The tale of the Seven Pirates - Part two
That night the Pirates held a council of war. The elders insisted on the Pirates gathering at the end of the beach, because the smell was spoiling the tourist industry! The rum flowed.
â€œArrrrrâ€, said The Black Spot â€œI votes we grab the wenches, steal the treasure and bugger off, all in favour, say ayeâ€. â€œNon, non, nonâ€, says Captain Lafitte, â€œWe are onourable men, and besides, they ave not got any treasure, we must defeat Don Juan and then steal â€˜hisâ€™ treasure.â€ â€œLook you, Iâ€™ve seen it all beforeâ€â€™ said Black Bart, â€œIf we fire a few shots and shout a bit, the villagers will be inspired and they will do all the fighting for us.â€ â€œAll agreed then cobbersâ€™â€ said Capâ€™n Oz, â€œAnyone fer a game o cricket on the beach?â€ â€œIâ€™ll toss for 1st inningsâ€, said Knuckles Oâ€™Shuffle.
The morning of Don Juanâ€™s attack dawned and the village elders strode out to check that the Pirate Warriors were ready. They were all lying face down on the beach in a drunken stupor! The chief village elder sighed â€œI knew this would happen, fetch the special Voodoo potion and put it in their Captainâ€™s Delight bottle...Bwa ha Ha Ha...it will turn them into fiends!
The skies darkened above the village, a storm was brewing on the sea, and at that moment Don Juan and his cutthroats arrived. â€œWhere is my monee you snivelling pig dog sons of a whore?â€ The terrified villagers fled into the hills leaving only the village elders to face Don Juanâ€™s men. The chief elder spoke in a stuttering and trembling voice, â€œDon Juan, if you value your mensâ€™ lives, do not come ashore...look there on the beach, we are plagued by Zombie Pirates!â€
Don Juan followed the Chiefs pointing hand and gasped in horror. Stumbling towards him, their peg legs thumping unsteadily on the sand were seven dreadful apparitions. Their hideous contorted faces were bright green, their reeking clothes covered in vomit and fish stew. Walktheplankâ€™s wig had fallen down over his eyes giving him the appearance of a seaweed covered fiend from the deep. The Black Spot was drinking a putrid brown liquid from his blunderbuss and shouting â€œYarrrrd o Ale!â€ Captainâ€™s Dave (resplendent in a bright pink dress) and Oz were comin toward Don Juan in a zig zag route, brandishing their cricket bats and shouting â€œThe batsmanâ€™s Holding, the bowlerâ€™s Willy, Harr, Harr, harr...â€ Capâ€™n Chow Mein was crawling along the sand like some demented fiend Lobster shouting â€œIâ€™m from the Raging Queen and gonna get yaâ€. Capâ€™n Lafitte had turned a livid green with a pair of Frogâ€™s Legs sticking out of his mouth, and Black Bart had launched into his worst ever rendition of â€˜My Pirgellaâ€™.
The petrified Spaniard staggered back in a futile attempt to escape the drunken Zombie pirates. With a scream he collapsed under the onslaught and they ripped off his head and ate his brains! The Zombie Pirates made short work of Don Juanâ€™s crew and then turned back toward the village in a terrifying Green Tide of Death. As the Pirates approached, the Chief of the Elders sprinkled them with a magic powder which stopped them in their tracks. In a deep booming voice the chief commanded â€œYou are the servants of Qualopec, Great God Under the Mountain, return now from whence ye came, er...where the hell did they come from, oh yes, go back to Portsmouth, I command ye Oh Magnificent ones, ye will forget all that has taken place here and you will never return...Begone!â€
Four weeks later in the Admiral Benbow, Portsmouth, when the effects of the Zombie drug had finally worn off, the Magnificent Seven Pirates were sitting around a table, drinking and still ever so slightly green. â€œSoâ€, said Black Bart, â€œNone of that stuff actually happened at all?â€ â€œNon,â€ said Captain Lafitte â€œeet was all just a strange dream, an ve ave no idea ver ve got all zis treasure from.â€ â€œMy wig still smells of sickâ€, said Captain Walktheplank, â€œMy Blunderbuss donâ€™t work no moreâ€, said The Black Spot, â€œAshes to ashes, Bwa ha ha haâ€ said Oz Nick and Dave L...
â€œOh wellâ€â€™ said Captain Chow Mein, â€œbarman, weâ€™ll have another seven â€˜Brain Curriesâ€™...and make em nice nâ€™hot!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.