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Postby DaveL on Wed Jul 18, 2007 6:37 am

KILLER BARNACLES FOUND NEAR PORTSMOUTH

All mayhem broke loose today on the shores of Portsmouth, after a large plague of carnivorous barnacles was found at Scraggy Cove.

The corpse of an unknown smuggler was found half eaten at the scene. The Barnacles are believed to be the newest cloning experiment by Black Bart. When interviewed Mr Bart stated:

'YArrr, after me cloning experiments on meself and DaveL's cat Tiddles were banned, I was stuck for some decent genetic material.

The humble barnacle has proven an absolute goldmine for natural breedin' Those little buggers are randy as hell and can churn out thousands of 'em selves in minutes. For Phase 2, I simply crossed them with a pit pull and what did I get. The Pit Barnacle!!!


The Pit Barnacles have been quarantined by Portsmouth Constabulary, who are hoping to retrain them for guard duty, to prevent smuggler operations. Local graziers are also interested in Bart producing a barnacle that can round up livestock.

The breeding windfall is predicted to assist Bart's dwindling fortune in Fish Head stew, following several lawsuits (and deaths).

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WOOF WOOF!!! DOWN BOY!! DOWN BOY!!
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Ginger

Postby black bart on Wed Jul 18, 2007 7:17 am

YYYAAARRR...At least they didn't turn out Ginger!
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Postby walktheplank on Wed Jul 18, 2007 10:10 am

***COMPETITION WIN A CRUISE ON AN AUTHENTIC PIRATE SHIP***

The Portsmouth Guuuarrrrdian in association with our sponsor Cap'n Cronan are looking for 328 lucky readers to form Cap'n Cronan's new crew. The lucky winners will have the opportunity to travel the world, contract scurvy, be scared witless, suffer a horrible death, plus other exciting benefits.

To enter this once in a lifetime competition, please answer correctly the following question from the options available.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS THE BEST DESCRIPTION OF CAP'N CRONAN.

1. Old
2. Scary
3. Ugly
4. All of the above.

Submit Answer 4 to our offices via your Parrot (Cabin Boys via text or email). Failing that, sod the competition just go to his Ship in Portsmouth Harbour at dawn tomorrow.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Postby newyork-pastafarian on Wed Jul 18, 2007 9:31 pm

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS THE BEST DESCRIPTION OF CAP'N CRONAN.

1. Old
2. Scary
3. Ugly
4. All of the above.

arrr mate

ey's choosin' choicce 4
-may you be blessed by he who is known as the FLying Spaghetti Monster with his noodly goodness so you can experiance the heaven of beer volcanoes and strippers
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Postby anthrobabe on Wed Jul 18, 2007 9:40 pm

Ye All Be Awares!

that is all

jus be awares

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Postby ChowMein on Thu Jul 19, 2007 12:33 am

CAPn DAVEL TO RUN FOR PORTSMOUTH COUNCIL ?!

::::special correspondent : Mad Will Bonney of the "BeffLum"

@#$%& I cant tell ye nuttin !
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Postby The Black Spot on Thu Jul 19, 2007 8:30 am

PBC COMPETITIONS "FIXED" SCANDAL

There was uproar last night when it was revealed that the Portsmouth Broadcasting Corporation had "acted improperly" in the operation of its premium rate semaphore phone-ins.

The public had been asked to answer such challenging questions as "Which of the following is a flag? A) Jolly Roger, B) Jolly Cecil, C) Jolly Eric." All calls to the competition line were charged at 12 groats a second, and punters were kept hanging on the line for ages before they could give an answer.

It emerged last night that the winners had already been selected before the competition was ended, meaning that many of those who had entered had absolutely no chance of winning.

A PBC spokesman said "These competitions were only a bit of fun. The simplicity of the questions would be an indication that you had very little chance of winning. I don't think that anyone would have been stupid enough to spend much money on these competitions. Only someone with the IQ of a bucket of stew would fall for something like this."


STOP PRESS

PBC BUILDING STORMED

The PBC Headquarters came under
attack by a group of pirates led
by The Black Spot, Black Bart,
Walktheplank and DaveL.

They were demanding the return of
£25,000 that they had spent on
competition phone-ins.
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Postby The Black Spot on Thu Jul 19, 2007 10:36 am

LOCAL RESIDENT TO "SAVE THE PLANET"

"Green" Cap'n Smith, renowned Eco-Pirate, last night announced his plans to combat Climate Change.

