Pirates and Equal Opportunities

[beagle]

I was a-stting in me cabin, in the early hours of the dog watch, watching the dog, and a-fillin in me "bringing loot back to Britain" paperwork when I realised I'd got a problem. There be a new form this year all about employment diversity quotas. Normally we'd sail past it, but there was a bit of a flap last year so they'll be going through it with a fine tooth comb this time. (basically I sort of misunderstood the fine print of the "workplace dispute resolution" guidelines, and went straight to keelhauling, bypassing the verbal and written warnings stages). Probably would have been overlooked if it hadn't been an admiral's son on work experience.

Anyway looking around the crew, with Blind Pugh, Hooky Horatio, Dyslexic Donald, Spotty Dick and Male Pattern Baldness Eric, I reckon I'm alright on the differently-abled quota front.

Half me crew's gay, or prepared to compromise two months out, so that's ok. We've got more violent ex-offenders than a university sociology course, and I think we're alright on the ethnic diversity front. Gone are the days when the crew all had the same mothers, fathers, wives etc. Now we've got one bloke who's not even from Cornwall at all (though he do look a bit nervous).

No me problem's women. You can search me ship from bow to stern and not find a single pair of impractical shoes (not counting Cross-Dressing Cyril). I know what you're thinking, he's gone mad, they'll put scatter cushions on the mess deck, spend hours in the bathroom before important skirmishes, and get taken hostage when the plot starts to flag. I don't care, Oive got to meet me quotas, and is determined to give women a fair crack of the whip, in fact I's looking forward to it.
And there's no-one left alive who'll say I'm not a fair man.

I'll be a carting Her Majesty's share of the loot past Tower Hill on me way to the Treasury soon, and I don't want me head to end up on a spike like those other unfortunates who dared to transgress the civil service guidelines on diversity in the workplace.

So capns and ladies, and lady capns, any ideas what will it take to get women into a career in modern pirating? Me first mate suggested a creche, but the idea sort of sank with him.

I'll be up the Old Sea Dog if you have any ideas for me.

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"The Malingerer" is an equal opportunities employer which values diversity. And gold.

[The Black Spot]

Yaarr

Tis time we had a few comely wenches to splice the mainbrace with. Don't need none like that Anne Bonney though - 'twere a right rough old tart.

These 'ere are me suggestions to get the maidens to lay alongside:

Flexible plundering hours
Lighter treasure chests
Childcare dubloons
High heeled peg-legs

If this don't get 'em into me hammock, I don't know what will.

[beagle]

Those be fine suggestions matey. I was thinking little plastic umbrellas in the grog, and swabbing the place clean more than once a decade too.

Aaaarrrrr

[DaveL]

Arrrr...

There's nuthin' like usin' yer parrot to whistle a few pickup lines.

Ey' also find showin tavern wenches your prosthetic hook and peg leg
can send em wild. If that fails give 'em a big pirate grin (with yer knocked out teeth).

Once you've wooed them, it's sure to add a gyroscopic effect to the ship when yer out at sea.

Honestly eym not to sure if we'll see too many she-pirates, although they'd sure be handy.

Ey'll bet they be neat and tidy and will tell yers what to do...'Put that cannon ball back where you found it.' 'Come and wash the grool of yer plates' and 'Can yer clean up after yer parrot?' They'd be real handy....YARRRRRR!

[beagle]

Yarr,

Did recruit a couple of tavern wenches but they were a saying the work was too arduous. Funny thing is I never remember seeing them on deck at all.
The only other recruit kept muttering about a glass yardarm and a-saying she had't risen as high as equivalent men. An when I put her in the crow's nest she still wasn't happy. I'm sometimes of a mind they should stick to bein head of state, prime minister and other landlubbery jobs, but it don't do to say so.

AAAAAARRRRRRRRRR.

[black bart]

Flexible plundering hours
Lighter treasure chests
Childcare dubloons
High heeled peg-legs

The black spot be right we need more wenches. I'm fed up o catching the pox every time we call in ta Portsmouth!

What if we made like those cross channel ferries and we had some o them Froggy style Bootiques on board. We could have:

Long John Lewis
Aaaarmazon
Aaaaarsda
Ann Bonny Summers
River Island
etc etc

[beagle]

Good thinking matey, but we want more upmarket wenches, who won't embarasss you when you buy a dukedom. So how about adding:

Harrrrrrrrrrrrrrvey Nicholls
ARRRRRRRmani
Versarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrce

?

[The Black Spot]

Haaaarrrrod's

[Occam]

I be having crewwomen and the first thing they be moaning about was the glass ceiling. Shiver-me-employment-tribunals. So we removed it and put in a wooden one and it be much sturdier in a tropical storm. Arrr.

[beagle]

I be thinking me approach is maybe too crude, and I should use more psychology. Maybe a dummy shop front built around the gangplank might do the trick. It's hard to make a hundred footer look like a convincing Starbucks though.

[amenabletopasta]

Arrrrr! Maybe ye should open up a Human Resources (H.Arrr) deparrrtment below decks - they should be able to 'elp with ye're recruitment problems. What's more, most o' the sorts who work in H.Arrr be women, so it be a win-win situation...

[beagle]

Good idea matey, they can go in the brig between the Public Relations and Corporate Governance Compliance departments.
I've never worked out what those blighters do , but they stop some of the smaller cannonballs.

Arrrr.

[The Black Spot]

be thinking me approach is maybe too crude, and I should use more psychology. Maybe a dummy shop front built around the gangplank might do the trick. It's hard to make a hundred footer look like a convincing Starbucks though.

Good thinking shipmate. Though be hard to inspire terror in yer victims when the boarding party is swinging across from a shoe shop and a nail bar.

Yaaaaarrrr...

[beagle]

Though be hard to inspire terror in yer victims when the boarding party is swinging across from a shoe shop and a nail bar.

I be drawing up a list of potential women recruits designed to inspire terror. So far's I've got Lady Thatcher and Anne Widdecombe, but to be honest they scares me too.

[teripie]

Arrrrrrr! If'n ye got the treasure I see no problem gettin' them wenches! I always find meself attrcted to shiny things and what cud be more appealin' than a big gold earring???