The Chronicles of Spaghetti

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The Chronicles of Spaghetti

Postby Southwest on Sun Oct 09, 2005 5:44 pm

Edit: Whoops, in a most newbish mistake, I made my own topic here instead of posting it in the appropriate thread, wherever that may be.

Whoops.

New forum, new ways of doing things...

Anyway.

Almost a week ago, I was visited by a vision of His Noodliness. He told me of His adventures and all those wonderful things He has done.

Realizing this was a pivotal moment for Pastafarians worldwide, I began recording his tales.

Here is the first, in which He begins creating stuff.




In the beginning, there was nothing.

Well, no, that isn't entirely accurate. There was a lot of boiling water. It was never not boiling, simply came into existence before anything else existed, and at the moment it existed, there was also Him. The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Wait, wait, let me back up. There was Him, at the beginning. And because no pasta is simply right unless it's cooked, the moment He came into existence, He created boiling water everywhere, even though His divine noodly powers made Him right to begin with.

No, that's not right. Here, let's say that He created the boiling water to screw with the whole "origin of life" debate millennia later.

There, happy?

Damn hecklers.

So there was Him. The Flying Spaghetti Monster. And a lot of boiling water, which evaporated quite soon afterwards. As you can probably imagine, being the only thing in existence in all of the universe is kind of boring. To pass the time, he twiddled His Noodly Appendages. He twiddled, and He twiddled. Finally, once that became boring, He decided to stop, but quickly found He couldn't. In an immediate effort to rectify this problem, He created friction, and His Noodly Appendages slowed to a stop.

I suppose you'll want a description of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. "After all, oh wise scribe," you may say, "there are many ways to envision spaghetti."

So let's get this straight. He was infinitely large, and infinitely small at the same time. He could be whatever size He wanted to be at the time, and could even be seven different sizes, all at once, through His divine power. He could take any form He chose, but most preferred the shape of a giant (or tiny) wad of spaghetti. Kind of tangled, and with a vaguely round shape, with His two Meatballs entangled roughly near the front. This form had two eyes, which protruded from His top on stalks of spaghetti. There was no sauce involved. The type of noodle varied from time to time, but He usually chose either traditional round spaghetti noodles, or noodles that more resembled linguine. He very rarely used those colored noodles in His forms, as they often interfered with His holy powers.

He played around with His shapeshifting again, then decided it was getting boring too. Searching for things to do, He went back to the twiddling of His Noodly Appendages. As it happened, He had created friction already, so the immense power behind His twiddling created an immense spark, which created an immense ball of nuclear fission. Startled, He threw the ball far away, until it was little more than a speck in the distance.

He stared at it for a while, then decided He liked that speck.

He created another.

And another.

And another.

And another.

And another.

(You get my point.)

After He had created a near infinite amount of these balls of nuclear fusion, the Flying Spaghetti Monster realized he had no idea how long he had been creating them. To prevent this from becoming a problem in the future, He created time.

By now, He was getting in the creative mood. He looked for inspiration, and decided He liked the idea of round things. He tore part of one of His Meatballs off, and with His Noodly Appendages, molded it into a rough ball, with raised, bumpy portions, and deep, wide pits. He worked hard on this ball, and the ends of His Noodly Appendages became moist with sweat, which gathered on the ball in the lower parts.

Finally, it was finished. With His Noodly Appendage, the Flying Spaghetti Monster took His ball and threw it up.

It kept going.

He extended a Noodly Appendage to retrieve it before it went too far, but decided it wasn't worth the hassle to do that every time He wanted to play catch. So He gave every object a quality that attracted every other object to it, proportional to each object's importance. (Later, scientists would overcomplicate that quality, throwing fancy words like "mass" into it. He always regarded that species as odd, for each believing they were more important than anything else, when it was obvious they were pulled to their planet.) He then halted it for Himself, as He was attracting all of the balls of fusion once more.

That done, he played catch with His new ball. That also got old, so instead, He created another ball. He then created juggling, subsequently followed by more and more balls, until he had more balls than the great big fusion furnaces. It was fun, but then He had a great idea. Throwing all of the balls above him, He span violently. Each ball came down, and, struck by one of His Appendages, spun off in a random direction.

He liked this.

But, alas, He was unsure of what next to do. In His omniscience, He created a how-to book, and read it. The first instruction to being a good deity, the book said, was to create life.

He was confused, so He read more.

"Pick three random words from the list below," the book said, "and create objects that you feel reflect that word." Then it gave twenty or thirty really random words.

He closed His eyes, and extended three Noodly Appendages to the book. When He opened them, He was pointing to "midget", "trees", and "mountains". Immediately, ideas flashed through His head, and His Appendages spun and twirled and lo! there was a midget.

The midget gasped, and promptly asphyxiated.

Yeah, it's got a wonky voice, I know that. But damn, was it fun to write.
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Postby _Tex_ on Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:09 am

you write very well, reminiscent of both the discworld and hitchhikers...
ACOUSTIC WEAPONRY- making really loud noises for His Noodley self
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Postby The Chaplain on Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:19 am

Reminds me of 'The Politically Correct Guide to the Bible'
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:20 am

say, that would be a good version of it.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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Postby Solipsy on Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:34 pm

You are forgiven for starting your own thread. Just don't get all big-headed about it. FYI, the appropriate thread would have been GENESIS/HISTORY. :wink: And for FSM's sake, keep going or I will stalk you and coat you in hot alfredo.

