Dear Auntie Blackbeard... Yer piratical problems solved here

[beagle]

D'ye want t' change the title o' the thread now that it be a sticky 'un? Ye should be able t' edit the title o' ye're original message... Oi reckons "Dear Aunty [whatever ye decide 'er name is]" would be good.

It be done, in accordance with his Noodly will, and within the limitations of the forum system for which we are truly grateful, Ramen.

P.S. I be spelling Aunty the Auntie Dee Dee way (I be afeared to do otherwise and she be a fine woman)

[aquazoo]

Dear Carol,

It be a common enough worry for young pirates such as yeself. But fret ye not! Follow this 'ere portal through the dimensions and ye shall be seeing the thoughts o' others on this matter.

Oi don't be sure about FSM followers in Arkham, though...

Thank you kindly for the response. I thought this might be the case, and now know where to enjoy the discussion!

-Carol

[DaveL]

Argghhh....

Yippeeeee!!! We've been stickied! Great work Amenable - I didnt think of the Norwegian Blue when I got me Argghhhh stickied...

Ask Auntie Beagle, Ask Auntie Dave, Ask Auntie Amenable and Ask Auntie Auntie YARRRR!!

Time for some rum...quick get me me tankard quick!

[teripie]

Dear Auntie Blackbread,
I tends to constantly slip up and speak of the mighty Flying Spaghetti Monster as the Flying Pasta Monster. Cud this be why them hurricanes still formin' so near to me port? Do ye think I 'ave offended?

Signed,
Former Employee of The Pasta Peddler Resturant

[DaveL]

Dear Teripi,

That be a common mistake, but nuthin to be worried about. What is causin those hurricanes is most likely related to increased sea surface temperatures, caused by a lack people like you and me, of course. Yarrr.

The Great One, ey' believe would not be offended by yer usage, so fear not matey.

If yer fancy goin sailin in one of those hurricanes let me know, for ey'd like to try me new riggin' out. Ey'd like to see how fast me ship can go in one of those whirly whirlys.

YARRR!!!!

Regards,

Aunty Dave

[beagle]

Dear Auntie Blackbeard,

I's becoming a bit afeared me wench might be seein another pirate. She keeps slippin out in the longboat at two in the morning for "coffee with the girls", and the other day I's found a strange eyepatch in ours hammock.
I would's be sending her down the plank, but me parrot's fond of her, and her old man be owning a Greek shippin line, and I needs the tonnage.

Should's I be confronting her abouts it, and if so be the case, how much torture should's be bein used to get the truth?

[DaveL]

Yarrrr matey,

Ey be feelin for your anxiety there me lad. Ey'd send yer parrot down to the coffee house for a bit of reconoitre to see what be goin on there. If she be seein someone else, yer hysterical parrot should give yer all the clues yer need.

Ey'd also check that she be not havin' coffee wth that Vera McGlynn, the most ugly tavern wench on all the docks. For she has a wicked missing teeth smile and eye patch. Check to see that Vera didn't leave her eyepatch at your house followin' too much rum. She often does it yer know.

The thought of seein' Vera without her eyepatch is makin me shudder. YARRR!!!!!

If she is seein someone, check to see if you can get half her dubloons first. Because nuthin beats havin' a rich daddy in-law.

You can always rely on the lads for a song and grog to cheer yer if it be true.

Kinds Regards,

Auntie Dave

[DaveL]

Dear Auntie,

Ey be havin trouble with me benefactor. For he has threatened to tighten the financial screws of me piratin' operations.

He has threatened to cut off me dubloon supply if me and the lads don't stop drinkin and wenchin.

Should me and the lads cut ties with this aristocrat? For he be a bit too puritan and fundy for our likin'. Can you recommend a place where we can reap large amounts of treasure?

[beagle]

She'll come doggy-paddling back. She knows I loves her terribly, she's said as much 'erself.

Oi'll have to look out our pre-wenching agreement to see who gets the treasure an all; as long as I still have access to me parrot it'll be alright.

It nevers crossed me mind that she might be a-seeing another wench, but she's keen on that there womens tennis, which might have tipped me off.
Does yer think they'd let me watch from the wardrobe if I's quiet?

[beagle]

Dear Auntie,

Ey be havin trouble with me benefactor. For he has threatened to tighten the financial screws of me piratin' operations.

He has threatened to cut off me dubloon supply if me and the lads don't stop drinkin and wenchin.

Should me and the lads cut ties with this aristocrat? For he be a bit too puritan and fundy for our likin'.

This be the trouble with Sugar Daddy aristos, they thinks they's own you. What yer has to do me lad, is to to keep takin the dosh, an slip out every now an then to catch up on the drinkin and wenchin. Tell's him you're off to Sunday School or some such. If stories gets back to him off how you've been skippin the gospelin then says as how you're shocked he don't trust you. He'll end up buying yer a new chest of treasure by way of apology if yers does it right.

Can you recommend a place where we can reap large amounts of treasure?

Downloadable shanties fer mobile semaphore units be a winner, and piratechat, where yers can signal to other pirates jest like you for 5 doubloons a minute. Yer should probably listen to the ones I run fer an hour or so, then ye'll be knowing how to do it.

[amenabletopasta]

I think i'd just read that Sticky request when we had a heavy run o' the Nasty Trollies, and they be hard to catch and keelhaul, ye know. Oi had to end up with assistin' them off the plank, though.

Avast! They always turns up when Oi be a-beds. Oi's be itchin' t' get me cutlass out...

P.S. Did ye be aware o' the British slang word Trollies/Trolleys?

trolleys Noun. Underwear, specifically knickers and underpants. [1950s]

[beagle]

Dear Auntie,

I has a friend who once met somone in a tavern, who wondered what the normal size for a parrot was. This acquaintance of a friend was jest wonderin if he were a little underendowed in the parrot department. Apparently he be a little embarassed about it, and avoids situations where 'is parrot would be on show. He measures 'is parrot twice a day (three times at weekends) but it seems to have stopped growin.
He were also wonderin if it's possible to stretch a parrot.

[beagle]

Tell your friend it's not the size of the parrot, it's the trainin'.

Thankee Auntie, that puts my friend's acquaintance's mind at rest.

[black bart]

All this parrot business be all very well (me own parrot fell off ages ago)..but I be still awaiting an answere to me friends problem concerning his rather pretty cabin boy!!!!!

[beagle]

He could's try attaching weights. Don't think it ever works, but it'll be a talking point with his new friends.

Yarrr.