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Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Pump

Postby Auntie Blackbeard on Tue Jul 03, 2007 5:50 am

Why didn't I get an invite ye bugger...after all the Marital Advice I've given the both of ye! Where would ye be know if I hadn't answered your letter (in the strictest confidence) about you and Pirgella's bedroom difficulties? You would still be using the inflatable sheep and the Bilge Pump!
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E Razer

Postby black bart on Tue Jul 03, 2007 6:24 am

E RAZER FOUND

E Razer the long lost Pirate from Italy has been found alive and well (and sporting a cyborg leg) by an expedition by Black Bart. Here he is:

http://www.venganza.org/forum/viewtopic.php?t=8163
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby walktheplank on Tue Jul 03, 2007 9:42 am

PIRGELLA STANDS AS PORTSMOUTH MAYOR

In a shock announcement today Pirgella has announced her intention to stand against Ken Liversausage as Mayor of Portsmouth in the forthcoming local elections.

Pirgella will campaign on a far reaching campaign of social change which is she claims based on public opinion, well the public that frequents the Admiral Benbow. Pirgella is particularly interested in childrens development and is demanding an improvement in educational standards.

Our correspondent was sent down the Admiral Benbow to speak to Pirgella and came back drunk as a skunk but a few days later was able to confirm the following policies that Pirgella intends to implement.

Free Fish Head Stew compulsory in schools from the age of 4 upwards.

All children from 6 upwards to get work experience in the art of thieving on a local pirate vessel.

Human Biology lessons for Boys on Pirate Ships from 10 upwards.

All children from the age of 12 to be able to fire a musket, use a cutlass, chew tobacco and grunt under their breath.

The mayor is setting a target that 90% of all children will be thrown out of a local hostelry for drunken behaviour by the time they are 15.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Postby The Black Spot on Tue Jul 03, 2007 7:56 pm

JAMIE OILYFART ENTERS MAYORAL CONTEST

In a surprise move, well known celebrity chef and complete arsehole Jamie Oilyfart threw his hat into the ring for the forthcoming mayoral elections.

"I fink it's orl wrong like that kids aff to eat these school dinnas" the middle class celebrity said in a bad accent. "They should av decent nosh like lettuce an onyens wiv spinich."

The school board reserved comment until they could understand what the prat was saying.
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Postby Zankou 2.0 on Tue Jul 03, 2007 8:16 pm

PIRATE THREADS BEING OVER USED

In a breaking story, members of the Venganza Discussion Forums have reported that the pirate threads are being overused, while the actually useful threads are abandoned.


Which sucks.
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--Pope John Paul II


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-Albert Einstein
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Postby DaveL on Tue Jul 03, 2007 8:44 pm

Yarrrr...

We be a very popular, 'long winded bunch'. And I don't just mean we talk alot either. :o

Big Ron is still the champion in that department.
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Postby OZ_Nick on Wed Jul 04, 2007 3:03 am

PIRATES TO FIX GLOBAL WARMING

Our man on the spot, cub reporter Frank Whinger Snoggins, reports that the sudden upsurge in Pirate activity has been caused by an innate desire by the Pirates to prevent global warming wrecking the world economy.

Pirate spokesman Cap'n Bluenose said "Yarrr! We be verra concernd wot wiv all this global warmin an stuffe. Iffen the see levells all rise and flood the coastal regions we reckon there'll be a lot less loot ter be 'ad. So we decided to increase our activity loike, so as ter prevent this terribell fing from 'appenin. We fink that the serious threads ken looke afta themselfs an' we'll be keepin on keepin on 'ere abouts"
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Grog

Postby black bart on Wed Jul 04, 2007 5:41 am

Ahoy me hearty...ave a Tankard o grog on me. I agrees wiv that. I tried goin on the so called "serious" threads once...no one ad ever even heard of Big Brenda! I asked the science threads what to do wiv me tackle in a Force Ten gale, an they gave me a whole load o numbers wot no one on me crew could read! In the end I left em a Batch o Fish Head Stew to annalyse!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Re: Grog

Postby OZ_Nick on Wed Jul 04, 2007 11:40 pm

black bart wrote:Ahoy me hearty...ave a Tankard o grog on me. I agrees wiv that. I tried goin on the so called "serious" threads once...no one ad ever even heard of Big Brenda! I asked the science threads what to do wiv me tackle in a Force Ten gale, an they gave me a whole load o numbers wot no one on me crew could read! In the end I left em a Batch o Fish Head Stew to annalyse!


