Whinging Pensioner Pirate Rant

[walktheplank]

aye know what you mean Spot.

In my day if you didn't like a swab you made em Walk the Plank. Hence me name as I had thousands of the blaggards off me ship this way.

Nowadays if you so much as raise yer voice to a Swab, they are likely to go to their quarters claiming sick benefit and are then liable to tek you to an Industrial Tribunal and try an git you the sack.

yarr I long for the good ol days

[black bart]

AAARRRRGH...'The Good Old Days'...that show were rubbish!

[black bart]

YYYAAARRRR...in those days the ship only had the one clever pirate and he was called a science officer...his job was to mix the gun powder and come up with helpful bits of information such as:

In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians.

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Back in my day, we used to fight in Triremes, use Greek fire and use slaves to row us round the Indies.

Damn Spartans and Persians!

[black bart]

Aye...Ye be roight thar lad. None o your namby pamby East Enders rubbish, we had proper tragedies in those days...Greek Tragedies they were. That Iliad went on for over 70,000 episodes and thar were only one woman in the whole bleedin tale!

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Those 'Sacred Band of Thebes' fellows sure had a way of errrrrmmm...shall we say 'bonding'...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacred_Band_of_Thebes

[black bart]

YYYAAARRR ... Those Thebians certainly knew how to form a Phallanx!

[black bart]

YYYYAAARRRRGH...Ye can't get a decent 'Open Boat' to be cast adrift on these days. Nowadays they be as a comfy as a baby's cot, all self rightin and hindistructable loik. In my day you were lucky ta last a week, sun beatin down dryin out yer eye balls, sharks eatin through the rotten planks and only a bottle of piss ta keep yer thirst at bay!

[The Black Spot]

Cannon balls. In my day, we 'ad proper cannonballs that would smash yer gizzards to pulp. Ye got hit by a cannonball back then an' yer head would end up fifty yards from yer arse'ole. They be cheap rubbish nowadays.

[walktheplank]

yaaarr on me ship in the old days if I wanted a look out I'll send me cabin boy up the rigging with a swift kick up his backside. Nowadays they want me to install scaffolding, insist on wearing hard hats and still the blaggards come down fer a tea break every 10 minutes.

[black bart]

AAARRGH...Me memory baint what it used ta be. Twas a time when I could have swept a wench off the docks, ravished her, held her to ransom and was back home in me secret hideout in the Dry Tortugas before the Royal Navy had a sniff of me gunwhales. T'other day I kidnapped the Governor o Jamaica's wife...couldn't manage the ravishin cos me pills ne'r turned up from Yin Lang Po on Hinternet and now I can't remember where the bleedin Hell I've hid her!!

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Funny that. Oi keep gettin messages on me email sayin'

1. Yewl be the envy of every other guy;
2. If you are totally healthy then don't read the followin';
3. She'll love you like no other;
4. How to be a better lover.

YArrr...Oi hear it's the same 'bicycle pump' they use for all 4 treatments.

PS Can anyone tell me what ViZaGara or ViXaGAra is. Is is sumffin different to those special 'heart' tablets the doctors gaves me?

[black bart]

You have to spell it loik that or it gets edited out...I'll prove it with the next sentence:

Dave, where can I get a bucketload of Kolaloka lemonade?

[The Black Spot]

We 'ad proper diseases back in my day. Scurvey that made yer gums shrivel up, an' good solid tropical diseases that'd eat a man's flesh off 'is bones. There were many a good man 'oos nadgers would drop off after a bit o' shore leave.

Youngsters o' today don't know they're born.

[DaveL]

You have to spell it loik that or it gets edited out...I'll prove it with the next sentence:

Dave, where can I get a bucketload of Kolaloka lemonade?

YArrrr...

That's probably why the doctor keeps calling me heart medication hErecTyle DIsFunTYon taBleTs.