Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board Proceedings

[DaveL]

State your name Sir.

'YArrrrr...me name is Ronald McGregor or Big Ron.'

And what is your occupation.

'Well..yer honour I'm the local butcher Oi be a fine purveyor of Portsmouth quality meats'

The prosecution began their examination.

'Mr McGregor, you have some very bad bodily habits. Would you like to outline them for the court'. 'Objection yer honour! Big Ron's methane emissions have no relevance to this court' said the defence. 'Only to global warming'.

'Sustained' said Judge Pru. 'Continue'

'On the night before the ill fated voyage of the Argghh 9001, where were you?' said the prosecutor.

'Well Oi'd just finished servin me last customer...a fine cut lamb chop as Oi recall.' An ole colleague Don, invited me for an ale at the Drunken Mermaid' said Big Ron (excuse me...sorry).

'Was there anything unusual about that night?' said the prosecutor.

'Yes, Sir, I saw Captain Hossenfeffer go into the mens loo. A moment later a ghostly lookin figure followed him in (oops, beg your pardon).'

'And is that ghostly looking figure present in this courtroom?' said the presecutor

Yes Sir...(oops, pardon me)...it was him...

[black bart]

What with the heavy brown cloud surrounding Ron and the sickly green mist surrounding Cronan, it was becoming difficult to see in the Court Room!

"Could someone please open the windows?" called Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD.

[The Black Spot]

The bailiff tried to pull up the bottom half of the sash window, but it was stuck.

"Having trouble getting it up?" Ron shouted.

The bailiff said "I'm sorry, but can someone give me a hand?"

"Stay where you are," yelled Big Ron. "I'll come over and give you one."

"I must apologise for my witness," said the prosecutor. "You see, Ron inhabits the Salty Tale region of Portsmouth. He lives in a world of innuendo and double entendres."

"That's right," said Ron. "I'm always up for one."

"Hmm..." said Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. "Can you tell us what happened when you first boarded the Arrrrghh 9001?"

"Well," said Ron. "I was carrying a sack of supplies onto deck. I didn't open it at first, because I don't like getting my meat out in cold weather."

"Hmmm..."

"But then the bottom of my bag split, and I asked someone for some help. But he just walked over and trod on my sausage."

"Hmmmm..."

"Just then, I looked across and saw the cook preparing a turkey for the oven. It looked like he was using a very poor quality stuffing; luckily I had a superior product in my bag. Oi! I shouted to him. You want me to come over there and give your bird a good stuffing?"

"Hmmmmm..." said Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. "Is this testimony ever going to get to the point?"

"Unfortunately," said the prosecutor, "in Ron's world things never stay on the same subject for more than a couple of lines. He's used to things being all important at one moment, and then forgotten and never mentioned again later."

"Let me try a direct question," said Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. "Mr Ron, did you see Cap'n Cronan sink this ship or not?"

"So you asking me if Cap'n Cronan could keep it up, or did he go immediately to the bottom?"

With that, the bailiff opened the courtroom doors and threw Ron out by his...

[black bart]

...sausage sacks! Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD banged her gavel down so hard the head flew off and passed straight through Captain Cronan!

The judge continued:

"I've never heard such a pile of festering Bilge in all my days as an officer of the law...you're all a heap of undigested weevil droppings...and as for you Cronan, you're nothing but a biscuit suckin lumpfish, and, and you, Walktheplank you're a gap toothed maggot chewin' galley rat, and you, the Black Spot Twood be a waste o Bilge water to wash yer scabby face! and...

To everyone's horror they realised that the judge had contracted a terrible case of Cross thread insult challenge itis!

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD was helped from the Court room still spouting an endless tirade of Pirate insults:

Arrr, take that back yer snot swillin' slime monkey....
I've heard more sense from a Weevil ye Big Stinky Pants!...
Arrr, when they cut yer gammy leg off, they threw the wrong bit away...

Her voice trailed off into the distance and then a shot was heard...

'yer bog snufflin' maggit muncher' had been too much for Dr Otis Lancer who'd shot her!

[Griffin]

Dr Lotis Dancer flung open the courtroom doors, squashing several weevils. In is arms e ad the limp body of Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. A trickle of blood was dripping from er left foot. "Is ther a doctor in the ouse" e asked..........

