Whinging Pensioner Pirate Rant

[black bart]

AARRR Ye be talkin loik a true Jack tarr me hearty. AAARRRR I longs fer the days when ye could roast a Spaniard off Cadiz, Fry a frog off Falmouth, Toast a Taff off Teignmouth and ...now what was it we used ta do off the Virgin Islands?

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Back in my day, going to the loo was as good as pointing yer 'third leg' over the side , or usin' a wooden bucket for growin' a 'brown carrot'.

These days, if yer don't have a dual flush porcelain deluxe model wifs wondersoft paper, yewl cop a big fine.

Bleedin Council health inspectors!

[black bart]

AARRRRRR, I got Bustlin Brian in to install a Thomas Crapper Deluxe model in me cabin. I don't trust Brian as far as I can throw im, which aint much more than an inch, so I tested the facility thoroughly before payin him. To my surprise it all worked nicely. It was only afterwards I noticed the pipe work looked rather familiar...there weren't an inch of brass railings left on me ship! Still, whilst it be a shame the men keep fallin overboard, I can have a bloody good **** in me cabin.

[walktheplank]

Yarr in my days we used to sail into any port, drink the town dry, ravish the wenches an escape with some booty.

Nowadays we as to radio the harbour master who'll send a tug to guide us through the shipping Lanes. If we want ter stay at a inn we as to go on their bloody website and see if they as availability afore we git there. If yer want a wench then we as ter pay in advance by credit card and they want ter see a photograph of yer as well afore theyll see yer.

yup Piracy is not what it used ter be.

[Auntie Blackbeard]

GGGAARRR...I remembers the days when an Agony Aunt used ta get proper problems sent in...Dear Auntie, I've been sliced in two by Blackbeard, I've had me nadgers attached to a Sperm whale fer four weeks, I can't seem to detach this grapeshot from me skull...nowadays ye be nowt but a load o whingin fairies...Dear Auntie me cabin boy don't love me...Me pink dress got ripped in a force ten hurricane...

...where will it all end? Keep sendin em in though...I likes a good laugh!

[The Black Spot]

Gah! In my day we 'ad proper pirates like that Flynn bloke, an' St Robert Newton. Now we 'as this poncy Depp feller.

It's all wrong I tells 'ee.

[walktheplank]

yarr in my day it was yo ho ho and a bottle of Rum nowadays the barman will ask ye is it Pimms or Baccardi Breezer dear boy.

[black bart]

AAARRRRR...They gone an brought in a ban on smokin in t'Admiral Benbow now...I don't see as how twill make a jot o difference. No one can see bugger all for all the fumes comin out o the kitchen!

[walktheplank]

yarr in my day female singers were the wholesome girl next door who yer could tek home to yer Mum, olright the Liverpool accent was a bit grating but at least she wouldn't lead a poor Pirate astray.

Nowadays they av tatooes that a Portsmouth docker would be proud of and sing about going into Rehab, what is the world coming to.

[black bart]

AAARRR...We should book that Amy Groghouse fer the Admiral Benbow 'Let the Wenches Entertain' night!

[anthrobabe]

back in tha day tha we ale servin wenches was proud to have a toofbrush to share and now them new lasses comes in and wants to know why their toofbrush is outa tha pack aready
they don likes it when I tells em it a cause we frew it away when we bots is a cuppla a years ago for the ale wench shes replacin

the misty eyed and missin them olden days
saucy gert pettigrew- head ale wench at the Admiral Benbow

[black bart]

AAARRRR...We had proper music in my day...Take the Lot, Westward Ho Life, Back Street Press Gang Boys, Cabin Boyszone etc etc

[OZ_Nick]

Yarrr!

Back in my day we 'ad proper sea farin food: Hard tack, salted pork every Thursday and extra weavils fer the cook's favourite with spotted dick fer dessert every Sunday, now it all be lar-de-dar cuisine, baked eggs Eindhoven and gammon fer breakfast, smoked salmon and caviar sandwiches fer lunch and fer dinner it's Roast beef with baked potatoes, carrots and parsnips with yorkshire pudding and fresh garden peas followed up with a steamed pudding and clotted cream. Roast beef fer cryin out loud! 'Owes an 'onest Pirate supposed ter be makin a proffit feedin 'is crew that lot!

[DaveL]

AAARRRR...We had proper music in my day...Take the Lot, Westward Ho Life, Back Street Press Gang Boys, Cabin Boyszone etc etc

YArrrrr...

That pirate boyband Cabin Boyzone wern't a shade on m'self and Black Spot's boyband 'Take-the-Lot'.

It's a pity Oi hads ter give 'Take-the-Lot' up for Pirgella. Oi be wunderin if Black Spot will get sick of breedin viscious dogs and go solo wifsout me.

[walktheplank]

yarr the old days away at sea were the best. We would settle down of an evening get roaring drunk on Rum and foine Ale, fondle the wenches and sing lewd sea shanties.

Nowadays me crew well they go off on their own with their fancy gadgets PSPs, IPODs, MP3 players etc, yer can't even get em together fer a game of cards. Sadly Piracy these days is not very socialable anymores.