Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

[DaveL]

TRUCE DECLARED IN BLOBBY WAR-PART 1

Portsmouth breathed a sigh of relief this morning following a declared truce between Black Bart and DaveL, regarding hideous childrens TV characters. All out war erupted on the docks of Portsmouth after Bart produced a photo of Mr Blobby with a mullet.

DaveL's crew declared war and immediately produced Humphrey B. Bear in response. Bart countered with a bad picture of Bagpuss, which resulted in all out carnage.

Following a continuation of bad photos and hideous TV characters - and in some cases hideous TV characters with mullets - Portsmouth has finally been made tasteful again.

In speaking to the Portsmouth Guardian DaveL stated 'Argghhh, Portsmouth has suffered long and hard. For the sake of good taste, both parties have agreed to return Portsmouth to normal.'

However, both DaveL and Black Bart refused to elaborate on the definition of what 'Normal' for Portsmouth actually is. Blobby War Part 2 may erupt again at any moment.

[black bart]

PEACE OFF SAIS BLACK BART

The hideous TV character war dragged on as Black Bart posted a picture of a Green Monstrosity in response to Dave L's Pirate Duck character. This is an act of escalation said Dave L as he staggered into The Admiral Benbow calling for strong grog and looking green in the face!

[anthrobabe]

TERROR IN THE STREETS


The TV Character War took a terrible turn last evening with the apperance of the entire cast of Muppet Treasure Island who steamed into port at sunset.
No photos of the ensuing mayhem have surfaced yet- but it has been reported by one of Portsmouths leading citizens that Miss Piggy has stationed herself in front of the Admiral Benbow and refuses to leave until her beloved Kermie comes out.
It is also reported- but unconfirmed- that Animal (the ships drummer) has stabbed over 43 persons and is currently climbing to the top of the lighthouse with wicked intentions of making naughty shadow shapes over the town.

stay tuned as this terrible event continues to unfold.

This Just In!
Mr. Blobby was reached by one of our intrepid reporters and had this to say;
"Why can't we all just get along."

[walktheplank]

TERROR IN THE STREETS[/size]
This Just In!
Mr. Blobby was reached by one of our intrepid reporters and had this to say;
"Why can't we all just get along."

Further to this breaking news, our reporter came across the following desperate characters who were last seen leaving the Admiral Benbow in an inebriated state. These four men who go by the names of Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La La and Po are urgently being sought by local Police over alleged Criminal Damage to a vacuum cleaner in the Admiral Benbow which goes by the name of Nu Nu.

Uncorfimed reports suggest that one of these characters is purple in colour and has a TV ariel sticking out of his head, though perhaps that is streching credibility to far.

[tanguerra]

Ransom note found



Noted celebrity and international superstar, Miss Piggy, is believed to be being held to ransom aboard an unnamed pirate vessel somewhere in the vicinity of Portsmouth dry dock after having disappeared from public view several days ago. A hastily scrawled (and very badly spelled) ransom note was found this morning nailed to the door of the Admiral Benbow, a notorious tavern in Portsmouth, known to be frequented by cutthroats and scoundrels of the worst order.

Local law enforcement officer Constable Timmins, said he was working on several leads in the case, but it was too soon to expect any major breakthroughs. "The note, demanding 2000 silver dubloons and a lifetime supply of hard tack was signed only with the initials 'TK'. We have started going through the telephone book questioning all local residents with these initials, but so far have drawn a blank" he said.

Miss Piggy's constant companion, Kermit the Frog, has been sedated and is in seclusion in his hotel suite. Mayor Liversausage was apopleptic when he was told the news. "These sorts of goings on are exactly what is destroying the tourist trade in Portsmouth!" he thundered. "If international celebrities are willing to grace us with their presence we should be throwing out the welcome mat and the red carpet, not threatening to cut them into little pieces!"

Concerned citizens with any useful information in the case are being asked to present themselves at the Portsmouth police station with suitable identification.

[anthrobabe]

More Mayhem

It seems that in addition to the puppet war and Miss Piggy's kidnapping we here in Portsmouth now have a debacle occuring over at the television station.

It seems that in things have broken down into what can only be termed- mayhem- during the latest taping of Pirgellas latest attempt at stardom- Last Pirate standing or something or other.

Anyway it seems that the censors have rushed to the scene and have attempted to bodily remove at least one of the contestants- unfortunately said censors called anthrobabe aka Saucy Gert "missy" and the rescue units are on the way.

One bright note-- that really hairy guy has climbed down from the lighthouse and has stopped making naughty shadow figures on the white-washed side of the Methodist church.

We will be back with captain Tanguerra's coverage of the kidnapping of Miss Piggy in our afternoon addition.

We hope to have some photos from the television station as well- we've heard there is bodice-ripping going on and we are on the way.

[tanguerra]

Miss Piggy found

After being missing, presumed kidnapped, for the past week international superstar Miss Piggy was today reunited with her distraught lifetime companion, Kermit the Frog.

