Portsmouth Guaaaaaarrrrrrrrrdian for yer latest news

[walktheplank]

ADMIRAL BENBOW CLOSES AFTER RIOT

The Admiral Benbow pub was forced to close last night after suffering structural damage during a riot which started when the landlord tried to enforce a smoking ban.

Though the smoking ban in England does not commence until the 1st July, the landlord decided to test public opinion when he politely asked his customers to cease smoking their tobacco.

The landlord's funeral takes place at Portsmouth Crematorium today, all smokers are welcome.

[black bart]

GGGAAARRRR...ye can't be the Guardian...Tweren't enough spellin mistakes!

[black bart]

Black Bart sends PM to save on semaphore bill

Black Bart sunk to new lows of pettyness today when he PM'd a mate instead of usin his Semaphore. "AARRRRR, I needs ta cut costs" said Bart " I has ta find a cronan to get into the quiz night at t'Admiral Benbow!

[DaveL]

GREENHOUSE TEMPERATURES PLUMMET - RAIDING PARTY BLAMED

During a recent influx of Pirates to these shores temperatures have continued to plummet.

Venerable Pirate Brains Trust 'Mr Taichi' confirmed that the cooling weather marked a return to the Golden Age of Pirates.

The number of Arghhhhhs has indeed been notable and has resulted in the use of Argghhhs during general conversation. New sayings include:

"Show us your Arggghhs"
"Look at the size of your Argghhhs"
"Argghs no questions tell no lies"

and the ever popular

"Starrghhy-Starrrghy Night"

Mr Taichi confirmed that raiding party will continue indefinitely.

[black bart]

It be a weird thing but the two most talked about people on the Pirate board, namely Capn Cronan and Taichi, never post. Cronan came on to post himself only once or twice and we all know what appened to Taichi...although I think he'd be welcome back now.

[walktheplank]

OUTCAST FOUND BATTERED IN PORTSMOUTH STREET

The Pirate formally known as Taichi was found semi-conscious in a Portsmouth Street after receiving a beating from unknown assailants.

Portsmouth Police are waiting to interview Taichi to see if he can identify his attackers. At the moment his words are slurred and indecipherable though as one officer pointed out he didn't make much sense when he was fully conscious.

A witness who refused to be identify himself was heard to say "Dee Dee always gets her man, you don't cross her an git away with it"

[black bart]

Another dreadful case of Battery in Portsmouth Shock.

It were dreadful chipped in PC Constable...There were mushy peas everywhere and ketchup all up the walls. Photos not for the squeemish:

[black bart]

How the bleedin ell did that appen...Marion's Kochbuch...it was a photo of fish and chips last time I looked!

I hope it's not what it sounds loik!

[Pachyderm]

If'n it is whut it sounds loike, it moight just be a smidgen more poiratey than a pictchewer of a fish supper....

Foine work there, matey.

[walktheplank]

DAVE L WEDS PIRGELLA

It was a grand occasion at Portsmouth Cathedral when Dave L Bucaneer, Scoundrel and Local Drunkard married his long term wench the lovely Pirgella.

Pirgella was resplendent in a red satin gown that fortunatly masked the blood stains from one of the invited guests who had made the mistake of telling her she was lovely. Dave L's cutlass all sharp and polished claimed its first victim of a busy day.

Even Dave L had brushed himself up, his hat was on straight, he'd washed his beard and polished his hook. Whereas Pirgella had shaved her legs with a ladies razor Dave L used a plane to smooth out the lumps in his wooden leg.

The service was briefly interupted when a group of gatecrashers tried to force their way in by blowing a hole in the side of the cathedral with musket fire, however they were no match for the best man 'The Black Spot' who with his gang of unruly swabs charged at them with hammers, pickaxes and rocks leaving a pile of bodies on the cathedral steps.

The speeches were mercifully short The Black Spot said "I never liked ye much but as ye are paying for me ale then I'll mek an excepion for t'day"

The happy couple have not announced any honeymoon plans but as Dave L is wanted for the serious crimes of Piracy, Murder, doing unspeakable things with Cabin Boys and for smoking in the Admiral Benbow he was smuggled out of Portsmouth by his crew shortly after the reception finished. Shortly after Dave L had left then Pirgella was observed sneaking out of a side entrance arm in arm with a drunk and lecherous Black Bart.

[black bart]

IS WALKTHEPLANK CILLA BLACK IN PIRATE GUISE SHOCK

Our reporter at the recent wedding ceremony of Dave L & Pirgella picked up on a rumour that infamous pirate 'Walktheplank' is actually Cilla Black in disguise. The rumours seemed to be substantiated by the fact that Walktheplank had acted as match maker for the happy couple, and that he was present at the wedding resplendant in a beautiful new wig designed by Sir Vivianne Westhamwood.

Here's wishing the happy couple a "Lorra Lorra luck."

[walktheplank]

yarr that is a vicious and unfounded rumour I do not look like Cilla Black and I don't know any of her songs.

[black bart]

Harr, Harrr, HARRRRRRRRRR!

[The Black Spot]

SMOKING BAN INTRODUCED

The law banning smoking in all of Portsmouth's public places was introduced last night.

Mayor Keith Liversausage said "This is for the good of the public. Anyone caught smoking in the Admiral Benbow Inn will be fined twenty pounds."

Asked whether the ban would work, Mr Liversausage said "Of course it will. Good heavens, the people around here would sell their souls for twenty pounds."

An anonymous man put a twenty five pound price on the mayor's head this morning.

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Oi must've been drunk for both the proposal and the wedding. I don't remembers any of it. That girl must've had the ceremony, ring and gown ready months ago.

It was an ambush Oi tells yer. What am I gonna tell Madame Fifi?

Yarrr, did we have a bucks night?