[walktheplank]

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD walked unsteadily back to her seat "Please do forgive me, I attended a football match earlier this week and this kind gentleman that I met gave me a funny cigarette, I feel much better now thank you and I think we should now press on with this case without further ado"

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD shuffled her papers “I do believe that there is a good case against Cap’n Cronan, you only have to look at him to deduce what an evil, lying dirty, stinking blaggard he is, not that I want to prejudice the judgement of course. I find it strange that the prosecution seem quite incapable of providing a credible witness who can substantiate their case, however we must press onâ€￾

“It is time for the defence to make their case, Cap’n Cronan I understand you intend to represent yourself you horrible scheming apparition, please continue as I want you hung before the day is outâ€￾

[black bart]

All eyes turned toward Cronan who, shrouded in mist as he was, cut a ghastly figure. It was so silent in the Court Room you could hear a very small cocktail stick in the shape of a cutlass drop. A bell began to toll, the sound seeming to come from the depths of the ocean itself. Still Cronan made no reply.

[The Black Spot]

"Have you nothing to say?" asked Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD.

Cap'n Cronan just lounged against the wall of the dock, studying his fingernails.

"I've never seen such insolence!" shouted Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. "I'll have you hung!"

Cronan raised his gaze and stared levelly at Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small piece of paper. He passed it to the judge.

The court was silent as Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD unwrapped the message from Cronan. She looked at it, and the blood drained from her face.

The paper fluttered to the ground, and there was a gasp as the public gallery saw what it contained...

It was the Black Fish Head.

[black bart]

An atmosphere of hushed awe decended on the court house...

The Black Fish Head was a step up in Pirate lore from the dreaded Black Spot...

Only once before had a Black Fish Head exchanged hands in the history of Piracy...and that was stuff of legend. The Black Spot meant the recipient was deposed as Captain and was almost certainly a death sentence. The Black Fish Head meant...actually no one had a bleeding clue what it meant...but it was something pretty ghastly.

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD staggered back and collapsed into the arms of an official.

A strange evil laughter began to emanate from the mist enshrouded Cronan striking a chill into the hearts of everyone present.

[The Black Spot]

A court usher came running into the court with a heavy volume in his hands.

"Here," he shouted. "It's listed in here!"

Everyone gathered around the ancient book. The usher flicked through the pages until he reached 'B'. "There!" Someone called. "Look there..."

Black Fish Head, The
An ancient evil icon from the pirate world. It is alleged to bring pain, torment and disaster to the recipient. This, however, is only a matter of conjecture as in recent times the BlacK Fish Head has been used as a diversionary tactic. Typically, it is used by someone in a courtcase to direct attention away from themselves as they make good their escape.

Legend has it that the greatest exponent of the BFH gambit is the notorious Cap'n Cronan. On several occasions he has thwarted...

They looked up to see the dock empty. Everyone rushed to the window just in time to see a fog shrouded ship sailing towards the open sea.

Lord Judge Superior N. Owitall Bar stomped into the court once more.

"You've done it again!" he shouted. "Pull yourself together and get someone hanged, will you!"

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD recovered her composure and took a deep breath.

"The Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board calls...."

[DaveL]

...Boris Vasily Blagoevgradovich to the stands.

'YArrr...Oi think you'd better up the security for this one your honour.' said Bart.

Prosecutor, please read the charges:

Ahem...

Your honour, it is alleged that the defendant is charged with the following:

1. Illegally taking over Playbilge Magazine and down grading the content to ummmmm...extremely illicit material yer honour;

2. Spamming the Portsmouth bill boards with illicit material;

3. Illegal fixing of Piratica Soccer matches, for which he was previously charged;

4. Escaping the Russian authorities and setting up a 'Dirty Bomb' making facility in the old Soviet Republic of Tranistria;

5. Several mysterious disappearances of business associates.

[black bart]

A voice shouted from the back of the court:

6. Buggering up Satelite Communication equipment and sellin it from messrs 'Wherethefarquarwenow & Co'.

[Griffin]

And another voice

7. Making fake time-aged material to prove the origins of certain recipes.

[OZ_Nick]

Yet another...

8. Makin' poor qualty imitashun counterfeet peg legs and ruinin the business ov an' 'onest pirate!

[black bart]

...and another

Zees iz all nonsensky...I always make ze bombskis clean! Free vodka or plutonium anyone?