Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board Proceedings

Arrr, I be a pirate!

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Postby The Black Spot on Mon Aug 07, 2006 9:25 am

The prosecutor addressed the witness.

"Now, Captain. I don't wish this hearing to get too technical, so can you tell the court your considered opinion of the Computerised Satellite Navigation system from 'Weather, Farquarweenow and Co.' In plain English, please."

The Black Spot took a deep breath and launched into a fearful stream of oaths, curses, vile invective and descriptions of obscene physical impossibilities. The paint started to peel off the courtroom walls.

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD sighed.

"Not quite so plain," she said. "Proscecutor, would you rephrase the question for the witness."

"Certainly," said the prosecutor. "Tell us Captain, is it any good?"

"No. It be the bastid son o' a tor..."

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD banged her gavel. "So Captain - er- Spot, you're saying that Cap'n Cronan cannot be held responsible for the faulty navigation of the Aaaaarrgghh 9001?"

"What? Cronan use a machine? The only gadget 'ee can operate is a lifeboat release mechanism."

"So what was the cause of this disaster?" asked Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD

"I thought that be obvious," said Spot. He pointed towards the public gallery. "There be yer culprit...
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Postby walktheplank on Mon Aug 07, 2006 9:53 am

...At this point things happened very fast.

Black Bart jumped up in the air and shouted "Its a lie, The Black Spot lies, he should be in dock yer honour he is in collusion with Cap'n C....."

The Black Spot quick as flash hurled his cutlass towards Black Bart, however it missed and hit a Court Clerk who crumpled to the floor in a heap. Meanwhile Bart fled the court room with his accusatory words hanging over the courtroom.

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD raised her voice "Mr Prosecutor I will hold you personally responsible if any more of my staff are murdered which seems to be an unfortunate habit when you are in my court room. Now I understand the counsel for the defence would like to cross examine the prosecutor's witness, where is, in fact who is the counsel for the defence."....
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Jumpy

Postby black bart on Mon Aug 07, 2006 10:00 am

Black Bart nervously returned to the court room when he realised The Black Spot hadn't been pointing towards him...he was getting a bit jumpy these days!

The Black Spot had infact been pointing the accusing finger at...
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby The Black Spot on Mon Aug 07, 2006 11:32 am

E. RASER!
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English

Postby black bart on Mon Aug 07, 2006 7:41 pm

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD raised her voice once again:

"Call Mr E Razer to the witness stand at once. This really is an outrageous business and we need someone who can explain concisely, succsinctly and in Plain English what in the name of heaven is going on in this case!"
The smoke wafted gently in the breeze across the poop deck and all seemed right in the world.
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Postby Griffin on Mon Aug 07, 2006 8:28 pm

Lord Cap'n Treadmill popped up from under the bench. "Yer asking fer E.Raser's testimany? One of em ships - but I don't knows as which one - entered the Litani River - he be tellin that tale ERE an a roight tale it be."

Lord Cap'n Treadmill sunk underneath the bench again.
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Postby The Black Spot on Tue Aug 08, 2006 6:31 am

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD perked up as E.Raser took the stand. "Perhaps I can make some sense of this at last," she thought.

"You are E.Raser?"

E.Raser nodded briefly.

"Can you tell us, Mr Raser, what occurred on board Cap'n Cronan's ship?"

E.Raser nodded excitedly, and bent forward to speak:

"If all the Universes are 5 or 6 or 7 or 8.......3x8 = 24 FSM cry
May be that He has its own Universe, Universe Mother, where the time is circular ,and this Universe is too much large for beiing only HE.
Believe in FSM is the Universe was an eresy of the XIII century.
:compute: :compute: :compute: :compute: :compute: :compute:"

"WHAT?"

"I believe that 3 eggs are not equal to the bread.
But because I do not have the truth and follow the method of Popper, please try the CARBONARA with only one egg and tell me how it does feel.
I do not.
I prefer 3 eggs."

"You're talking nonsense!"

"No, unfortunately I do not know that what I say it is a non sense.
For me it is very very linear, and that is the problem."

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD clutched at her head.

"What was Cronan's destination?" she asked desperately.

"A pirate con go where is the smell of gold.
the light of gold improves the sight and makes better adversaries," said E.Raser cheerfully. "3:04:04 GMT !
because we want to send a message of 1x10^15 GeV to string central, who do not use computer mail."

"Bailiff, remove this man!"

"I hope to find 300 men,weighing more than 80 kg/each, for a jump of 1 m, to send message to the central string, who knows hidden traesures.
Be patient.
there are other events ,too"

"GET RID OF HIM!"

E.Raser was dragged from the courtroom while shouting about dead swans and the Nun of Dresden.

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD's hands shook. Things must start to get better soon, she thought. Just then, the prosecution called its next witness...
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Trelawny

Postby black bart on Tue Aug 08, 2006 9:59 am

Call 'The Landlord of the Pilchard Inn, Cornwall - A Mr Samuel Trelawny.

In walked as salty a Sea Dog as ye've ever seen. Between his beard and his souwester not a jot could be seen of his face. The smell of Fish and Lobsters emanated from the witness stand as Trelawny took the stand.

The prosecution began the questioning:

"So Mr Trelawny, what can you tell us of Capn Cronan?"

Trelawny:

"AARRRR....YYYAAARRR....Me Dears....AAARRRGH.....Cider with Rosie...YYYAAARRR....Cronan...GGGAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR...