Fresh from his appearance at the "We're-All-Doomed Aid" concert by has-been accordian players, "Green" Cap'n Smith unveiled his new vessel The Rainbow Worrier.

"In this mighty ship, my crew and myself will sail the oceans and give our help wherever needed to protect the planet."

Ignoring the shouts of "nutter" from the direction of the Admiral Benbow, Cap'n Smith continued "Tomorrow we sail into a better future!"

"Green" Cap'n Smith said that he considered questions about his Carbon Footprint to be in bad taste as he only has one leg.
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Postby DaveL on Fri Jul 20, 2007 1:23 am

TIDDLES SPOTTED IN PORTSMOUTH

Chaos abounded in Portsmouth after Tiddles, the evil mutineering cat decided to visit Portsmouth aboard his former masters stolen ship, 'The Aaarghh 9000'. Tiddles had been at sea for a long time, and was keen to quote:

'Sink a few pints down at the Admiral Benbow before setting off for more mutineering action'

Tiddles was photographed in the middle of his 13th beer when photographed.

Tiddles was later spotted staggering back to his ship, looking for a late night curry, singing rowdy pub songs and stumbling badly.

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Postby OZ_Nick on Fri Jul 20, 2007 1:32 am

Yarr! 'E be an evil beggar when 'e's 'ad a skinful, that Tiddles. Best ter keep roight outter 'is way.
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rescue

Postby black bart on Fri Jul 20, 2007 7:05 am

Tiddles Rescued by "Green" Cap'n Smith

The formidable Eco Pirate was on hand when Tiddles the cat got so drunk, he fell into Portsmouth Harbour. Believing Tiddles to be a rare example of 'felix marinai gingerous' or 'The extremely rare 'Ginger Sea Cat', Cap'n Smith sent his Rainbow Worrier to Tiddles rescue.

A boat full of Smith's crew all wearing GreenSmith T-Shirts circled around the floundering Tiddles chanting "Save the Whale" ...which plainly enraged Tiddles and a bloody battle ensued. Tiddles was eventually hauled to safety with most of Smith's crew members hospitalised.

Resplendant in his recycled cardboard hat Cap'n Smith gave a rousing speach to the crowds, promising to save endandered animals the world over.
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Advert

Postby black bart on Fri Jul 20, 2007 9:51 am

Portsmoth Guaaaarrrrdian Advertising

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Postby walktheplank on Fri Jul 20, 2007 10:22 am

CAPTAIN SMITH IS A FRAUD CLAIMS REPORTER

This newspaper has received conclusive evidence that Cap'n Smith is a fraud and his 'Green' credentials are a sham.

An undercover reporter was able to get a job as crew on Cap'n Smith's ship as they prepared to sail and was able to confirm the following facts.

1) None of the crew washed for 5 days, the resultant smell killed every living bird in the sky up to a mile away.

2) The Cap'n was heard whispering to one of his crew members, "Once we are three days out of Port affix this engine to the stern"

3) The Chickens were technically free range as they could run around the bilge but it was so dirty even the rats had caught scurvy.

4) Capn Smith's hat was in fact recycled from a dead cat.

5) What was thought to be a solar heating system was in fact a sheet of tarpaulin over the bridge where a shell blew out a hole whilst under attack

The Guaarrrrddian has attempted to contact Cap'n Smith to discuss these allegations but were advised that he is pissed er unavailable for comment.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Postby DaveL on Fri Jul 20, 2007 4:40 pm

walktheplank wrote:The Guaarrrrddian has attempted to contact Cap'n Smith to discuss these allegations but were advised that he is pissed er unavailable for comment.


YArrrrr...

I bet he didn't even rescue Tiddles. He was probably involved in a 10 man shout with Tiddles n' 'is crew at the Admiral Benbow. Saucy Gert would have served 'em.

Oi also reckon it was Hackles the Rescue Dog who pulled both Capn. Smith and Tiddles from the briny.

Only Saucy Gert and Hackles will know the truth.
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Island

Postby black bart on Sun Jul 22, 2007 1:38 am

AARRRRR...Has ye noticed the resemblance tween Cap'n Smith and an Easter Island Statue though?

Tis a bad omen I tells ye! I'd rather sail wiv Cap'n Cronan!!!
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