Lyrics predating Rastafarian anthem found

[Margaret the Pargret]

June, 2007: Greenland

In an unexpected turn of events, a shipwreck off the coast of Greenland has unearthed the existence of a proto-religion predating the current Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (CoFSM).

Archeologists from Greenland University have been studying the ship, now verified as the infamous "Medusa" captained by the beerthirsty pirate "Noodles Jim". According to their findings, lyrics to an 18th century sea shanty were discovered at the site and have proven unequivocally that the FSM deity was revered far earlier than had initially been thought.

Although considered a major triumph for the CoFSM, this new evidence has been an unmitigated disaster for the Rastafarians, who's anthem "Buffalo Soldier" is now shown to be a blatant plagiarism of the recently unearthed sea shanty.

Said Gerta Grunewald, Greenland University's senior pirate archaeologist: "Dere is no doubt dat de lyrics are real artifacts. Our carbon dating tests show de date of creation to be around de year 1745." Curiously, when asked to comment on these findings Rob Henderson, founder of the modern CoFSM, just chuckled.

A foundation for the possible motive of this plagiarism can be found by referencing the 1935 Italian invasion of Ethiopia. Emperor Haile Selassie I, considered to be the earthly symbol of god by the Rastafarians and who is revered as "Jah", was the current monarch of Ethiopia during the Italians' exceptionally brutal invasion. This has of course created an enmity between Rastafarians and the adherents to the CoFSM who are known as "Pastafarians." Although claiming no allegiance to Italy, the CoFSM is undoubtedly lead by a deity resembling one of the major exports of Italy.

Despite the plagiarism, Rastafarians may now have some evidence to support their opinion that the Pastafari are pro-Italian. The recently revealed sea shanty does in fact contain lyrics that link the proto FSM deity, referred to in the song as the "Mozzerella Soldier, Meatball Pasta," to Genoa, one of Italy's largest sea ports.

The Pastafarians have been quick to note that there is currently no other evidence proving the connection between Italy and the CoFSM. Said Sally Snap, a professor of FSM studies at the University of Greenland, "It would be difficult to believe dat Italy, a famously pro-Pope country, could ever be considered as de birthplace of such an anti-Pope religion!" However, Professor Snap did note that many Pastafarians are contemptuous of the belief that Haile Selassi I is a deity. Said Snap: "It is traditional in Ethiopia to call all of dere emperors 'Elect of God King of Kings of Ethiopia' and 'The Lion of the Tribe of Judah.'"

Many Ethiopians are also disturbed by the Rastafarian's deification of Haile Selassi I. Selassi's corrupt government has been considered by many Ethiopians to be a contributing factor in the death of over 200,000 people during Ethiopia's terrible Wollo Famine. When asked to provide a "man on the street" opinion, local Venice Beach inhabitant and self-proclaimed Rastafarian, Fred "Ganja" Smith said, "Dude, I have no idea who this Selassi guy is, but if he can get my landlord to stop reporting me for smoking weed, I will totally follow him. Jah man, PEACE!"

Clearly the debate between the Rastafari and the Pastafari will not be ending any time soon, even with the discovery of the revealing sea shanty. Fortunately, the University of Greenland has published the controversial lyrics, which have been reprinted here. These lyrics are no doubt the foundation for Bob Marley's plagiaristic "Buffalo Soldier," in which he changed less than 10% of the original material:

Mozzarella Soldier, Meatball Pasta:
There was a Mozzarella Soldier in the heart of America,
Stolen from Genoa, brought to America,
Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival.

I mean it, when I analyze the stench -
To me it makes a lot of sense:
How the Meatball Pasta was the Mozzarella Soldier,
And he was taken from Genoa, brought to America,
Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival.

Said he was a Mozzarella Soldier, Meatball Pasta: -
Mozzarella Soldier in the heart of America.

If you know your history,
Then you would know where you coming from,
Then you wouldn't have to ask me,
Who the heck do I think I am.

I'm just a Mozzarella Soldier in the heart of America,
Stolen from Genoa, brought to America,
Said he was fighting on arrival, fighting for survival;
Said he was a Mozzarella Soldier win the war for America.

Noodley, yo ho ho, yo ho ho,
Ay ay ay ay ay, ships ahoy!
Ay ay ay ay ay, ships ahoy,
Ay ay ay ay ay, ships ahoy!
Mozzarella Soldier sailin' through the sea, yo-ho-hoh!
Said he noodley, then you wannabe,
Sailin' through the sea, yea-hea, pasta.

Said he was a Mozzarella Soldier win the war for America;
Mozzarella Soldier, Meatball Pasta,
Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival;
Driven from the mainland to the heart of the Caribbean.

Singing, yo ho ho, yo ho ho,
Ay ay ay ay ay, ships ahoy!
Ay ay ay ay ay, ships ahoy,
Ay ay ay ay ay, ships ahoy!

Sailin' through San Juan in the arms of America;
Sailin' through Antarctica, a Mozzarella Soldier -
Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival:
Mozzarella Soldier, Meatball Pasta.

Yo ho ho, yo ho ho,
Ay ay ay ay ay, ships ahoy!
Ay ay ay ay ay, ships ahoy,
Ay ay ay ay ay, ships ahoy!

[Zankou 2.0]

Huh?


You parodied the Rastafarian Anthem, or something?

[Dan(da haole guy)]

Aloha, Margaret the Pargret..RAmen to alla dat..& Zankou 2.0, there may well be a Rastafarian Anthem..but nyabinghi drumming is, to my ears, a lot more anthemic than "Buffalo Soldier" (& there're no words to forget-bonus!)..

(pedantic aside: Greenland is "Kalaallit Nunaata" in the local language..so GU is probably UKN..or KNU (as in "the KNU 'Gnarly Gnus' won a haard-ffought haakeyy gaame laast niight..")

[Margaret the Pargret]

Dear Zankou 2.0,

Thanks very much for attributing those lyrics to me, however I'm afraid I'm not quite that talented. No, as my article reports, these lyrics were found at the site of a pirate shipwreck - proof that the FSM has been worshiped by pirates for over 100 years at least! However, I fear that the Rastafarians may be upset with my findings, and so I have gone into hiding until all the controversy blows over.

And thank you Dan, I was unaware that the University of Greenland was actually the KNU. Apparently the Gnarly Gnus still have secrets they keep from some outsiders!

[Dan(da haole guy)]

Aloha..Margaret the Pargret..yes, we may be pedantic twits but we're happy to help..(bu-wa-ha-ha)

[Margaret the Pargret]

That must be why I feel so at home...

[Dan(da haole guy)]

Aloha..& e komo mai (welcome..)..now, keep yo' feets off'n da furniture & no beeg messes inna kitchen, ya? (keedeeng..you can put yo' feets anywhere & da kitchen is beyond help fo' da messes already there!)