Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

[amenabletopasta]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Yarr, Many moons ago, arter a special good party, I's dropped a few swabs off on a little island miles from anywhere. When I sobered up, I's forgot all about them. Now they's bred like rabbits and there are billions of the blighters, asking awkard questions about where they came from. Should's I tell em it were all a joke, or leave 'em to get on with it?

Arrr! Oi reckons thar might be some o' 'em thats might not be so bad. Perraps ye should be takin' them ones off t' a nicer island where they don't 'ave t' be puttin' up with all the bilge-rats. (If ye be feelin' especially kind, ye could be providin' a beer volcano on that thar new island...Hallelujarrr!)

RAmen

[DaveL]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Oim afraid that ey've lost me peg leg somewhere, and the tavern girl I was with stole it in me slumber.

As ey've lost it I can't walk anywhere to look for it. This also meant ey missed boardin me ship and ey'm stuck in this here crappy port, with no way back to me ship.

Ey'm not sure if me Pirate Travel Insurance will cover it.

Can ye help me?

[teripie]

Ey'm not sure if me Pirate Travel Insurance will cover it.
Can ye help me?

Has ye got Medicarrrre? Or maybe Blue Double-Crrrross? They should cover it with a wee deductible of about half all yer treasure.

[fusiontortellini]

Alternatively, Starrrt Hoppin' Yer shipmates'll carve ye a new one. If'n ye can find them. Thus the hoppin'

[teripie]

Alternatively, Starrrt Hoppin' Yer shipmates'll carve ye a new one. If'n ye can find them. Thus the hoppin'

And if ye gets tired ah all that hoppin' ye can always start hopin' they'll carrrve ye another one.

[beagle]

(If ye be feelin' especially kind, ye could be providin' a beer volcano on that thar new island...Hallelujarrr!)

Spose I could's just dump 'em all on Ibiza. Or Elba.

[Swashbuckler Saucy]

Dear Auntie,

My pirating outfit 'as bin dry e'er since the 'urricane season started. Now me first mate is threatening mutiny if'n 'e don't get to rape, pillage, or kidnap. What would be the most humane way to kill 'im that will keep the crew afeared of me wrath?

Signed,
Slightly Agitated

[beagle]

Dear Auntie,

My pirating outfit 'as bin dry e'er since the 'urricane season started. Now me first mate is threatening mutiny if'n 'e don't get to rape, pillage, or kidnap. What would be the most humane way to kill 'im that will keep the crew afeared of me wrath?

Signed,
Slightly Agitated

Dear Slightly,

I doesn't really do humane. Oi suggests you bleed him to death slowly. What yer do is suggest that 'ed do better taking up one of the the lucrative franchises you has on offer. Yers charge him a fortune in startup capital costs, make him hand over half any treasure he robs, then put im on a trade route miles from anywhere where he won't be affecting yer own business. The rests of yer crew will buckle down to pirating under you at minimum wage all the more merrily when they sees the xample yer made of 'im.

Alternatively yer could go for the traditional climactic big cutlass fight, endin in one of yers pitchin into the sea. Before goin fer that option yer needs to have read the script real careful, and made sure yers the hero, not the villain. If yers got a moustache, an English accent, or a manic laugh then this route be best avoided, and it's plank time fer yer mate.

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

Business 'as bin good lately, and now me ship is getting low in the water. Tis time for me to bury some o' me treasure.

Trouble is, none o' me crew wants to help me bury it, as they think I'll slaughter the landing party to keep the location a secret. This be a bit unfair, as I've only done this a couple o' times in the past.

How can I be regaining me crew's trust?

[DaveL]

Dear Black Spot,

Ey'd be tryin to gain their trust with a few trinkets from yer treasure chest.
Probably not womans jewelry though.

Also make sure when you land that they be 5/4 smashed on me most wicked rum supply...the one with toenails in it!

They may be up for a bit of diggin', but they'll be pukin' their tummies up the next mornin'. Won't remember a darn thing.

Ey'll send a few bottles to yer on the back of me carrier parrots.

[beagle]

Oi thinks yer might be overdoing the consultative management style a little Black Spot. If yer invites them to join you on the expedition whilst nonchallantly polishing yer Gatling gun, they's might be more inclined to venture out with yers, out of politeness and so as not to hurt yers feelings.

[The Black Spot]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

I's been taking notes on all the advice which ye's bin givin' out, and put all yer suggestions into practice.

Anyways; I's just put down a mutiny, and had to feed half me crew to the sharks. Me remaining crew's been swabbing the guts from the deck, and be grumbling that they be short handed. Where's a good place to find a hardy band of cutthroats to assist me in me business ventures?

[beagle]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

I's been taking notes on all the advice which ye's bin givin' out, and put all yer suggestions into practice.

Anyways; I's just put down a mutiny, and had to feed half me crew to the sharks. Me remaining crew's been swabbing the guts from the deck, and be grumbling that they be short handed. Where's a good place to find a hardy band of cutthroats to assist me in me business ventures?

Oi's did a quick straw poll of where me crew came from:

People seein me advert in The Guardian (mainly ex social workers).
Disaffected Estate Agents (Realtors).
People passed over for commodore at their local yacht club.
Politicians whose crimes are so bad they can't even be made EU commissioners.
Disaffected chartered accountants.
Ex Blue Peter presenters.
Girl guide pack leaders.
Car clampers wantin less danger.
Timeshare Salesmen.

plus the usual axemen, psychos and loonies picked up through job agencies.

[fusiontortellini]

Hmm. I got me a few mad teachers (ever taught? then you know) and a disaffected fireworks filler named Jake. He be handy. Well, not anymore, but he wields 'is hooks real well. (Got special ones for the ladies. Boy, oh, boy -- gotta keep the batteries well stocked, though.)

[beagle]

Oi were wonderin why he always got served first at the bar of the Old Sea Dog.