Pirate Chef on the High Seas

[ChowMein]

"The Midgit Ring is a myth sir,a fable.a legend."

"Most folk beleive thus to be true,but I know better Billy Budlight."

"I've heard it to be an itty bitty wee bit of personal adornment, a music instrument or some sort of button at the Midgit temple door nicked by a pilgrim when the temple wuz new sir"

"Bollocks Billy", the Midgit Ring be a place nay an object!"

"Let me tell you how we found it, I must start at the beginging when The Inquister of the Noodle hitched a ride with us."

"Pull up a rotting chairl Billy,get yerself a large mug of beer,pile up a big plate of ramen, find a comely stripper and listen to... Da Inqiuster's Code."

[black bart]

One ring to rule them all, One ring to bind them...

One ring the pirates seek

They voyage hither and thither

One ring of midget lore, One ring of fire

I know where, sais Billy Bones

But the blaggard is a Lier!

[ChowMein]

".....And that was from the ancient scroll of Black Bart ,the only fragment to survive from the dawn of piracy ,where the only means of ocean travel were fallen logs", said the asst. inquisitor of the noodle.

"" Now here are my paintings from my recent trip to midgit mountain, as you can see the the temple is quite large and about 50 ft high covering four hectares , I mean acres.Note the doorway of the temple is 12 ft high and 10 feet abreast.
With this in mind consider the shrine of the meatballs and sausage in this painting...the sausage stands firmly erect at fourty five feet and the meat balls on either side of the sausage are fifteen feet in diameter.
The big bowl of noodles are roughly 25ft in diameter and estimated to be 1500 tons in weight.

Obviously the megaliths were here long before the temple, which is estimated to be at least 15,000 years old.
One cannot fit the megaliths through the door so they must have built the temple around the megaliths which are eons in age.

The scroll of Calico Jack , decrypted only twos years past states that the temple was built to protect the shrines from weathering , teenagers and overzealous pilgrims.

At this point I shall encourage all pirates and pilgrims to climb the mountain which has many refreshment stops on the way to the peak . I advise all to bring a rucksack to carry your purchased noodles , of which all varieties are present , and beer at the base of the mountain which is managed by the Honourable Order of the Toadfish . It is a nonprofit operation as opposed to the remainder of the rest stops run by pirates who take you for all you have."


(The crew of the Raging Queen smiled and nodded in approval mouthing yarrs)

"Afterwards one must linger in the cool confines of the temple, marvel at the megaliths , kiss the balls , stroke the sausage and lick a noodle.

(The crew was visibly excited)

I should add that the monks caring for the temple and shrine wish that you do this gently as millennia of feverish stroking has worn the sausage so that it is no longer has a uniform diameter.
Notice from this painting how the uppermost six feet of sausage is much wider creating a large knob, the tappering to the very tip however was caused by the effects of erosion.

Here is a painting showing the details on the balls , notice the irregular pitting here and ...over here.
It is my theory that this was not caused by weathering has my colleagues contend , but rather they are or were symbols.
Before I speculate on an interpretation allow me to give you some information about the balls themselves".....

Dear brethren and sisters, join the crew of the Raging Queen next time as we learn more about... THE MIDGIT'S BIG BLUE BALLS!

[ChowMein]

ARRRRRRGH! me piratey mateys, are any of you still out there?I only seem to get feedback from the Admiralty.If no one is appreciating this stuff I'm taking the crews to the sanctuary ,you can stop by and read about the voyages there.
It's becoming more and more difficult to do this on two fronts.

Chow for now!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Oi certainly be looking forward to hearin more about your Midgits matey. There be more to the little buggers than squeakey voices. How do they get the blue paint down their pants?

[black bart]

...and has anyone ever seen their rings?

[ChowMein]

Tarrr......mateys ....ah be discurgen...I dun loss..... da 'ole chapper ....cos forum closed rite wen ah be puttin' da cork inna bottoe . Butz me notices ... it be lost at sea....

