Religious Jokes Central

[Aeger]

Okay, so here's an idea, why don't we all put our religious jokes here, eh?

Okay, I'll start, thsi here I heard on a forum a while back

Forgive me, it's a long one, but worth the read:

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the
"accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful
rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so
scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder
again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as
he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He
rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him
raising his paw to kill him.

At that instant he cried out "Oh my God!" Just then, time stopped.
The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving.

A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying,
"You deny my existence all of these years, teach others I don't exist and
even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you expect me to
help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist, ever prideful, looked into the light and said "it would be
rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but
could you make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well", said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, the
sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down.

The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, "Lord I
thank you for this food which I am about to receive.

[St John the Blasphemist]

Two nuns are driving along a forest road one night, when all of a sudden, a vampire comes from out of nowhere & lands on the windshield, scaring the living daylights out of the good sisters.

Terrified, the passenger nun says "Swerve a few times! Maybe you can shake him off!" The driver nun tries this but to no avail.

"Try turning the windshield wipers on! Maybe that'll do something!" but that still didn't work.

Eventually the passenger nun says, "I know! It's a vampire! So show him your cross!"

So the driver nun stops the car, gets out, looks the vampire straight in the eye & says, "GET THE F*CK OFF MY CAR!!!"


St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Homophones

[Cricket]

Near a convent in the city, workmen are tearing up a sidewalk right outside the walls. They are prone to a bit of rough language, and it offends one of the novices sufficiently that she goes to the Mother Superior to complain. The Mother Superior, being older and more versed in the ways of the world, calmly explains to the novice that the workmen are rough and uncultured, but basically good honest salt of the earth fellows who simply call a spade a spade. The novice considers this a moment, and then replies...

"But they don't! They call it a fucking shovel!"

Sorry, best I could do on short notice...

[Aeger]

A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave.

Across the wall of the cave the following symbols were carved, in this order: A woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find, and the writings were at least three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world had come to study the ancient symbols.

They held a huge meeting, after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The president of the society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said: "This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell that they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey; so they were smart enough to train animals to help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to work with. Even further proof of their intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine had hit the earth whereby the crops didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrew."

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots! Hebrew is read from right to left. This is what it says

........... 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on That Woman!!'

[Bob the Unbeliever]

A rabbi, a preacher and a priest were all having lunch together one day, when the subject of tithing came up.

The preacher boasted that he had a fairly large circle in his office. He would toss up his salary (in cash, of course), and what landed inside the circle, he'd keep - the rest he'd give back to the church.

The priest said he used a similar method: only it was a small circle, and what landed inside that, he'd return to the church coffers.

The rabbi was the most practical. He said, "Each week, I toss the money up into the air. What G_d wants, G_d can keep for himself."

[diego]

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

"Well, what's the difference between the two?" Bill asks.

God says, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay, then," says Bill. "Let me try Hell first."

So Bill goes to Hell. It's a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the

water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun is shining, the temperatures perfect.

He is very pleased. "This is great!" he tells God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine," says God, and off they go.

Heaven is a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It's nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thinks for a quick minute and decides. "Hmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he tells God.

"Fine," replies God. "As you desire."

So Bill Gates goes to Hell. Two weeks later, God decides to check on the late billionaire to see how he is doing in Hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asks Bill.

Bill responds, his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Bill Clinton, Bill Gates and Al Gore perish in an airplane crash, and arrive in heaven to find God on his throne. When God asks Gore what he believes in, Gore answers,"well, I believe that the internal combustion engine is the root of all evil, and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole Earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God says, "OK, come and sit at my left".

Then God asks Clinton what he believes in. "Well", says Clinton, "I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should be able to tell someone else what to do". God nods and says ,"come and sit at my right".

Then He asks, "Bill Gates, what do you believe?" "I believe," says Gates, "you're in My chair".

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people -Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth!"

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really important announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."

Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, " I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God does exist, and the bad news is that He will destroy the Earth tomorrow."

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been solved!"

[St John the Blasphemist]

"Oh ... that was the SCREENSAVER."

When I heard it it was the Demo Version, but I guess they're interchangable.

St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Interchangable Punchlines

[Poincare's Stepchild]

Why do Baptists never have sex standing up?

Someone might think they are dancing.

[Aeger]

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.

He also was quite a spiritual person.

Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he had bad breath...

So one might venture so far as to call him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."

[Bob the Unbeliever]

One day, Satan was stewing down in Hell, and trying to think of how he could get the 'better' of his arch-rival, Jesus.

He finally hit upon a strategy: a contest would decide who was the superior deity.

Satan immediately appealed to God, to set up the contest. Various venues were suggested, but it was finally settled, that Satan and Jesus would have a COMPUTING contest, using PC's made up (or down) on Earth.

So, each chose his favorite PC, and settled in to the computing contest.

They both worded in word processors, they spread those spread-sheets, they presented those power-points, they computed the data in the databases. They photoed-the photo shops, they googled the internet, they e-mailed the e-mails - in short, for 8 solid hours, both Satan and Jesus PC'd like there was no tomorrow.

The contest was set to end at precisely 10 hours.

9 hours, and 50 minutes, Satan let out a most amazing scream --- there was a power failure! Both Jesus' and Satan's PC's blinked twice, and went dead.

Then, after a minute, the power came back on, and the PC's were up again ...

But, Satan let out an even MORE amazing scream again -- "It's LOST! All my work: LOST--RUINED--TOAST--KAPUT--GONE" *followed by a string of profanity like as never heard previously in all of Eternity*

But, Jesus, on the other hand, just sat back with a small smile ... sort of like the one on the Mona Lisa.

Finally, Satan's rant ran down enough, that he noticed Jesus' smile. Satan exclaimed, "What are YOU smiling about?"

And God answered: "That's easy, Satan .... "





"Jesus Saves"


_____________________________________


Seen on a bumper-sticker the other day:

"Jesus Saves Souls ---

--- and redeems them for valuable prizes!"

[diego]

That reminds me of


Jesus saves ... the rest of you take 100d10 damage.

[St John the Blasphemist]

Found written on a wall:

Jesus Saves, Moses Invests - But only Buddha pays Dividends

St John the Blasphemist
Saint of Graffiti

[Dr. Otis Lansa]

Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!" The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity." The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon that I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?"

[MPTrooper]

Why do Priests where shorts in the shower?

They can't look down on the unemployed.

[deadgenome]

Here's a rather filthy yet simple joke that reduces my chance of rapture by at least a few thousand percent...

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I know Jesus loves me,
He swallows.

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my favourite jesus joke tho is the one on my signature...

Here's a very old joke that I got from a Neil Stevenson book...

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A pious young man is about to have sex with an experienced harlot and she asks him to slip a length of knotted sheep gut onto his manhood so as not to get her pregnant.

As he is doing this he asks 'If I am wearing this, perhaps it means that we are not really having sex and so therefore it is not a sin?'

The harlot looks at him with a smile and replies 'Many religious folk hold that view when it suits them, though if it is not we who are having sex, then you might have to explain to your maker why it is you are sodomising a dead sheep.'

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