AJUDICATED APOCRYPHA

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AJUDICATED APOCRYPHA

Postby Solipsy on Mon Oct 17, 2005 10:43 pm

The Wise Council of Olive Garden has adjudicated the first of what will be held as Official Apocrypha.

The Wise Council of Olive Garden wishes it to be known that the following works are Apocryphal. They have been included herein to illustrate to the True Believers among the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster what sorts of work will not be included in the official Loose Canon of the Church.

I can't believe I got away with it! I actually convinced them to let me post this stuff!!! It's hilarious! "Educational," I said... "People will learn from it," I told them... s/s

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Apocrypha
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The Wichitonian Prophecy of David, Book I
a revelation
Apocryphal

The Wise Council of Olive Garden has adjudicated the following text as apocryphal on the following grounds:
1. It is grievously outside official church dogma.
2. It is clearly the product of a head injury.

The Council feels it has significant historical importance, however, for the following reasons:
1. It praises the Prophet Bobby’s web-site.
2. It is the first known occurrence of the important Pastafarian invocation “Praise Cheesesâ€￾.
3. It’s funny.

1Bobby,

Great site! 2I immediately wanted to get out the dried pastas & crafts crap to build my own little house of worship to Him. 3But, as I reached in the upper cabinet for the elbow macaroni, I was struck in the head by a falling jar of Ragu. 4When I came to, I knew I had a purpose to fulfill: 5I was to use my pasta-given talents to provide you with an image I'd like to call "The First Supper."

6I envision a long table with Him seated amidst his 12 Apastles; 7several of which look much like the Pillsbury Dough Boy & Cap'n Crunch. 8If my vision is correct, I also believe I can see the midget. 9It looks as though he may be serving the group.....10wait a minute....yes...I see him more clearly now...........11he's wearing a green velvet hat & suit....12and passing out bowls of brightly colored stars, moons, and clovers.

13Seriously, as I write I've just began collecting the imagery needed to create such for further promotion of Him.

14Praise Cheeses.

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The First Book of Casey
an alternate accounting of Law
Apocryphal

The Wise Council of Olive Garden wishes it to be known among all True Believers that there are many and sundry problems with the following text. While it is possible that Casey was visited by The Flying Spaghetti Monster, Blessed Be His Protein-Based Orbs, clearly Casey was not a good listener, and did not transcribe his alphabet soup accurately.

The following concepts and verses disqualify this Book from consideration in the official Loose Canon:
1. Casey 1:18 No ancient texts corroborate that the FSM smokes
2. Casey 1:20 The FSM makes no equivocations.
3. Casey 1:22 a. The FSM makes Not Commandments, Suggestions. b. Parenthetical phrases are untranslatable due to deterioration of source texts. c. FSM does not slap for non-belief.
4. Casey 1:23-61 This set of Suggestions weaves in and out of Canon. True Believers should consult Canonical texts to determine which are which.
5. Casey 1: 62-65 The FSM does encourage the use of cost-saving coupons. Reference other canonical Law and Suggestion 4.
6. Casey 1:73 If this means what the Council THINKS it means, Casey may find himself entering HellLight. While we have Flimsy Moral Standards and do not judge, MAKING anyone do anything violates them.

The Council feels it has significant historical importance, however, for the following reasons:
1. It praises the Prophet Bobby.
2. The concept of orange macaroni-and-cheese as decoration is particularly appealing.
3. It is, excepting verse Casey 1:73, funny.



1I must admit that when I first heard of our savior, The Flying Spaghetti Monster, 2I was typically skeptical as I had been of all theologies. 3But, something about the accounts I had been told of just seemed to stick in my mind. 4You could say the persisting thoughts were al dente.
5I have always considered myself to be a realist, a pragmatist and sometimes, a freelance gynecologist. 6Therefore, I needed to see, feel, smell and sometimes taste things in order to fully believe in them and their power. 7Although there was no denying the existence of something inside me that strongly yearned to believe in TFSM, 8my own inability to accept TFSM purely on faith caused me to dismiss the notion due to lack of empirical evidence.
9I felt empty. 10My life continued on as it always had for hours 11until the first sign was revealed to me while I sat at the kitchen table 12eating alphabet soup. 13As I stirred the bowl of noodles to cool its temperature 14I was amazed to see an extremely short message appearing before me, 15as if floating above the tasty broth only for a moment before it was gone. 16Although it was brief it was unforgettable! 17I'll never forget its message. 18The brief and fleeting message read, in a deep and raspy voice that only years of tobacco smoking can produce:

19"I am The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I am the only true God 20in the spaghetti category that can fly. 21I am The Pasta Your Noodle, who brought you out of the land of lakes, out of the house of you parents. 22I reveal to you the 13 Commandments which all (none spaghetti) must closely follow or face the wet slapping wrath of My Noodly Appendages.
23You shall have no other foods before Me, 24unless it is bread of the complimentary nature and only on Tuesdays.
25You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth, 26unless it is macaroni art created before the 1st grade.
26You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the TFSM Your Noodle, am a Jealous Noodle, 27visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me with red sauce.28but showing loving-kindness to thousands, to those who love Me 29and keep My cooking time under 10 minutes.
30You shall not take the name of the TFSM your noodle in vain, for the noodle will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain.
31Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy and pastalicious. 32Six minutes you shall stir and add salt to taste, 33but the seventh day is a Sabbath of the TFSM Your Noodle; 34in it you shall not do any work, 35you or your son or your daughter, your male or your female servant or your cattle or your sojourner who stays with you. 36What's a sojourner? I've forgotten. What ever it is, 37you must now sacrifice one on isle 12 of your local supermarket in honor of Me. 38For in six days TFSM made the heavens and the earth, 39the sea and all that is in them, 40and rested on the seventh day because The Noodle was tired; 41therefore the TFSM blessed the Sabbath day and made it Al Dente.
42Honor your father and your mother only if they buy lots of pasta, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the TFSM your noodle gives you.
43You shall not overcook me.
44You shall not undercook me.
45You shall not steal unless it is boxes of pasta. 46You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor 47unless you are blaming him for stealing the boxes of pasta that you actually stole. 48Or, unless he is a sojourner. 49In that case, skip the witnessing part and go straight to the sacrifice. 50Remember... isle 12.
51You shall not covet your neighbor's pasta; 52you shall not covet your neighbor's wife's noodles 53or his male meat balls that are often acceptable forms of side dishes 54or his female servant's rigatoni 55or his manicotti or his donkey noodle or anything that belongs to your neighbor that you can't steal without him noticing.
56Most importantly, you must make an annual pilgrimage to the land known as "Kansas" which is old Sanskrit for "Dumbass". 57Along the pilgrimage route you must flog yourself with wet lasagna noodles no less than a few times. 58When you have reached the holy site where the Kansas School Board governs, you are to festoon it's inner chambers with copious amounts of macaroni and cheese. 59The cheap kind you can buy in bulk with the magical orange powder. 60I think that will yield a better effect. 61Make sure you mix it so it's nice and runny. 62You should probably go to Costco or Sams or some other bulk purchase store. 63You can save if you buy in bulk. I actually think I have some coupons I've been saving for Sams. Hmmmm... I can't seem to find them. 64They may be in my other suite. 65Actually, I have been hanging on to them for quite a while now and I wouldn't be surprised if they were out of date now. 66Anyways, make sure you festoon as ambitiously as possible 67so that they will need ladders to clean the walls. 68I am TFSM! I have spoken!"
69This was all the sign I needed for me to instantly and completely devote myself to TFSM. 70I am now his humble and willing servant. 71My life has changed 72and I am on a mission to change those around me. 73My girlfriend will soon convert as I have been making her bow down to the big noodle every night.
74We are now noodle brethren, you and I, 75and I expect to see you on the pilgrimage trail so that we may march on Kansas together 76and show all the world the power of the wet noodle! 77Kansas or bust!

78TFSM bless you Bobby Henderson. 79Warm Noodly regards, Casey
80Ps - Can I watch the transmitting of noodle seed at the Best Western? That would be sweet.
This space for rent,
Solipsy

"The Go-To Scribe for all Texts Canonical"
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