Whinging Pensioner Pirate Rant

[black bart]

BBBAARRR...don't talk to me about News Papers. In my day we had proper News Papers, none o this tabloid trash. They were printed on Triple Elephant size paper and ye could use em as a sail! Never mind Fish n Chips Ye could eat Whale and Chips out of em!

[DaveL]

Ye could eat Whale and Chips out of em!

YArrrr...

Leave Brenda's mates alone yer blaggards! In my day, Oi used ter go fishing without a net.

Oi used to position me Arggghhh 7500 over a shoal of fish, dive in and catch 'em with me teeth.

[black bart]

GGGAARRR, Ye ave a woman's teeth...

I'll wager those teeth never had to bite their way through 4 inches of Spanish Steel to escape the clutches o The Spanish Inquisition's suprise comfy chair attack!

[Griffin]

In my young days yer culd get anythin mended. Now Oi cant get me peg leg fixed fer any price. Got ter buy a whole damned new un. No wunder thers such trubles wiv Pirates fightin each other to grab all the tresure.

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

Speakin of galleons, what's with all these fully imported el-cheapo galleons they be makin' in Korea. That 'Hyun-dog' has plastic everything: plastic sails, plastic masts, plastic anchors, plastic cannons.

Getting a 5 year warrantee and air-conditioning will do yer no good if yer gotta engage in a naval battle. Yer ship'll end up meltin'...YArrrr..!!

[DaveL]

YArrrr...

O'id say you'd be referrin to Big Ron there Lord Gainless Sidedish Poutboddy.

Damn feisty that one, especially after a big night on the chilli. Stay away from the docks by all means.

Back in my day, the Big Ron's were so powerful, we could power a large factory with one.

[black bart]

YYYAAARRRR...The wind were far more consistant in my day...we had beans for lunch, beans for dinner and beans for breakfast (and fourteen tankards of Hangman's Tipple)!!!

[The Black Spot]

Back in my day we 'ad proper 3D, not all flat like it is now.

Mind you, that was before I 'ad an eyepatch...

[walktheplank]

yarrr in my day you could go out fer some grog and leave yer ship unguarded an know fer sure that it would be ransacked by the time yer got back.

Nowadays yer could leave a big sign on yer ship saying no one at home an still no blaggard will rob yer. Pirates av it to good nowadays, they don't need to pillage an plunder evry night loike in the good ol days.

[DaveL]

YArrrrr...

Back in my day sportin a Codpiece was a major artform. These days yer young blaggard thinks it's a dish from swanky resturant and will ask if it comes with a glass of wine.

What ever happened to yer good ole enhancer?

[The Black Spot]

Back in my day, we 'ad proper taverns. Places where ye could get absolutely bladdered for less than a groat, an enjoy a good punch-up afterwards.

Nowadays it's all poncy wine bars an' theme taverns. And they let wenches an' kids in.

[walktheplank]

yarr back in my day we used to send the youngest cabin boy up to the crows nest to tell us where the land was. We lost a few in heavy seas specially if a gust of wind blew them off when they were climbing up the rigging.

Nowadays the aspiring Pirate has Computerised Navigation Systems linked to a Space Satelite, no need for a crows nest now.

aaargh things are not what they used to be.

[black bart]

YYAARRR...In my day we had cabin boys...

[The Black Spot]

In my day we 'ad proper victims. Noblemen in powdered wigs 'oo would whimper an' plead proper like. Nowadays they wave their copy of the Human Rights Act at yer.

(Don't do 'em no good though).

[black bart]

YYYAAARRR...and what appened to a good old maroonin...

Nowadays ye can't find an island what aint covered in hotels and restaurants. I marooned me First Mate Benn Gun Junior last year and I keeps gettin 'Wish you were ere' postcards from him with pictures o speciality cheese on em!