Whinging Pensioner Pirate Rant

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Postby The Black Spot on Fri Jun 15, 2007 8:06 pm

Arrr... I tried them tablets once. Bluddy things straightened me hook out.
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Postby DaveL on Sun Jun 17, 2007 10:32 pm

YArrrr...

Me Pir-mail account be bloomin full of those ads. Can yer tell me what happens if an ole granny that gets spammed by these blighters?

She's hardly in the eligible demographic for gettin herself fixed. :?
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Old

Postby black bart on Mon Jun 18, 2007 5:32 am

YYYYAAAARRRRRRR...Me crew ud give thier left nadgers fer an Old Granny with a packet of Kolaloka lemonade!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby DaveL on Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:15 am

...but without nadgers, unless granny be a grandpa. (sorry wrong thread :D )
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Postby walktheplank on Mon Jun 18, 2007 7:42 am

whats the world coming to me crew went down with scurvy and the Doc gave them antibiotics and told em to rest fer a week. Me I would throw them over the side but no, apparently that would be infringing their human rights bah, pass me some Rum I'm going to get wasted.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Postby The Black Spot on Mon Jun 18, 2007 12:15 pm

Arrr, Plank me matey

I had a similar problem once. Loads o' me men were rollin' around on deck, holdin' their guts while linin' up to use the privy. The sawbones said it were the dirty conditions that 'ad given 'em all the squits.

"Men!" I sez. "I's bin told ye need clean livin' conditions! Oo here is fed up wi' livin' in this filth?"

About a dozen o' them put their hands up.

I whispered something to me bosun.

SPLASH! O'er the side went the lot o' them. I's sure the water got 'em nice an clean.
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Global

Postby black bart on Tue Jun 19, 2007 5:29 am

An orrible thought more than a old gits whinge: What if they'd had Kolaloka lemonade in the Golden Age of Piracy!!! Never mind global warmin, there would ave been Global *****ing!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby The Black Spot on Tue Jun 19, 2007 5:57 am

Gah! If it were you, it'd be Global W******
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Whittle

Postby black bart on Tue Jun 19, 2007 6:08 am

YYYAAARRRRRR....Those were the days...a nice big blow up Etchin of Big Brenda on me cabin wall...a box o Kleenex triple Ply Parchments...

After about two days the First mate would call out: "Are ye allright in thar Capn?" I'd respond in a tremulous voice: "Aye aye me hearties...doin a bit o whittlin on me whalebone...call me when we reach port...we need some more Kleenex!"
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby DaveL on Tue Jun 19, 2007 7:59 am

YArrrrr...

When ye be a sea for 6 months straight, wif no female contact, the ole whalebone can get whittled to a stump. :D
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Postby walktheplank on Tue Jun 19, 2007 10:11 am

yer see in the old days yer would capture a merchant ship and ravish the pretty wenches on board. Nowadays you as to have an introduction with

www.piratedating.com

and pay 50 dubloons which will only git yer an old bag with a bald head and yellow teeth.

Things are not what they used ter be fer sure.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Shippin

Postby black bart on Wed Jun 20, 2007 7:38 pm

AAARRRGH...The bleedin shippin industry is rubbish these days. In my day ye could set yer sundial by the regular sailin of t'ocean goin craft. Nowadys ye waits fer hours and then 3 o the blighters comes along at once...just look now, thar be three ships comin up now...Oh sufferin squid, it be the Ruddy Royal Navy...swim fer it lads!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby walktheplank on Wed Jun 20, 2007 8:11 pm

yarr In my day you would capture a ship, ravish the wenches, capture the booty and throw the crew to the sharks.

Nowadays you as to check the value of the ship online afore you go near it and then negotiate a price with the Cap'n for the value of their goods. If you want a wench they'll check yer salary an prospects first an even then if yer hold their hand you are expected to announce yer intentions to their parents. As fer the crew try throwing em overboard and they'll sue yer for destroying their livlihood.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Old Rope

Postby black bart on Thu Jun 21, 2007 4:55 pm

YYYAAARRRRRR...I remembers the day when ye could Keel Haul a man with any old rope, chain, string o sausages, cat gut, his own hair...nowadays ye has to use accredited BS7789 Marine Triple Ply Rope..GGGAARRR, Costs a bleedin fortune!
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby walktheplank on Thu Jun 21, 2007 6:40 pm

yarr I as now ad all me Rum confiscated as under Health and Safety Regulations it is past its drink by date. Me crew have all mutinied and I want ter throw em over the side but I as been told that I as to put em all on Sick leave due to stress with full pay.
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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