Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board Proceedings

[The Black Spot]

An angular figure drifted through the mist that had suddenly appeared in the courtroom, and took his place in the dock.

The court bailiff stepped forward.

"You are Captain Jonah Cronan, also known as "Davy Jones' Recruiter", "The Ghoul of Portsmouth", and "The Nun of Dresden"?

"I am." Cronan's voice had a curious, crackling quality. It was the voice of something that had been dead a long time, or perhaps it was just someone who's had too much booze and too many cigarettes.

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD read out the charges:

"Cap'n Cronan, you are charged with being a serial sinker, a menace to shipping, and a scarer of children and horses. How do you plead?"

Cap'n Cronan just stood there, nonchalantly chewing a fish head.

"I'll take that as a 'not guilty'," said Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. "Prosecutor, call your first witness."

"M'Lady, I call...

[black bart]

Crikey...Shiver me timbers...batten the hatches...

Somebody please check the foundations o the Court House...I'm sure I felt a list to starboard when Cronan walked in!

[DaveL]

...the recently escaped and gallows bound Capn DaveL.

The prosecution begun it's examination. 'Capn DaveL you were recently employed by the Arggghhh Shipping Werks to undertake a trial of a secret prototype galleon the 'Arghhh 9001' off the English channel.'

'YArrrr...that be correct sir' said DaveL

'Which test Captain was assigned belatedly to skipper the Arggh 9001?' Immediately, DaveL pointed to Cronan.

How did the Arrrrgggh Shipping Werks appoint Cronan to yer vessel?

'Oi have no idea sir, another skipper Captain Hossenfefer was found bound and gagged in a latrine at the Drunken Mermaid.'

So tell us what happened when the Arggghh 9001 left Portsmouth Harbour?

[Griffin]

The Arggghh 9001 be fitted wiv a Computerised Sat Nav system from 'Weather, Farquarweenow and Co. So be Black Bart's ship. Black Bart's ship be spinning an always eds off for Russia. The Arggghh 9001 be always sailing zig zag like an kep missin Black Bart's ship by a Tiddle's wisker. Black Bart got is sails in a twist an, well, that be wot started it off like, me lady.

[walktheplank]

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD banged her gaval

"Enough of this technical babble, for the benefit of the court I understand the prosecutor has called an independant witness who is an expert on Ship Navigation systems and can interpret the testimony in a manner that the jury and I might add myself can understand"

The prosecutor uttered a nervous laugh "Yes yer onour I would like to call our technical expert The Black Spot"

[The Black Spot]

The prosecutor addressed the witness.

"Now, Captain. I don't wish this hearing to get too technical, so can you tell the court your considered opinion of the Computerised Satellite Navigation system from 'Weather, Farquarweenow and Co.' In plain English, please."

The Black Spot took a deep breath and launched into a fearful stream of oaths, curses, vile invective and descriptions of obscene physical impossibilities. The paint started to peel off the courtroom walls.

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD sighed.

"Not quite so plain," she said. "Proscecutor, would you rephrase the question for the witness."

"Certainly," said the prosecutor. "Tell us Captain, is it any good?"

"No. It be the bastid son o' a tor..."

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD banged her gavel. "So Captain - er- Spot, you're saying that Cap'n Cronan cannot be held responsible for the faulty navigation of the Aaaaarrgghh 9001?"

"What? Cronan use a machine? The only gadget 'ee can operate is a lifeboat release mechanism."

"So what was the cause of this disaster?" asked Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD

"I thought that be obvious," said Spot. He pointed towards the public gallery. "There be yer culprit...

[walktheplank]

...At this point things happened very fast.

Black Bart jumped up in the air and shouted "Its a lie, The Black Spot lies, he should be in dock yer honour he is in collusion with Cap'n C....."

The Black Spot quick as flash hurled his cutlass towards Black Bart, however it missed and hit a Court Clerk who crumpled to the floor in a heap. Meanwhile Bart fled the court room with his accusatory words hanging over the courtroom.

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD raised her voice "Mr Prosecutor I will hold you personally responsible if any more of my staff are murdered which seems to be an unfortunate habit when you are in my court room. Now I understand the counsel for the defence would like to cross examine the prosecutor's witness, where is, in fact who is the counsel for the defence."....