There was no sauce involved.


You're apocryphal on this point, however. The ancient texts refer to copious amounts of sauce, although there is disagreement as to whether it was a smooth or chunky marinara, and the specific garlic content is seldom mentioned.

If you have come across source-texts which suggest in translation that no sauce was involved, you may be mistaking the word "ashtaisjf" *sex* for "ashteissjf" *sauce*. A common and understandable mistake -- there was no sex involved. Consult your source scrolls.

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Postby Solipsy on Tue Oct 11, 2005 3:19 pm

And so it came to pass that the copying and the pasting of the posting of the writing, as it did appear thus far in this thread, was done. And the FSM looked down, and His Great Noodly Appendages did quiver with saucy delight. And he did proclaimeth: "Cool. So Far, So Good." Thus spake Our Lord in Marinara.

It was proclaimed throughout that Boards of His Holy Discussion that the Divinely Inspired Writing should not cease, but rather should continue, for to Him, it is most pleasing. And yea, His humble galleyscribe Solipsy did toss and turn upon the seas of the keyboard at all unreasonable hours, and did gather the writings of the inspired, and did organize them and nit-pick them, but not without permission, and did seek to credit them, and will be in touch with the writers of them if any questions ariseth, and doth encourage said writers for to do the same.

Thus did the proclamation end, but the writing better not.
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Tue Oct 11, 2005 4:14 pm

i know this is off topic, but solipsy, do you ever think of jazzing up the proclomations? try using Valley girl, Bork Bork Bork, or Jive translator that DaveL found.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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Postby Solipsy on Tue Oct 11, 2005 5:28 pm

I like to be able to find them quickly, using the search function. It would be fun to jazz em up, but alas, work is work. *sigh*
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Postby DaveL on Tue Oct 11, 2005 6:09 pm

Qwerty,

I was thinking of doing a poem in Bork Bork Bork style. Like a Midget Holy Ode or similar. Tolkein always wrote his poems in elvish or dwarfish and I had no idea what he was talking about. It would be a good spoof.

That damn translator is just too funny not to use. I'm not even sure what Valley Girl is (me being dumb Aussie here), but if it sounds funny do it!

http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/jbc/home/chef.html

Solipsy and I discussed that the use of Jive Speak may be a bit insensitive. So I changed Midgets to Swedish Chef.

I'll see what I can Bork out!
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Tue Oct 11, 2005 7:21 pm

guud idea Defe-a. Meybe-a ve-a cuoold jezz it up fur suleepsy, su she-a cuoold steell hefe-a her leettle-a checkpueents, und ve-a cun loogh et her pusts in sveedeesh cheff und jeefe-a. ooh, felley gurl is, i theenk, besceeelly zee stoopeed peeece-a ooff velkeeng stoopeedity thet is zee "pupooler gurl" in zee schuul. oor sumetheeng leeke-a thet. oor meybe-a its joost jeefe-a fur gurls veet "geg me-a veet a peetchffurk" iferyvhere-a. Bork Bork Bork!

burkeeffy me-a cep'n
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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Postby Solipsy on Tue Oct 11, 2005 9:01 pm

Um, like, DUDE, Qwerty, dude, you are so totally bogus on your bogus response to DaveL. Like, Valley Girls are so NOT stupid, Okay? Like, NOT. And Dude, for your information, so you'll like, totally know, okay, Valley Girls originated in Cali, okay??? Like, NOT just in high schools and NOT just anywhere in the rest of the country - gag me with a spoon! Specifically, in gnarly places like L.A., totally cool. Awesome, dude. So, like, now you know, OKAY?
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Wed Oct 12, 2005 2:31 pm

vell surry. i seeed i THOOoGHT zeey vere-a leeke-a thet. Mun, I heeghly duoobt yuoo ere-a a Felley Gurl yuoorselff, leeke-a, Suleepsy. und iff i em vrung, fer shoore-a, mey i be-a geged by a peetchffurk. Bork Bork Bork!

heh, swedish valley girl.
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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Postby Solipsy on Wed Oct 12, 2005 4:39 pm

Qwerty, yer just so darned cute! I want to pinch you on the cheek and tussle your hair!
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Wed Oct 12, 2005 5:09 pm

err... how do you come to this conclusion?
daftbeaker wrote:But if I stop bugging you I'll have to go back to arguing with Qwerty about whether beauty is truth and precisely what we both mean by 'purple' :moon:


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Postby Solipsy on Wed Oct 12, 2005 6:14 pm

Shaman Qwerty,

I factor in several variables:

1. You are still in school, which doubtlessly makes you quite a bit younger than me, unless you are in advanced Post-Doctoral work or 23rd grade.

2. You do and say a lot of goofy things, like using a Swedish Chef random generator.

3. You let most of us jibe you (okay, me more than anyone else jibe you) without going ballistic, and are actually kind of sweet about it.

4. We had determined elsewhere in an earlier thread that you are in fact a proud geek, something which I believe makes you especially darling.

5. I take it no one has explained to you that mods can see through users' computer screens. Granted, I only have limited mod ability, and can thus only see a third of the left side of your face, but if you'll lean a bit to the right, I'll have a better idea. (Auntie Dee Dee knows when you're typing naked. She's an Admin.)
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