Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board Proceedings

[DaveL]

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD was indeed keen for a hanging.

'Prosecutor please call your first witness'

Your honour I call the Piratica Football Coach Auntie Dee Dee to the stands.

'Auntie Dee Dee, you were recently in charge of Piratica during the World Cup. During the lead up, there were several unusual incidents involving Russian Mafia betting rings, Uzi toting gangsters and illegal drugs entering players water bottles. Am I correct?'...

[DaveL]

'Very well'said Judge Pru. 'We shall accept your evidence as submission'
'Next witness please Prosecutor' said Judge Pru, as she winked at the hangman at the back of the court.

Your Honour 'I'd like to call...

[black bart]

...I'd like to call Capn Dipstick who was baninated 10 months ago for consistantly being uncouth and sordid...Capn Dipstick yer honour...

[DaveL]

'Capn Dipstick, can I call you Dip for short? said the prosecutor.

'*!&@** oath you can matey. Call me what ever the ^&*#@ you like' he replied.

'When did you first encounter Boris and what's your association with him since?

'*&^@@@ !#$% 12 months ago I was in the Port of Vladivostok. Biggest %^&* hole I've ever come across. This weird lookin %^&^*&% spiv bribed his way onto me vessel the 'HMS Big Dipper'

'Take me to Portsmouth for 1 million roubles' Comrade Dipstick he said

'He was uncouth as my most uncouth moments of uncouthness and had some seriously $%^^%#&* illegal stuff in his travel bag...

[black bart]

"Captain Dip can you please keep your language civil whilst you are under oath?"

Dip: "I'll give you ****** oaths you ****** toffee nosed son of a ****..."

[DaveL]

'Order in the Court' said Judge Pru

'Capn Dip, what has been your association with Boris since landing in Portsmouth?' 'Did you assist Boris in the circulation of illicit materials?

'Err, well...he offered me a 100,000 dubloon salary to help him muscle in on X$^&** Playbilge'

'Counsel for the defence Mr Noddy Pertwhistle, do you wish to cross examine Capn Dip?'...

[black bart]

Yes, thank you your honour...

Mr Noddy Pertwhistle: "Capn Dip at the time of your bannination is it not true that you were involved in an art house movie project involving the Russian mafia, and was this project not to be a film heavily influenced by Francis Ford Coppola's Godfather?"

Dip: Er...I don't know what...Godfather?

Mr P: "Let me refresh your memory Capn Dip, the film was to be entitled...The Auntie!!!!!"

[DaveL]

'Thankyou that will be all Capn Dipstick, said Judge Pru

The next witness will be...

[walktheplank]

...."Cap'n of the Piratica Football Team Dave L"

"Objection" yelled the Counsel for the Defence Nobby Pertwhistle "Dave L is a known associate of Boris and as is messy hands in all of Boris's dirty little schemes, he is hardly going to testify against him"

"Objection denied" said Lady Pru " This is speculation, please continue Prosecutor"

"Dave L describe your relationship to the defendant" said the Prosecutor

"yarr e be a double crossing, scheming evil blaggard an I be aving im hung, drawn an quartered if I git the chance" said Dave L

"Mmmn pretty conclusive evidence I think" said Lady Pru "Do you wish to cross examine the witness Mr Pertwhistle"......

[black bart]

Voice from the back of the court:

"Can anyone remember who the bleedin ell is on trial ere?"

[DaveL]

'Boris вы будете нашим героем. Boris длиной в реальном маштабе времени!! (Boris you are our hero, Long Live Boris)' yelled the Transnitrian National Mens choir, who stacked the galleries in support of their hero.

Next their conductor stood up in the court and the entire choir sung the soccer anthem Go West:

'Идет западная жизнь мирна там идет на запад в открытый воздух идет на запад где небеса голубы идут на запад это мы будем gonna делаем'

'CLEAR THE COURT ROOM!!' screamed Judge Pru. 'I hate the Pet Shop Boys!!'

'Send that Spiv to the gallows he's guilty as charged'

[black bart]

Voice from the back of the Court:

There isn't a spiv in the Pet Shop Boys!

[OZ_Nick]

Judge Pru glared at the owner of the voice from the back of the courtroom and said in a deadly cool voice "Well, you better find one then, or else it will be you that gets a neck stretch..."

[black bart]

The owner of the voice from the back of the court gulped...

"Well er...now I think about it, er, the one with the Tartan trousers looked a bit spivvy!"

[The Black Spot]

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD went to bang her gavel, but she couldn't raise her arm because of the squash of people in the courthouse.

"Bailiff!" she shouted. "Where did all these people come from?"

"I'm sorry M'Lady, but they all seem to have bought dodgy tickets on the black market for the trial."

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD was furious. With an effort she pointed her finger at a grinning, buck toothed man in the crowd.

"You!" she screamed. "Who sold you a ticket?"

The buck toothed man pointed an accusing finger at...