[black bart]

Black Bart nervously returned to the court room when he realised The Black Spot hadn't been pointing towards him...he was getting a bit jumpy these days!

The Black Spot had infact been pointing the accusing finger at...

[The Black Spot]

E. RASER!

[black bart]

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD raised her voice once again:

"Call Mr E Razer to the witness stand at once. This really is an outrageous business and we need someone who can explain concisely, succsinctly and in Plain English what in the name of heaven is going on in this case!"

[Griffin]

Lord Cap'n Treadmill popped up from under the bench. "Yer asking fer E.Raser's testimany? One of em ships - but I don't knows as which one - entered the Litani River - he be tellin that tale ERE an a roight tale it be."

Lord Cap'n Treadmill sunk underneath the bench again.

[The Black Spot]

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD perked up as E.Raser took the stand. "Perhaps I can make some sense of this at last," she thought.

"You are E.Raser?"

E.Raser nodded briefly.

"Can you tell us, Mr Raser, what occurred on board Cap'n Cronan's ship?"

E.Raser nodded excitedly, and bent forward to speak:

"If all the Universes are 5 or 6 or 7 or 8.......3x8 = 24 FSM cry
May be that He has its own Universe, Universe Mother, where the time is circular ,and this Universe is too much large for beiing only HE.
Believe in FSM is the Universe was an eresy of the XIII century.
:compute: :compute: :compute: :compute: :compute: :compute:"

"WHAT?"

"I believe that 3 eggs are not equal to the bread.
But because I do not have the truth and follow the method of Popper, please try the CARBONARA with only one egg and tell me how it does feel.
I do not.
I prefer 3 eggs."

"You're talking nonsense!"

"No, unfortunately I do not know that what I say it is a non sense.
For me it is very very linear, and that is the problem."

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD clutched at her head.

"What was Cronan's destination?" she asked desperately.

"A pirate con go where is the smell of gold.
the light of gold improves the sight and makes better adversaries," said E.Raser cheerfully. "3:04:04 GMT !
because we want to send a message of 1x10^15 GeV to string central, who do not use computer mail."

"Bailiff, remove this man!"

"I hope to find 300 men,weighing more than 80 kg/each, for a jump of 1 m, to send message to the central string, who knows hidden traesures.
Be patient.
there are other events ,too"

"GET RID OF HIM!"

E.Raser was dragged from the courtroom while shouting about dead swans and the Nun of Dresden.

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD's hands shook. Things must start to get better soon, she thought. Just then, the prosecution called its next witness...

[black bart]

Call 'The Landlord of the Pilchard Inn, Cornwall - A Mr Samuel Trelawny.

In walked as salty a Sea Dog as ye've ever seen. Between his beard and his souwester not a jot could be seen of his face. The smell of Fish and Lobsters emanated from the witness stand as Trelawny took the stand.

The prosecution began the questioning:

"So Mr Trelawny, what can you tell us of Capn Cronan?"

Trelawny:

"AARRRR....YYYAAARRR....Me Dears....AAARRRGH.....Cider with Rosie...YYYAAARRR....Cronan...GGGAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

At this point Trelawny made the sign of the cross and then continued:

"AARRRR....YYYAAARRR....Me Dears....AAARRRGH.....Misty....GGGAAARRR...All the Grog....YYYAAARRRR...Ghostly.....Glug Glug...YYYYYAAAAARRRRRR!

[walktheplank]

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD banged her gavel

"Oh this is preposterous, does the prosecution have any intention of calling up a witness, who can substantiate the charges brought against Cap'n Cronan, in fact someone who can converse in English would do for starters"

"Well yer onour, there is someone we would like to call but we only said we'll call im in an emergency loike"

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD stood up and glared at the prosecutor "Well this is an emergency Mr Prosecutor, I would like this case concluded before the turn of the century"

"In that case yer onour I would like to call Big Ron"

[black bart]

There was a terrific farting noise from the lobby and four of the court ushers fell gasping and spluttering into the court room!