Truly, I say unto you, I have seen it; in the filthy porno shops and low bawdy houses I have seen it, in the halls of power and the pages of Punch I have seen it, in the stains on the bus seats and in the tabloids next to queue at the grocery store I have seen it.
First I saw the rise of the silicone bag, called by some "Paris Hilton", by others "Linsay Lohan", and by myriads other names we have not heard of yet. And this sack did distract the masses by getting drunk and falling down in public. And the public did feign great outrage, and then emulated the sack. And thus, many were decieved.
Second I did see the rise of the two-headed moron. One head's name was "Bush", and the other was called "Blair". And the moron did turn about, and start farting out excuses, yea, til the sky was darkened by the cloud. Thus, more were led astray.
Third, I saw the flickering eye of the demon known by some as "PS3", by others "XBOX360", and by still others "Wii", "PSP", and "Gamecube". And the colorful images and flickering light did combine to enthrall many with pleasing sights of anime, so that they surrendered their cares and thoughts. And lo! Many were made drooling idiots.
Then an angel did blow the first kazoo of the apocalypse, and did break the first seal. Yet still the morons sat in front of their glowing boxes, transfixed by Spears or Bush or Link, yea, even as they were swept into the ocean by typhoons, tsunamis, and mighty floods of advertising dollars.
Then I did see a great beast go forth onto the roads and byways, and this Beast had a hundred names. And some of those names were "Ford Explorer" and "Lincoln Navigator", and "Escalade" and "Tundra". And the righteous grew wroth, for they could not see ahead in traffic. Yet the beasts owned the road, even as they flipped upside down and burned the sinners inside of them. And there was no parking.
Then an angel did blow the second kazoo of the apocalypse, and broke the second seal. Yet still the idiots drove their great gas-guzzling beasts, and bewailed the high price of gas, and were mystified by it.
Then I did see a disembodied head that spoke lies, yea, until even the Cletii grew ill to their stomaches. And this head was named "Scarborough, and "Limbaugh", and "Coulter", and "O'Rielly", and many others. And the AM radio and Fox News did broadcast these twerps until the lies became truth for the Cletii and the Jethroes and yea, even the libertarians.
Then an angel did blow the third kazoo of the apocalypse, and broke the third seal. Yet the rednecks and trailer trash paid no heed, and asked the angel why it hated Americaâ„¢.
Then the LORD did grow mighty in his wrath, and four horsemen appeared.
And the first horseman was named "Pre-Emptive Aggression", and his horse was like unto a great bird, with swept wings and afterburners, and the horsemans face was the snout of a gas mask. And he did a royal fucking job on both the attacker and the defender. And yet the Cletii called for more.
The second horseman was named "Teenaged Fatass", and did strongly resemble Ronald McDonald. And thus the children of the land did become visible from space.
The third horseman was named "Anti-Terror Legislation", and did swipe the rights of the people, yea, from under their very noses. And yet Jethro begged for more saying, "Thou hast not done enough to protect me". And the horseman could not believe his fucking luck.
And the fourth horseman rode upon a pale horse, and his name was Debt. And he was the size of Mount McKinley, yet the people saw him not. And he did continue to grow, and biding his time, for he will own all in the end, and come crashing down around the heads of the people, and shall squash them like bugs. And the people who could see Debt did call out warning upon warning, and met only with the mockery of the rubes.
To be continued.
Editor in chief of "SHUT UP", The American Journal of Misanthropy.
Or kill me.