FSM Hell?

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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Postby slingblade on Sun Aug 21, 2005 12:19 pm

True Believers KNOW what fate awaits the heathen:

Al Dente's Inferno! Behold, a portion of the ancient scriptures found in very tiny print on the back of the labels of all pasta sauce bottles:

"All Pastafarians must not forget that FSM has a nemesis: the dreaded Antipasto. Behold, at the end of days, just before the serving of the Holy Tiramisu, all will be forced to take the Mark of the Breast (the sign of which shall be a third nipple, placed prominently on the forehead or the back of the hand) and without this mark, there will be no buying of parmesan cheese, nor distributing of crushed-red-pepper shakers. Lo, some will even consent to make their meatballs from ground turkey, and shall defile the holy Italian sausage by combining it with tofu and Kolaloka lemonade.

And there shall be a great battle in the Valley of Semolina, in which many hundreds of thousands shall be slain with garlic-breath, and lo, the Ragu shall flow in the streets, even up to the fenders of Audis, and walking shall be slick but tasty. Paul Newman shall be reborn and restored unto you, and he shall cry out "Marinara! Marinara!" and shall do wonders with a little tomato paste and basil.

Renounce the Antipasto! Abjure thou the noodles made from spinach and the decorative bow-tie pastas which seem festive, but lead thee into Al Dente's Inferno!"

RAmen!
Touched by His Noodly Appendage
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Beware Al Dente's Inferno!
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Postby gingermagic on Sun Aug 21, 2005 4:02 pm

all hail his meatyness, and praise the knowledge of archbishop slingblade!

so says high priest gingermagic
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Postby Cerberus on Sun Aug 21, 2005 9:14 pm

Woah woah! Archbishop? I think not. Maybe theology scholar. Prophet. But not archbishop. We can't just bestow titles like that willy nilly or they mean nothing.
Religious war at its very simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

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Postby Omnieiunium on Sun Aug 21, 2005 10:29 pm

Cerberus wrote:Woah woah! Archbishop? I think not. Maybe theology scholar. Prophet. But not archbishop. We can't just bestow titles like that willy nilly or they mean nothing.


Yes, I agree. If we let that happen, then everyone could claim such titles. Eventually they would lose their meaning.
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Postby Cerberus on Sun Aug 21, 2005 10:54 pm

At the rate at which people are claiming those titles i'd say they've allready lost all meaning. Also all the titles so far claimed have been christian, except for Capellini (high priestess). I think we need new titles, that are FSM specific and that they are allocated accordingly, not just taken.
Religious war at its very simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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Postby slingblade on Mon Aug 22, 2005 12:17 am

My children, the wise ones, Cerberus of multiple heads, and Omnieiunium of many consecutive vowels, have spoken truly. Honored as I am by thy lofty praise, I am but a vessel, a humble servant of the High Flying One.

I may, perhaps, be a Vestigial Virgin.....except for the virgin part.....but I'm definitely vestigial.

Are there no High Rigatonis? No Archraviolis? What of the Sagne Incannulate, who tend the sacrifices, the Fusilli Lunghi who wait upon the places of worship, lo, even unto the Olive Garden, or the Acini di pepe, the little ones who sing so sweetly to the faithful?

Seek these, my children, and in them, know the fine, granular texture of His Meatballs.

RAmen, RAmen, pasta without end, RAmen.
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Beware Al Dente's Inferno!
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ADD, but I wasn't really paying attention.....
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Postby Cerberus on Mon Aug 22, 2005 12:20 am

I think you should DEFINATELY be involved in writing the scriptures. You seem to have quite a strong grasp of the FSM faith.

RAmen Slingblade, May the Garlic and Tomatoes be Fresh in your Sauce, and Your Noodles be Cooked to Perfection.
Religious war at its very simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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Postby slingblade on Mon Aug 22, 2005 12:39 am

Ah, bless you my child. But, thou knowest, the sacred scriptures cannot be written, but must be received through His Noodly Appendages being inserted into the ears, and the words transcribed by those who have heard them truly.

Behold! For I am the Oracle at Delmonico's, and here be my faithful handmaidens, Anne Bonney, Mary Reade, Charlotte de Berry, and a parrot. (well, he asked nicely, and does a fine tenor rendition of the high holy hymn, Blow the Man Down.)

I am receiving sacred prophecy from the Oracle....something about pirates, golf, and how often they make paaarrrrrrrrr...but the fumes have o'ertaken me and I find myself in a holy fervor of ecstasy. The kind with the little shamrocks on them, I think.

RAmen, the Oracle hath spoken. Play the front nine only, lest ye bogey.
Touched by His Noodly Appendage
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Beware Al Dente's Inferno!
-----
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ADD, but I wasn't really paying attention.....
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Postby Cerberus on Mon Aug 22, 2005 12:43 am

Ah golf playing Pirates, there is no sweeter site, except of course for the Stripper Factory and Beer Volcano. And FSM Himself, but after those its up there.
Religious war at its very simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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Postby Cerberus on Mon Aug 22, 2005 12:52 am

Its seems like every time i log on we of the Faith have a new enemy. First there was The Alfredo, Then Spam, then atkins (still kicking around), then the flaming rice ball, and now SATAY? Why can't we all just get along? or at least all gang up on someone like SPAM.
Religious war at its very simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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Postby slingblade on Mon Aug 22, 2005 1:02 am

Ah, but Cerberus, these are but the imps and minions of the unholy Antipasto! Truly, they are Legion, and not only that, but there are a lot of them, too.
Touched by His Noodly Appendage
-----
Beware Al Dente's Inferno!
-----
I think I used to suffer from
ADD, but I wasn't really paying attention.....
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Postby Cerberus on Mon Aug 22, 2005 1:09 am

Its all clear to me now. They are sent to test our faith, unbelievers that they are and must be cut from this mortal coil and cast out of the minds of those pitiful wretches whom have been corrupted.

Our own pasta-cism will have to be enacted against these defilers of faith.
Religious war at its very simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Light a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
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Postby onlainari on Sat Aug 27, 2005 1:46 am

Why do you copy christianity so much?

There is no Hell. All go to the stripper factory and beer volcanoe.
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Postby gnoodles on Sat Aug 27, 2005 2:16 am

onlainari wrote:There is no Hell. All go to the stripper factory and beer volcanoe.


Ahh, but that's not necessarily the case. Most of us do go to heaven, and get to partake of the benefits of the stripper factory & beer volcano. But there is a place reserved for a few-- but only a few, and only those with the least flimsy of moral values. It's known as Al Dente's Inferno, and trust me, you don't want to spend an eternity there. The only way to be certain of where you're going is to make certain you've been touched by His Noodly Appendage. Be sure to wear at least occasional pirate regalia, and make sure your morals are at least reasonably flimsy. If you do all these things, you can rest easy, for you will be assured of your table at the stripper factory.
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