Yarrr! Shuldent that be under the torture thread?
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Canon

Postby black bart on Thu Jul 05, 2007 5:48 am

I also asked dem science bods this:

A canon ball be travellin at a speed o 300 mph, at an altitude of 4 metres, at an approximate trajectory of 45 degrees to sea level and from a launch position of approximately 56.67.20 longitude and 58.34.80 lattitude,

what be the impact velocity and what be the dammage ratio?

They said "what on earth has that got to do with us?"

I said: " DUCK!"
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby walktheplank on Fri Jul 06, 2007 9:01 am

BRAVE OR STUPID

This is the question Portsmouth residents are asking of 88 year old spinster Mrs Ethel Dingbat who challenged some citizens who were blatantly ignoring the towns smoking ban.

Mrs Dingbat went into the Admiral Benbow to purchase her regular bottle of stout when she noticed that a group of gentlemen (and we use this term loosely) were smoking a variety of tobacco products inside the tavern. These gentlemen (who witnesses suggest were Dave L, The Black Spot, Black Bart and Walk the Plank) were approached by Mrs Dingbat who requested that they cease smoking immediately.

Black Bart and Walk the Plank being simpering cowards meekly complied whilst Dave L roared with laughter slapped her on the back (knocking out her false teeth) and also stopped smoking. However, The Black Spot (who even to his friends is known as a despiciable, violent, homicidal maniac) carried on smoking. At this point Mrs Dingbat hit The Black Spot sharply on the elbow with her umbrella causing him to drop his cigarette, she then told him "You'll do what I ask young man, your not to old fer me to put yer over me knee ter give yer a good spanking" she then turned on her heels and left the tavern.

The Black Spot was beside himself with rage and left the tavern immediately to confront Mrs Dingbat. As we went to press we are still waiting for the outcome of this meeting.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Postby DaveL on Thu Jul 12, 2007 7:08 am

THE DARK AVENGER RETURNS

Following a recent withdrawal of Pirates from NewPortsmouth, the Dark Avenger - superhero crusader against martime vice, has entered Old Portsmouth looking for the same 6-7 pirates who turned the New Portsmouth on its head several months ago.

'I have come to rid this town of these vermin once and for all. For truth and justice shall prevail. If I see just one copy of PlayBilge in the news stands, there will be hell to pay. I also shall purge the town of all fishhead stew.

The Dark Avenger has recently been acquitted from hospital where his 0 was turned into a 0 using a mysterious object, later found in the possession of a Mr B.Spot.

Mr Spot has denied ever associating with the Dark Avenger. Although he did admit to asking him for an autograph in a dimly lit back alley. The Dark Avenger has since lost much of his vim and vigour.

We will update you of further developments shortly.
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Postby The Black Spot on Thu Jul 12, 2007 8:29 am


NEW SIDEKICK UNVEILED


There was excitement in Portsmouth last night as the Dark Avenger introduced his new teenage sidekick, The Crimson Skidmark.

"Evildoers beware!" boomed the crimefighter. "With the help of this plucky youngster, I shall defeat the forces of darkness in this fair city!"

Informed sources believe that The Crimson Skidmark was once the cabin boy of a lecherous pirate captain, and has vowed revenge against all buccaneers.

As the pair ran off into the darkness, several people commented on the stiff, bowlegged walk they both had.
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Plague

Postby black bart on Thu Jul 12, 2007 11:46 am

NO SUMMER TIL 1880 SHOCK

The Portsmouth met office today predicted there will be no hot weather til 1880. The unusual climactic conditions were blamed on Carbon emissions from factories. (Mainly Bart Industries Fish Head Stew factory). The thick green smoke emanating from the chimney stacks of Bart Industries has formed a new layer in the upper atmosphere which scientists have dubbed 'The Bartosphere.'

Next week will be foggy with outbreaks of plague and scurvy.
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby black bart on Tue Jul 17, 2007 7:37 am

Borat Johnson to run for mayor

In a spectacular political twist, local looney Borat Johnson has put himself forward as a candidate for the Mayorship of Portsmouth. An outspoken critic of Portsmouth's crime figures, Mr Johnson has survived a kidnapping and fourteen attempts on his life...all by local pirates!

Borat spoke out against the present mayor 'Ken Liversausage': "He's nothing but a womaniser and a fool and I don't think he even went to a public school."

Mr Borat Johnson has been 'British Upper Class Twit of the Year' for the last 3 years.
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