Whinging Pensioner Pirate Rant

[The Black Spot]

Arrr... I tried them tablets once. Bluddy things straightened me hook out.

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Me Pir-mail account be bloomin full of those ads. Can yer tell me what happens if an ole granny that gets spammed by these blighters?

She's hardly in the eligible demographic for gettin herself fixed.

[black bart]

YYYYAAAARRRRRRR...Me crew ud give thier left nadgers fer an Old Granny with a packet of Kolaloka lemonade!

[DaveL]

...but without nadgers, unless granny be a grandpa. (sorry wrong thread )

[walktheplank]

whats the world coming to me crew went down with scurvy and the Doc gave them antibiotics and told em to rest fer a week. Me I would throw them over the side but no, apparently that would be infringing their human rights bah, pass me some Rum I'm going to get wasted.

[The Black Spot]

Arrr, Plank me matey

I had a similar problem once. Loads o' me men were rollin' around on deck, holdin' their guts while linin' up to use the privy. The sawbones said it were the dirty conditions that 'ad given 'em all the squits.

"Men!" I sez. "I's bin told ye need clean livin' conditions! Oo here is fed up wi' livin' in this filth?"

About a dozen o' them put their hands up.

I whispered something to me bosun.

SPLASH! O'er the side went the lot o' them. I's sure the water got 'em nice an clean.

[black bart]

An orrible thought more than a old gits whinge: What if they'd had Kolaloka lemonade in the Golden Age of Piracy!!! Never mind global warmin, there would ave been Global *****ing!

[The Black Spot]

Gah! If it were you, it'd be Global W******

[black bart]

YYYAAARRRRRR....Those were the days...a nice big blow up Etchin of Big Brenda on me cabin wall...a box o Kleenex triple Ply Parchments...

After about two days the First mate would call out: "Are ye allright in thar Capn?" I'd respond in a tremulous voice: "Aye aye me hearties...doin a bit o whittlin on me whalebone...call me when we reach port...we need some more Kleenex!"

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

When ye be a sea for 6 months straight, wif no female contact, the ole whalebone can get whittled to a stump.

[walktheplank]

yer see in the old days yer would capture a merchant ship and ravish the pretty wenches on board. Nowadays you as to have an introduction with

www.piratedating.com

and pay 50 dubloons which will only git yer an old bag with a bald head and yellow teeth.

Things are not what they used ter be fer sure.

[black bart]

AAARRRGH...The bleedin shippin industry is rubbish these days. In my day ye could set yer sundial by the regular sailin of t'ocean goin craft. Nowadys ye waits fer hours and then 3 o the blighters comes along at once...just look now, thar be three ships comin up now...Oh sufferin squid, it be the Ruddy Royal Navy...swim fer it lads!

[walktheplank]

yarr In my day you would capture a ship, ravish the wenches, capture the booty and throw the crew to the sharks.

Nowadays you as to check the value of the ship online afore you go near it and then negotiate a price with the Cap'n for the value of their goods. If you want a wench they'll check yer salary an prospects first an even then if yer hold their hand you are expected to announce yer intentions to their parents. As fer the crew try throwing em overboard and they'll sue yer for destroying their livlihood.

[black bart]

YYYAAARRRRRR...I remembers the day when ye could Keel Haul a man with any old rope, chain, string o sausages, cat gut, his own hair...nowadays ye has to use accredited BS7789 Marine Triple Ply Rope..GGGAARRR, Costs a bleedin fortune!

[walktheplank]

yarr I as now ad all me Rum confiscated as under Health and Safety Regulations it is past its drink by date. Me crew have all mutinied and I want ter throw em over the side but I as been told that I as to put em all on Sick leave due to stress with full pay.