I was a-stting in me cabin, in the early hours of the dog watch, watching the dog, and a-fillin in me "bringing loot back to Britain" paperwork when I realised I'd got a problem. There be a new form this year all about employment diversity quotas. Normally we'd sail past it, but there was a bit of a flap last year so they'll be going through it with a fine tooth comb this time. (basically I sort of misunderstood the fine print of the "workplace dispute resolution" guidelines, and went straight to keelhauling, bypassing the verbal and written warnings stages). Probably would have been overlooked if it hadn't been an admiral's son on work experience.
Anyway looking around the crew, with Blind Pugh, Hooky Horatio, Dyslexic Donald, Spotty Dick and Male Pattern Baldness Eric, I reckon I'm alright on the differently-abled quota front.
Half me crew's gay, or prepared to compromise two months out, so that's ok. We've got more violent ex-offenders than a university sociology course, and I think we're alright on the ethnic diversity front. Gone are the days when the crew all had the same mothers, fathers, wives etc. Now we've got one bloke who's not even from Cornwall at all (though he do look a bit nervous).
No me problem's women. You can search me ship from bow to stern and not find a single pair of impractical shoes (not counting Cross-Dressing Cyril). I know what you're thinking, he's gone mad, they'll put scatter cushions on the mess deck, spend hours in the bathroom before important skirmishes, and get taken hostage when the plot starts to flag. I don't care, Oive got to meet me quotas, and is determined to give women a fair crack of the whip, in fact I's looking forward to it.
And there's no-one left alive who'll say I'm not a fair man.
I'll be a carting Her Majesty's share of the loot past Tower Hill on me way to the Treasury soon, and I don't want me head to end up on a spike like those other unfortunates who dared to transgress the civil service guidelines on diversity in the workplace.
So capns and ladies, and lady capns, any ideas what will it take to get women into a career in modern pirating? Me first mate suggested a creche, but the idea sort of sank with him.
I'll be up the Old Sea Dog if you have any ideas for me.
"The Malingerer" is an equal opportunities employer which values diversity. And gold.