The Pirate Housewife's Coffee Break

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The Pirate Housewife's Coffee Break

Postby Auntie Blackbeard on Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:53 pm

This is a 'Woman's Own' type magazine to amuse the hard working Pirate Housewife whilst her Swashbuckling Pirate husband is away at sea. It's time for her to take a well earned break from the household chores, settle down with a nice cup of tea and read...complete saucy nonsense.

Post Short stories and other amusing snippets for our female readers.

Can you fix my blockage?

by Hayley Humpbucket

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Mrs Morgan stared forlornly out of the kitchen window, her arms up to the elbows in the murky water in the sink. It had been nearly a full year since her husband Captain Morgan had sailed from Portsmouth Harbour and in that time life had become harder and harder for poor Mrs Morgan. It wasn’t just the sink that was playing up, there were problems all over the house.

Mrs Morgan sat herself down for a cup of tea, a bun and a think. Suddenly a card dropped through the letterbox onto the doormat, she picked it up and read “Bustlin Brian’s Plumbing Emporium - for all your Plumbing and Household Maintenance needsâ€￾. Within minutes Mrs Morgan was on the phone, arranging a visit from Brian.

Next morning, when Mrs Morgan opened the door to Brian, she was momentarily taken aback by Brian’s manly demeanor, his strong hands clutching his tool box as he stood in the doorway. “Come in,â€￾ said Mrs M recovering her feminine poise, “That’s a big tool box you’ve got there.â€￾ Brian brushed passed her into the hall, his large frame accidently nudging her up against the wall. “In my business you need some big tools love, now where do you want me to start?â€￾ Turning ever so slightly crimson, Mrs M led Brian to the kitchen where he was soon busy with the sink.

Mrs Morgan sighed to herself, it was nice to have a man around the house again, especially one who was such a handyman. When Brian called out, “can you hold my bucketâ€￾ Mrs M was there like a shot. Crouching under the sink with Brian was the most fun Mrs M had had in months. Sadly Brian had sorted out Mrs M’s plumbing all too soon and after 5 cups of tea and eighteen biscuits it was time for Brian to leave. As he left, he said: ‘You shouldn’t have any more problems love. But if you need me, just give me a call.’

It was with sadness that Mrs M returned to the empty house each day during the following week. She almost wished she had an excuse to call Brian. So imagine her delight when she discovered the huge jobby she’d done the other night had completely blocked the loo.

‘I’m sorry about that’ said Mrs M when Brian turned up, ‘lucky you had such a big ram rod.’ Not only did Brian fix the loo but he also accepted Mrs M’s offer of a pie and a pint of ale. Brian nodded sympathetically as Mrs M told him about her husband being far away and unlikely to return for many months. ‘You make a nice pie Mrs Morgan, if you ever need a good rodding, don’t hesitate to call me. ‘Mrs M smiled, gazing into Brians eyes, please call me Cynthia,’ she said, she was debating whether to ask him round for another meal when he got up, thanked her for a pleasant nosh up and said: ‘Call me if you need me’.

After he’d gone Cynthia sighed to herself, she was only a customer after all, there was no reason to think anything would come of Brian’s visits. Even so, Cynthia wished she had an excuse to call Brian back. Suddenly Cynthia had a flash of inspiration.

When Brian arrived to fix the water tank, he stared at Cynthia. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it...It’s most unusual for your ball cock to drop off and get jammed in your in your main faucet whilst severely inhibiting your air gap.’ ‘ If I had to hazard a guess,’ he said, ‘I’d say this was the result of deliberate damage.’

A big smile spread accross Brians face. Cynthia blushed, standing there in her bra, knickers and suspenders, what an idiot she’d been., He’d seen straight through her.

‘Well then,’ said Brian, ‘that’s the plumbing sorted, now where did I put my ram rod?’
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Letters

Postby Auntie Blackbeard on Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:21 pm

Well I hope you enjoyed our story. We've just had a letter in from Portsmouth Housewife Mrs A...she wishes to remain anonymous but lets hope we can help.

Dear Auntie Blackbeard

My husband has been acting strangely of late. I am worried that our sex life has become too monotonous for him. Every evening for the last year or so he's taken to leaving the house dressed in a strange costume. He tells me not to wait up for him and sometimes I don't see him again for days!

The other day I found his costume in our wardrobe. I am very worried that my husband is into S&M. There was a large purple cloak and a skin tight body suit with a face mask. The most worrying thing for me was the big hole in the gussett of his pants!

I would like to know what my husband is getting up to but I am too afraid to ask. Do you think I have cause for concern?


Yours Sincerely

Mrs A
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shy

Postby black bart on Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:16 am

Dear Auntie Coffee Break

My wife Mrs Black Bart was going to write in but she 's too shy. Can Coffee Break Magazine reassure any ladies thinking of submitting letters or stories that none of it will get back to their husbands?

Especially the stuff about milkmen and plumbers.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby DaveL on Thu Feb 21, 2008 12:32 am

Arrrgghh...

Maybe we need a sealed section for wimmens secret business. We could also include a few photos for the girls of men's...
Manatee Singles

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tales

Postby black bart on Thu Feb 21, 2008 7:51 am

Arrrr...it be toim we comissioned a new coffee break tale...them housewifes ave a lot o toim on their hands.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby anthrobabe on Thu Feb 21, 2008 3:20 pm

Dear Handy Hints,

I was wonderin about yer advice on boilin coffee an all. Oim a new bride and haven't had much experience in making and boilin coffee for pirates and all. My new husband tells me that his morning coffee tastes better if I prepare it while- excuse my being un lady like here- undressed. He claims that if I wear me robe or pj's while makin his mornin coffee it gets bits of fluff and stuff in it so 'e prefers I makes it while wearin me birthday suit.
What do ye make o this practice.
I've been conceding to his wishes-- even though it's a bit drafty- but anything for me man.
Is it harmful in anyway?
How should I handle the neighbors?- as their landin overlooks me kitchen window and the poor fella has fallen down the stairs already a time or two since we moved in.

