Edit: Whoops, in a most newbish mistake, I made my own topic here instead of posting it in the appropriate thread, wherever that may be.
New forum, new ways of doing things...
Almost a week ago, I was visited by a vision of His Noodliness. He told me of His adventures and all those wonderful things He has done.
Realizing this was a pivotal moment for Pastafarians worldwide, I began recording his tales.
Here is the first, in which He begins creating stuff.
In the beginning, there was nothing.
Well, no, that isn't entirely accurate. There was a lot of boiling water. It was never not boiling, simply came into existence before anything else existed, and at the moment it existed, there was also Him. The Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Wait, wait, let me back up. There was Him, at the beginning. And because no pasta is simply right unless it's cooked, the moment He came into existence, He created boiling water everywhere, even though His divine noodly powers made Him right to begin with.
No, that's not right. Here, let's say that He created the boiling water to screw with the whole "origin of life" debate millennia later.
So there was Him. The Flying Spaghetti Monster. And a lot of boiling water, which evaporated quite soon afterwards. As you can probably imagine, being the only thing in existence in all of the universe is kind of boring. To pass the time, he twiddled His Noodly Appendages. He twiddled, and He twiddled. Finally, once that became boring, He decided to stop, but quickly found He couldn't. In an immediate effort to rectify this problem, He created friction, and His Noodly Appendages slowed to a stop.
I suppose you'll want a description of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. "After all, oh wise scribe," you may say, "there are many ways to envision spaghetti."
So let's get this straight. He was infinitely large, and infinitely small at the same time. He could be whatever size He wanted to be at the time, and could even be seven different sizes, all at once, through His divine power. He could take any form He chose, but most preferred the shape of a giant (or tiny) wad of spaghetti. Kind of tangled, and with a vaguely round shape, with His two Meatballs entangled roughly near the front. This form had two eyes, which protruded from His top on stalks of spaghetti. There was no sauce involved. The type of noodle varied from time to time, but He usually chose either traditional round spaghetti noodles, or noodles that more resembled linguine. He very rarely used those colored noodles in His forms, as they often interfered with His holy powers.
He played around with His shapeshifting again, then decided it was getting boring too. Searching for things to do, He went back to the twiddling of His Noodly Appendages. As it happened, He had created friction already, so the immense power behind His twiddling created an immense spark, which created an immense ball of nuclear fission. Startled, He threw the ball far away, until it was little more than a speck in the distance.
He stared at it for a while, then decided He liked that speck.
He created another.
(You get my point.)
After He had created a near infinite amount of these balls of nuclear fusion, the Flying Spaghetti Monster realized he had no idea how long he had been creating them. To prevent this from becoming a problem in the future, He created time.
By now, He was getting in the creative mood. He looked for inspiration, and decided He liked the idea of round things. He tore part of one of His Meatballs off, and with His Noodly Appendages, molded it into a rough ball, with raised, bumpy portions, and deep, wide pits. He worked hard on this ball, and the ends of His Noodly Appendages became moist with sweat, which gathered on the ball in the lower parts.
Finally, it was finished. With His Noodly Appendage, the Flying Spaghetti Monster took His ball and threw it up.
It kept going.
He extended a Noodly Appendage to retrieve it before it went too far, but decided it wasn't worth the hassle to do that every time He wanted to play catch. So He gave every object a quality that attracted every other object to it, proportional to each object's importance. (Later, scientists would overcomplicate that quality, throwing fancy words like "mass" into it. He always regarded that species as odd, for each believing they were more important than anything else, when it was obvious they were pulled to their planet.) He then halted it for Himself, as He was attracting all of the balls of fusion once more.
That done, he played catch with His new ball. That also got old, so instead, He created another ball. He then created juggling, subsequently followed by more and more balls, until he had more balls than the great big fusion furnaces. It was fun, but then He had a great idea. Throwing all of the balls above him, He span violently. Each ball came down, and, struck by one of His Appendages, spun off in a random direction.
He liked this.
But, alas, He was unsure of what next to do. In His omniscience, He created a how-to book, and read it. The first instruction to being a good deity, the book said, was to create life.
He was confused, so He read more.
"Pick three random words from the list below," the book said, "and create objects that you feel reflect that word." Then it gave twenty or thirty really random words.
He closed His eyes, and extended three Noodly Appendages to the book. When He opened them, He was pointing to "midget", "trees", and "mountains". Immediately, ideas flashed through His head, and His Appendages spun and twirled and lo! there was a midget.
The midget gasped, and promptly asphyxiated.
Yeah, it's got a wonky voice, I know that. But damn, was it fun to write.