She was found in the early hours of this morning bound and gagged in a back alley behind the infamous Admiral Benbow Tavern. She was too distressed to speak to reporters before being whisked to her hotel suite by her minders this morning. Later this afternoon a spokesperson has informed this reporter that apparently Miss Piggy is somewhat bruised but otherwise unhurt. Apparently her unknown kidnappers grew frustrated with her constant complaints about her accomodation and demands for luxury items to be delivered to her place of incarceration.

Mayor Liversausage was quoted as saying he was overjoyed at the successful conclusion of the drama. "This will really put Portsmouth on the map!" he said "I expect a tourism explosion"

Constable Timmins said he was still following up several leads in the case and that a breakthrough could be expected "any time now". Miss Piggy has so far only been able to provide information that she was blindfolded during her ordeal and kept in a 'dark damp place'. She has not been able to give the police any more information as to the identity of her attackers, except to say that she was brought her meals (fish head stew and hard tack) by someone who spoke only in an unidentifiable and garbled language.

[The Black Spot]

FREAK ACCIDENT IN PORTSMOUTH TOWN CENTER

A man perished in tragic circumstances this afternoon.

A street party was being held in Portsmouth town center, and approximately 5000 people were in attendance. A thunderstorm started, and a single bolt of lightning struck Mr Jubbly in the chest killing him instantly. No-one else was hurt.

Apparently, the lightning was attracted by a fish head shaped lucky charm that the deceased was wearing around his neck.

[walktheplank]

MAN EJECTED FROM THE ADMIRAL BENBOW

In the first instance of its kind a man was ejected from the Admiral Benbow after flouting its newly introduced dress and behaviour code.

A spokeman for the pub said that the gentlemen concerned entered the pub wearing a tatty vest, was unshaven and spoke to staff in a surly abrasive manner.

After his ejection the man who goes by the name Homer Simpson was observed unsuccesfully trying to enter other hostelries in the city centre.

[black bart]

New Chef takes over at the Admiral Benbow

After sacking his short order cook for serving Fish Head Stew without any croutons, landlord of the Admiral Benbow Mr Tom (Marvellous) Dillon has employed a continental meatball specialist in the hope of wooing back the punters. Mr Dillon said: "Marvellous".

[anthrobabe]

Rumors of a Food Fight abound

No one here sure where the supposed food fight is being 'held'.

Some reports say it is happening in a so called hall of vow of silence somewhere along the western coast of the United States colonies.

but ye olde intrepid reporter vows to stay on the case until the mystery is solved!

Also this just in
Chow Mein has developed pi-turettes syndrome--- so far it has only manifested its self as the continued and frenzied yelping of YARGH! but the situation could intensify as the electoral process in the United States colonies intensifies.
When reached for comment his captain -- DaveL had only this to say, "well I hopes they starts the mud wrasslin over there in the colonies soon- otherwise I don't give a rats arese who'e they elects as president."

[black bart]

Creeping Wig Terror hits Portsmouth



This blurred image sent in by a terrified member of the public shows one of Waltheplank's wigs eating a woman alive. The wig is said to have escaped from a secret laboratory and has 'taken on a life of it's own!'

The terrifying creature is eating anything that gets in it's way and is believed to be living in Portsmouth's sewers. The police have issued a statement warning members of the public to keep off the streets at night until some method can be devised to neutralize the beast.

Dark Avenger...Portsmouth needs you now!

[walktheplank]

COUNTERFEIT CURRENCY RECOVERED IN PORTSMOUTH

Police are investigating a report from The Owner of The Admiral Benbow Tavern who was given a forged banknote as payment for grog and a pie.

"If I was there, I would have spotted the illegal 10 Cronan bill immediately" wailed The Landlord "but my young assistant who is new didn't recognise the customer for the rat infested slimebag that he is"

When pressed for the name of the forger, The Landlord refused to comment though continued to moan about tight fisted Welshmen and foul tasting stew.

[black bart]

Dark Avenger meets Nemesis?



Creeping Terror 1, Portsmouth 0

Is this the end for The Dark Avenger? Portsmouth's valiant defender went down fighting as the ferocious wig appeared to consume our hero in front of terrified spectators at Portsmouth Docks. The Crimson Skidmark was no where to be seen, we can only pray that he too hasn't fallen victim to the man eating hair piece!

[walktheplank]

WENCHES ARRESTED ON HEN NIGHT

A gaggle of wenches were arrested after attending a riotious hen night in Portsmouth on Friday night. Led by the bride to be Pirgella (who is due to walk down the aisle with Dave L next weekend) and including Saucy Gert, Big Brenda and the Apron Scrubber they engaged in a number of disgusting activities.

In scenes reminiscent of any English town on a Friday night the wenches got drunk, fell over, vomited in public places and engaged in lewd behaviour with any passer by that had the misfortune to got to close to them. Things came to a head when a brave policeman tried to arrest them, whereupon Big Brenda promptly sat on his head rendering him unconscious, though that was the least of his worries as he will smell of soiled knickers for at least a week.

Eventually the wenches were taken into Portsmouth Police station where they were released without charge (after The Black Spot threated to cut off the Chief Constable privates) and sent back to their ships to sober up.

Dave L when asked for his reaction to the nights events expressed surprise not least as he was unaware that he was getting married. "I must av agreed to it when oi was pissed loike" was his comment.