Sincerely,

Lady Falsiedew
My mantra
Just save the farkin Gorillas will you! They don't have spell check- but they do need YOU/US...
www.gorillafund.org

I Ned Speil Cheek!!!!!!!!

I'm *not* the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? I tell them something and they jump straight to it. "Yes, Mr. Lister Sir, eek,eek."
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Falsiedew

Postby black bart on Fri Feb 22, 2008 9:18 am

Dear Lady Falsiedew

Thankyou for your letter which I am delighted to tell you has won this months Prize Letter Award of a weekend at my Penthouse Flat overlooking Portsmouth Harbour.

Please bring your coffee making equipment with you.

Yours Sincerely

The Editor
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Re: Falsiedew

Postby anthrobabe on Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:04 am

black bart wrote:Dear Lady Falsiedew

Thankyou for your letter which I am delighted to tell you has won this months Prize Letter Award of a weekend at my Penthouse Flat overlooking Portsmouth Harbour.

Please bring your coffee making equipment with you.

Yours Sincerely

The Editor


Oh Sirs, we does thanks ye for ye kind invite an all-
We'll be there this weekend-- be advised oim bringin the fambly-- not only me 'usband but 'is bruther and bruthers wife and there 12 kids, they've got fleas but the sawbones says the scabies is clearing up real nice and is probly not contagioun anylonger. Yer parrot shuld be able to 'elp wif tha fleas.
We all be so hexcited-- we hopes ye be hexcited as well.











































GOTCHA!!!!!!!!!!! :mrgreen:
My mantra
Just save the farkin Gorillas will you! They don't have spell check- but they do need YOU/US...
www.gorillafund.org

I Ned Speil Cheek!!!!!!!!

I'm *not* the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? I tell them something and they jump straight to it. "Yes, Mr. Lister Sir, eek,eek."
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Postby black bart on Fri Feb 22, 2008 11:28 am

Dear Lady Falsiedew

That'll teach me for letting my secretary answer my correspondance. If I had known it was you writing I would have realised that you are NO lady! The last plumber what went round your house had to spend 6 months in rehab!

The Editor
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby anthrobabe on Sat Feb 23, 2008 4:40 pm

black bart wrote:Dear Lady Falsiedew

That'll teach me for letting my secretary answer my correspondance. If I had known it was you writing I would have realised that you are NO lady! The last plumber what went round your house had to spend 6 months in rehab!

The Editor


Oh but what put 'im in rehab sure put a smile on his face!
My mantra
Just save the farkin Gorillas will you! They don't have spell check- but they do need YOU/US...
www.gorillafund.org

I Ned Speil Cheek!!!!!!!!

I'm *not* the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? I tell them something and they jump straight to it. "Yes, Mr. Lister Sir, eek,eek."
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anthrobabe
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Postby Mad Willyum Bonney on Sun Feb 24, 2008 12:19 pm

Yarr Auntie , I'd loike a cup wiff sum creem and sugARR !
Remembering St. John
Remembering Auntie DeeDee
Remembering times of innocence
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Postby anthrobabe on Wed Mar 05, 2008 12:33 pm

well I gots plenty of sugar sweetie!


Dear Handy Hints,

do you have any advice for helping to prolong the life of the elastic o me 'usbands eye patches? 'es ownin several lovely styles and they seem to 'old up well but the dratted elastic keeps gettin all strechhy and loose and 'e looks a right git wif his patch all dangly.
thanks to ye
Elizabeth Goodywife
My mantra
Just save the farkin Gorillas will you! They don't have spell check- but they do need YOU/US...
www.gorillafund.org

I Ned Speil Cheek!!!!!!!!

I'm *not* the lowest rank on this ship. What about the laboratory mice? I tell them something and they jump straight to it. "Yes, Mr. Lister Sir, eek,eek."
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anthrobabe
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Postby Auntie Blackbeard on Sat Mar 08, 2008 4:09 pm

Dearest Goodywife,

Send for my patented anti-dangle cream. Positively garunteeeed to keep any thing from becommin all dangly and gettin in tha way. Just smears a huge dab on what evir ye be wishen to not have dangle and it won't nevir dangle at all.
Safe to use around pets and children.
May be applied to skin as well-- use it on those problem areas to firm up and add elasticity to any of ye own dangly parts.
Order today and gets me free brochurea entitled " a housewifes guide to makin it appears ye've been cleanin and mendin all day wile ye've aktually been surfin ARGH-bay"

please enclose payment for the cream and a self addressed stamped emvelop for tha brochurea.
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Postby Mad Willyum Bonney on Sat Mar 08, 2008 4:27 pm

Ahoy Auntie ! ... Do you have any decaffienatid ?
Remembering St. John
Remembering Auntie DeeDee
Remembering times of innocence
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Postby ~NoodleDemon~ on Sat Mar 08, 2008 5:01 pm

decaffeinated?

BLASPHEMY!
I hope you're on the recieving end of an improbability equation wherein something happens to you that's as unlikely as Rob Schneider winning a best actor Oscar on the same day Michael Jackson single handedly captures Osama Bin Laden. ~ Rainswept

O.K. Everything else is just stuff you do while you are waiting to have sex. Sin. WoE. ~ Warlord of Elephants

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