[ChowMein]

from the recently cracked bottled of Don PerryScopeden 1489 CE , ARRrrrrrrrrr.......Mateys , since the 15th of June of this , the year of the Great Portsmouth Chili "Incident". I have been actually concerned about our current circumstances ,we have been drifting at sea now almost two moons .
The heat is stifling without a hint of breeze ,I am keeping cool below decks with a pitcher of sangria while the rest of the crew goes skinny dipping . The situation may get bad although I have plenty of stores of brandy , wines , liquors , sherrys and beers , what are those guys going have , water ?
I figure we only got three more moons before they run out of water ."The water might last a bit longer ",I told them if they stopped showering and mopping and pothole cleaning every day...let alone the laundry .....

Anyway....I figure we went and found ourselves in the DOLDRUMS !...boring ole doldrums ...the lads row the boat to keep buff ,and stave off the boredom . This is the time i go above deck to even my tan and keep pace by lying in my hammock banging my bongos . It isn't that bad of a job I suppose as i get a breeze if I pound out a fast and furious one , after a bit of that my arm does tire so I go back to drinking and let the lads drive in circles .

[black bart]

...as the Captain banged away on his bongos, and Black Bart struggled manfully with the Scrolls (tis a terrible debilitatin afflictshun the Scrolls is!), the lookout suddenly called out "Stop bangin on those Doll Drums...I can hear something...

Cap'n: But aint ye supposed ta be a Lookout not a Earout?

Lookout: I can hear singin Captain...Neptune preserve us in Rum...tis the Sirens of Titan!

A strange and beautiful song wafted toward the ears of our heros till they were filled with an ardent longing to meet the ladies of the song. The wind suddenly picked up and the Raging Queen drifted toward the singing maidens...

[Dan(da haole guy)]

..altho, 'til now no one had ever actually determined that the Sirens were, in fact, maidens...definitely "intacta" but "virgo" might be stretching a point..& as the Raging Queen drifted towards the singing, the crew wondered if a point was the only thing that would be stretched that day..

[black bart]

...takin up this fine detailed argument, Seaman Muggerage, who appened ta be from Maidenhead, ponted out that the singing voices were rather low...suddenly out of the mist appeared a vast dark shape...

[ChowMein]

" PUT ON THE BRAKES ! " , I screamed , Capt , Lance worked the wheel hard as Seaman Stanes dropped the anchor , I threw back a quick shot of Baileys and hoped for the best expecting the horrid crunch and splintering of overgrown dried celery stalks.

.....Just the sound of waves and the squealing of seamen , whew ! the Queen is intact !

We dropped sail to have a boo at this thingie . Twas a floating tourist booth . It consisted of a wooden platform made from logs , upon it sat a tall booth .
we entered the booth and were inundated by the signs , advertisements and wanted posters of a pirate dressed in pink frilly gARRments .

I focused on the " You are here " map and there it was .... an arrow to the Midget Ring !

" Holy Socks Cap.! , This questing stuff is a piece a pie ! The Ring be good as ours ! "

" Oh Goody ! ", Replied a delighted Cap. Lance

" So from here we go this way to Avalon hang a sharp left until we see Atlantis stay on the leeward of side of her 10 leagues out ya see the Capital then a month due south we hit the HOT Islands stay on that course under full sail and within three moons past the islands we take on provisions in Mu and we're there !!! "

The Raging Queen was going to get her ring ! So this wee dot on the map is where we find the Ring !? First we'll have some rum and homemade cola with ice , and I want them big cubes not those wee pebbles thank ye very much ! Then we 'll do some wraps with giant auk ( this place has a BBQ pit ! ) and guacamole .

Then off we go ! To Chapter Whatever ! To seek our fortune , new booze and recipes , to make whatever food we come across into ammunition .to seek owt bits of anatomy , large , ripe yet frm , dusting as we go , for these are the voyages of the Raging Queen ...

[ChowMein]

Chapter Whatever....

....We have rowed ourselves silly searching for the Midgit Ring....