At this point Trelawny made the sign of the cross and then continued:

"AARRRR....YYYAAARRR....Me Dears....AAARRRGH.....Misty....GGGAAARRR...All the Grog....YYYAAARRRR...Ghostly.....Glug Glug...YYYYYAAAAARRRRRR!
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Postby walktheplank on Tue Aug 08, 2006 10:16 am

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD banged her gavel

"Oh this is preposterous, does the prosecution have any intention of calling up a witness, who can substantiate the charges brought against Cap'n Cronan, in fact someone who can converse in English would do for starters"

"Well yer onour, there is someone we would like to call but we only said we'll call im in an emergency loike"

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD stood up and glared at the prosecutor "Well this is an emergency Mr Prosecutor, I would like this case concluded before the turn of the century"

"In that case yer onour I would like to call Big Ron"
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
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Ron

Postby black bart on Wed Aug 09, 2006 7:09 am

There was a terrific farting noise from the lobby and four of the court ushers fell gasping and spluttering into the court room!
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Postby DaveL on Wed Aug 09, 2006 8:39 am

State your name Sir.

'YArrrrr...me name is Ronald McGregor or Big Ron.'

And what is your occupation.

'Well..yer honour I'm the local butcher Oi be a fine purveyor of Portsmouth quality meats'

The prosecution began their examination.

'Mr McGregor, you have some very bad bodily habits. Would you like to outline them for the court'. 'Objection yer honour! Big Ron's methane emissions have no relevance to this court' said the defence. 'Only to global warming'.

'Sustained' said Judge Pru. 'Continue'

'On the night before the ill fated voyage of the Argghh 9001, where were you?' said the prosecutor.

'Well Oi'd just finished servin me last customer...a fine cut lamb chop as Oi recall.' An ole colleague Don, invited me for an ale at the Drunken Mermaid' said Big Ron (excuse me...sorry).

'Was there anything unusual about that night?' said the prosecutor.

'Yes, Sir, I saw Captain Hossenfeffer go into the mens loo. A moment later a ghostly lookin figure followed him in (oops, beg your pardon).'

'And is that ghostly looking figure present in this courtroom?' said the presecutor

Yes Sir...(oops, pardon me)...it was him...
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Mist

Postby black bart on Wed Aug 09, 2006 9:32 am

What with the heavy brown cloud surrounding Ron and the sickly green mist surrounding Cronan, it was becoming difficult to see in the Court Room!

"Could someone please open the windows?" called Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD.
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Postby The Black Spot on Thu Aug 10, 2006 9:27 am

The bailiff tried to pull up the bottom half of the sash window, but it was stuck.

"Having trouble getting it up?" Ron shouted.

The bailiff said "I'm sorry, but can someone give me a hand?"

"Stay where you are," yelled Big Ron. "I'll come over and give you one."

"I must apologise for my witness," said the prosecutor. "You see, Ron inhabits the Salty Tale region of Portsmouth. He lives in a world of innuendo and double entendres."

"That's right," said Ron. "I'm always up for one."

"Hmm..." said Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. "Can you tell us what happened when you first boarded the Arrrrghh 9001?"

"Well," said Ron. "I was carrying a sack of supplies onto deck. I didn't open it at first, because I don't like getting my meat out in cold weather."

"Hmmm..."

"But then the bottom of my bag split, and I asked someone for some help. But he just walked over and trod on my sausage."

"Hmmmm..."

"Just then, I looked across and saw the cook preparing a turkey for the oven. It looked like he was using a very poor quality stuffing; luckily I had a superior product in my bag. Oi! I shouted to him. You want me to come over there and give your bird a good stuffing?"

"Hmmmmm..." said Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. "Is this testimony ever going to get to the point?"

"Unfortunately," said the prosecutor, "in Ron's world things never stay on the same subject for more than a couple of lines. He's used to things being all important at one moment, and then forgotten and never mentioned again later."

"Let me try a direct question," said Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. "Mr Ron, did you see Cap'n Cronan sink this ship or not?"

"So you asking me if Cap'n Cronan could keep it up, or did he go immediately to the bottom?"

With that, the bailiff opened the courtroom doors and threw Ron out by his...
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Sacks

Postby black bart on Thu Aug 10, 2006 10:22 am

...sausage sacks! Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD banged her gavel down so hard the head flew off and passed straight through Captain Cronan!

The judge continued:

"I've never heard such a pile of festering Bilge in all my days as an officer of the law...you're all a heap of undigested weevil droppings...and as for you Cronan, you're nothing but a biscuit suckin lumpfish, and, and you, Walktheplank you're a gap toothed maggot chewin' galley rat, and you, the Black Spot Twood be a waste o Bilge water to wash yer scabby face! and...

To everyone's horror they realised that the judge had contracted a terrible case of Cross thread insult challenge itis!

Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD was helped from the Court room still spouting an endless tirade of Pirate insults:

Arrr, take that back yer snot swillin' slime monkey....
I've heard more sense from a Weevil ye Big Stinky Pants!...
Arrr, when they cut yer gammy leg off, they threw the wrong bit away...

Her voice trailed off into the distance and then a shot was heard...

'yer bog snufflin' maggit muncher' had been too much for Dr Otis Lancer who'd shot her!
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Postby Griffin on Thu Aug 10, 2006 4:40 pm

Dr Lotis Dancer flung open the courtroom doors, squashing several weevils. In is arms e ad the limp body of Judge Lady Prunella Boadicea Springer-Spaniel Bonehart, JD, MBE, DVM, RPh, EdD. A trickle of blood was dripping from er left foot. "Is ther a doctor in the ouse" e asked..........
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