake up to her and lightly steps aside, just in time to avoid her onslaught, clutching his award tightly to his chest. Two black T-shirted roadies hastily frog march her back stage.

The Reverend smooths down his eyebrows and steps up to the microphone...

[tanguerra]

Oops! Sorry Captain T. We appear to have ripped a hole in the space time continuum once more.

[Auntie Blackbeard]

Why hasn't ye lot nominated your dear Auntie BB for anything ? ...hurry on now dearies .

[tanguerra]

Trying hard to ignore the various heckles, objects being thrown from rowdier elements and questions from members of the audience, the Reverend commenced his acceptance speech by thanking his tea merchant, his uncle who taught him the correct way to brew a pot of tea. Lastly he thanked Cho Sam, from whom he is presently learning the mysterious arts of the Japanese Tea Ceremony. Finally, and a little tearfully, he held his golden hook aloft and made his exit from the stage on the arm of a peg-legged, rather raggedy old hag.

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Oops! Sorry Captain T. We appear to have ripped a hole in the space time continuum once more.

Yaargh! The youniversity is foldin' in on isself!

Yours warghs be'er anyways.

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

Nominations for most comely Pirate wench are now being gathered...first nominee is Auntie Blackbeard !....Ok Auntie , I dun wot ye asked.ye kin release the thumbscrews now.

[black bart]

Mayor Liversausage was looking a bit nervous now as he realised the huge number of Pirates in the audience. However, always the consummate professional he took the mike and announced:

"The next award," said ken with a wink toward the deaf nurse, "is for the Most Comely Wench. The nominees are:

1. Auntie Blackbeard
2. Pirgella
3. Pieces o Nine
4. Tanguerra
5. The Deaf Nurse
6. Dave L in his pink dress

And the winner is...

**********************

The deaf nurse muttered 'What did he say?'

Dave L said 'I think he winked at you'.

'The filthy sod' said the nurse, 'isn't there a law against doing that in public?'