....We no longer have water ...just booze....this makes rowing in a straight line diffycult...We are owt of beasties or critters of any kind to sustain ourselves....We are in Dire Straights of No Return to be sure....

......a shout from the nest...POINTY ROCKS STICKING OWT FROM THE WATER AHOY!

...an atoll grew on the horizen...whoreyesin...distint... destink...from far away!

"HUZZAH" bellowed the crew, "we be saved to be sure!"

I was not convinced of this for atolls are generally sparse of fresh water and food critters...but there should be something to pillage...
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..................many dots went by representing the slow passage of time before we could land..................................to my surprise the atoll was emense...amense...very very big!

The island we landed upon was loaded with life and bugs as well as a few signs posted abowt...................................................................

I found one that just abowt sent me into a Mad Will Bonney Rant or MWBR...the sign read...WELCOME TO THE MIDGITS RING OF ISLANDS...NO OUTSIDE VITTLES OR POTABLES...signed , the management.

WTF!? THEE OLDE MIDGITS RING BE A TOURIST ATTRACTION !

I felt myself awash with rage...we suffered thru the DOLDRUMS to find this tourist trap!

I found another sign..." get ye authentic Midgit Balls smothered with a sauce of your choice with the best pasta in the rings on island #37 . (Deep green Algae pesto...deeper gang green ooze...rusty iron marinara...bloody red blud sauce... white pus sauce and botulism blue cheese )

"BOTULISM BLUE CHEESE!" , the shocking truth struck me in me guts...just like the time Tansy The Terrible caught me trying ta nick her pink stripper gear ta trade to DaveL for flavoured grog...

...The legend of the midgits blue balls was a myth after all...the balls were of the colour of the sauce that smothered them.
I am crest fallen...is any quest worth the effort I thought...is anything sacred?

Poor BillyBudlight, he believed anything I told him...no bejeweled ring for
Billy...no Great Big Blue Balls for him for marvel at and stroke....

....for the sake of Billy I shall set myself and my mind towards a new batch of owtrageous lies for him.........this could take a few dots ...........................

[ChowMein]

......" So you are correct after all sir ", said a gleeful Billy , " Thee Migit Ring Is a ring of islands ."

Billy was happy to have fresh water , grateful for a change of diet . ....

******turning over ye hourglass counterclockwise*********

......from deep in the Doldrums........

..............stores depleted ....no water...the last of the canned spinach consumed.....Billy's guts churned and groaned and cussed at him...he was very hungry .

Billy never thought he could bring himself to sample Frogs Leggs . But within the week , when the various aromas arising from the galley assailed him to madness , he returned to the table and broke his fast .

"AHHHHgagagaga... Yaar Billy ! Iamz grateful ta see ye be 'avin yer vitdells " , said the quartermaster with the anchor shaped forearms .

He was the last to refrain from eating meat . The quartermaster was second last . This powerful man who had weakened considerably the last few days is still doing all the rowing . Billy took his spot next to him and began his meal...

"Sorry lads" , said the cook , " that be all there is of poor ole Hippitty !"

Billy was still hungry and thought of flavoured iced cream , pomme fritters ....Belgian chocolate loaf....nonono...no more chocolate loafs....Billy wasn't that happy about the chef's new cookbook......

******Turning ye hourglass clockwise with haste******

" Finally ! Fresh fruits and veggies instead of fresh fruits and veggies with Frogs Leggs "

[ChowMein]

As we begin our third moon on thee Midgit Islands I find the sea beckoning me . This landlubbering is idyllic but how can we call ourselves pirates without plundering and the like ?

I am resolved to get sailing again , this time with a greater purpose , these island are sorely lacking in grains and vegetables . This situation limits tested recipes for my cookbook . I shall persuade my mates to join me on a new venture . We shall pillage seeds and plants to further diversify our menu on these islands .

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Join our intrepid seamen next time as the crew responds " Hell no we're not going and you can't make us , so there ! "