Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Indeed Bart, but Oi think the Easter Island statues be far more good looking .

[black bart]

ARRRRRR...ye don't know the half of it...we has to look at him at least once a week!

[The Black Spot]

LOCAL BUSINESSMAN BUILDS ARK

Concerned by the torrential rain and flooding sweeping the British Isles, local businessman Kevin Throttlepipe has funded the construction of a gigantic wooden vessel.

"Mark my words, a deluge is coming" said Mr Throttlepipe. "This is the first of many ships that will be built to save the animals from the waters. With ships like this, we can save the wonders of nature for many generations to come."

At the dockside, wellwishers whooped and cheered as the first ark, commanded by Captain Cronan, set sail with its cargo of dodos, sabre-toothed tigers and mammoths.

[black bart]

LOCAL BUSINESSMAN BUILDS ARK

Concerned by the torrential rain and flooding sweeping the British Isles, local businessman Kevin Throttlepipe has funded the construction of a gigantic wooden vessel.

"Mark my words, a deluge is coming" said Mr Throttlepipe. "This is the first of many ships that will be built to save the animals from the waters. With ships like this, we can save the wonders of nature for many generations to come."

At the dockside, wellwishers whooped and cheered as the first ark, commanded by Captain Cronan, set sail with its cargo of dodos, sabre-toothed tigers and mammoths.

I don't know why, but I sense a William McGonagle poem coming on here..."The Terrible Disaster of the ark of Throttlepipe."

[walktheplank]

YELLOW BALL IN SKY SCARES RESIDENTS

Mad panic ensued in Portsmouth today as citizens awoke to bright blue skies and a strange yellow ball in the sky. After 16 years of continuous rain, residents were scared when from nowhere and without warning a bright yellow light appeared in the morning sky.

Local weather reports admitted that the bright yellow ball which they named 'The Sun' was not due to appear until 2011 so it certainly was a surprise event.

For their future safety Residents have been advised to stay indoors until this strange object disappears.

[DaveL]

BOOTLEG STARWARS EPISODE TERRORISES PORTSMOUTH

Terror abounds in Portsmouth today over a bootleg copy of The Attack of the Clones, which has been circulating the Portsmouth Video stores. The bootleg copy which was believed to originate from Big Ron's Butcher store. The terrifying video features sounds, not made by a normal human being.

Portsmouth scifi nerd Gerard Phipps was devastated to see Jar Jar Binks 'Yessa Boss', replaced with a voice with sounding like Big Ron's rear end.

The movie is already doing the rounds on R-tube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKeUDT-1d7U

[walktheplank]

BIG RON SELLS UP

In a shock announcement today, Big Ron purveyor of fine meats to Portsmouth's more discerning clientele has announced that he is selling his Butcher's shop.

Our reporter was sent down there to find out why. Could this be another example of the big superstore who are able to undercut their smaller rivals. They take customers away from the small business with no regard to the old dears who will now have to travel miles to get their meat.

However, Ron was able to confirm that it is not the competion forcing him to close "No its me arse" he said "customers are fed up with me farting all the time and have decided to take their business elsewhere".

Our reporter did indeed confirm that the smell eminating from Ron's backside was very unpleasant and he made a hasty retreat back to our offices once the interview had finished.

[black bart]

BIG RON SMELLS UP

We apologise for the spell error in our last article which should of course read as above. As a result we will be giving Big Ron free advertising space, as long as he doesn't come in to write his ads in person!

[ChowMein]

Drunken Utterance Creates Mayhem !


As members of the Raging Queen were dragging their cook back but to the docks , the obviously befuddled crewman wilst gibbering and drooling did thus utter , " ye all a binch o gits..the midgits balls taint blue!...*snort..raaalph...heeek...accck....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Obviously the ravings of a lunatic , his assertions should be ignored as lapis luzi embedded on the balls suggest beyond debate the colour of the midgit balls on display at the Holey Temple . All within earshot were stunned into silence and stillness .

However a riot broke out anyways since it was approaching 10 bells .

[walktheplank]

PIRATE SHIP ON FOOTBALL PITCH!!

Portsmouth Football Club who are due to play their first home match of the new football season next week may have to postpone the match as there is a ship on the pitch.

Investigations into the owner of this aforementioned vessel have concluded that it is a Pirate Ship and belongs to that most celebrated buccaneer and piss poor navigator Black Bart.

Quite how a ship appeared inside the football ground remains a mystery particularly as the ground is 2 miles from the sea. Our reporter found Black Bart slumped in a corner of the Admiral Benbow sitting next to an empty case of Rum and clearly in no fit state to answer our questions.

Porsmouth FC have said that they will dismantle the ship if it is not moved by the weekend, this is unlikely as Black Bart will probably not sober up till a week on Wednesday.

[ChowMein]

BIG RON ANNOUNCES SALE of INVENTORY !

" Uh gots ta spen a foo daze in Potsmuth Genral ", said Big Ron .

"Lass nite sumwun dun try ta sneak in my rear entree , but he run off when uh starded ta wake up , I doan node wot he wandid and he leff is tool in ma key hole ."

" De ducters uh meenz lucksmiffs sez dey kin get it owt but I kint wok fer a week affer soze I be aven dis ere sail ".

Indeed this reporter can see Dodo eggs for 2 shillings a doz , Giant Auks 7 pence per lb. and PassengARR pigeons for one crown each , average weight @ 2 1/2 lb.

" Hurry before day rot even moor ", said Big Ron

[black bart]

BIG RON ANNOUNCES SALE of INVENTORY !


Indeed this reporter can see Dodo eggs for 2 shillings a doz , Giant Auks 7 pence per lb. and PassengARR pigeons for one crown each , average weight @ 2 1/2 lb.

" Hurry before day rot even moor ", said Big Ron

ARRRRRRRR...Ye better not let "Green" Cap'n Smith hear about that!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Oi though his exotic sausage range was lookin a bit suspicious. Stay away from the Chilli and Garlic Giant Auk surprise, there be enuff wind in 'em to power yer ship to Alaska.

[black bart]

New Health Food Shop Opens in Portsmouth

Portsmouth residents will be able to avail themselves of a range of the latest health food products very soon. The 'Floating Plankton Market' is to be opened by 'Green Cap'n Smith Industries' in an attempt to lure the residents away from their usual diet of Sausages, Boil in the bag meals, Fish Head Stew, Brain Curries and wobbly Blancmanges. We were given a list of the sort of products which will be on offer and these will include:

Dried Organic Fish Heads
Desicated Weevil Flakes
Dried Organic Fish Scales
Organic Deck Scratchins
Canvey Island Mix
Big Ron's Organic Baked Beans
Seaweed Rusks and much more.

I for one have put in an order for a Bumper pack of Big Ron's Nuts.

[black bart]

Cap'n Dave L takes Down a Looney in broad daylight

In a blood thirsty day in the Verganza Quarter of Portsmouth (always a no go area) there were terrible scenes of blood curdling horror as Pistol toting Cap'n Dave showed no mercy to the poor swab who'd lost his marbles thru eatin too much Fish Head Stew.

After days of sufferin the ramblings of the poor sailors deranged mind, which included Dancing Black Skeletons and Talking Green potatoes, Cap'n Dave finally snapped. The hapless swab was blasted off the pages of Venganza and into oblivion (ie baninated).

"Let that be a lesson to ye, yer mutinous swabs" said Cap'n Dave to the trembling mimions of the Pirate board...I don't fink he'll be having any more trouble...unless the Fish Head Stew madness strikes again!