Genesis Chapter I

[EurekaMan]

Genesis

Chapter One
In the beginning, the universe was cold and barren and empty. Suddenly a massive explosion occurred made up of particles and strings. In time many strings came together and his Noodleness was born. But the Flying Spaghetti Monster was not yet complete and he commanded, “give me two balls in which to increase my mass so that I may travelâ€￾ and the balls were created and gently lodged into his mass. When the Flying Spaghetti Monster felt it become part of him he felt that it was good. Then he commanded, “Give me eyes for which to see that which needs to be doneâ€￾ and the Flying Spaghetti Monster took his first look at the early universe and said, “Boy, do I have a lot of work to do.â€￾ Thus ended the first day.

He then with his mighty noodles organized the mess and created galaxies, nebulas and stars. After he looked at what he had done he saw that is was good. Thus ended the second day.

He amused himself by sitting on a black hole spinning to such speed that his Noodleness was flown away from the hole at a great speed. A galatic ‘WHeeeeeeee’ was usually present at the point of release. In one particular galaxy, the ride was so great and gave him so much pleasure that he released a galactic fart, the shock wave so great that it collapsed a nearby nebula. He watched as the cloud grew into a planetary system complete with a different kind of star then he had created and he saw that it was good.

He was so pleased that he returned to every galaxy he had made, and to every nebula large and small he turned and produced the same galactic fart and he did this throughout the universe. Thus ended the third day.

On the fourth day a particular planet caught the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s eye. A small blue planet, in a good neighborhood. He commanded “Let the land rise from this little gem and fire burn within to bring forth mountains.â€￾ And he saw that it was good. “And let there be plants and foliage on the land, because blue green is so slickâ€￾ and trees were seen on the mountains and he rejoiced at what he had done.

It was at this point that the Flying Spaghetti Monster realized that he was alone. “In all of my travels I have met no one like me, nothing that….â€￾ And the Flying Spaghetti Monster sat atop the highest mountain and sobbed and his tears created the world’s first rivers. Thus ended the fifth day.

On the morning of the sixth day, the Flying Spaghetti Monster wiped his eyes and combined several minerals together from the earth and added water and stirred the mixture with his noodles into the form of a midget and blew the breath of life into him saying “Here is one I may talk with, walk with, nurture and be friends with.â€￾ The midget opened his eyes looked at the Flying Spaghetti Monster and smiled (although it could have been gas) and said “Googa wawaa poopoo…â€￾. The Flying Spaghetti Monster sighed. Thus ended the sixth day.

On the seventh day the Flying Spaghetti Monster said “Fuck it, I’m going to the beach.â€￾

Chapter II?

[Pooey_Mess]

Your version of Genesis doesn't make the FSM seem timeless (not that He needs to be). His sudden appearance in the early universe seems to have either been caused by A) infinite random forces or, B) Something else created Him (gasp!). He doesn't seem to have no beginning or end.

[DaveL]

and the balls were created and gently lodged into his mass.

Were the balls made of seasoned mince meat? If so, was there an intelligent meat ball designer involved?

Meat balls are irreducibly complex you know. Take away one meat ball and the FSM will have a tough time being both omnipresent and omnipotent (and potent!!).

Also, no mention of grated Parmesan cheese in your account. On which day was this added?

[Cerberus]

That and it only took him 4 days to make the universe. Hence why we have fri sat and sun off.

[TrueFaith]

Scientists have long know that gas is the most primitive form of matter, so it makes sense that the "galactic fart" was the beginning of it all. This is truly and inispired account of the Creation!

[Steve]

and the balls were created and gently lodged into his mass.

Were the balls made of seasoned mince meat? If so, was there an intelligent meat ball designer involved?

Meat balls are irreducibly complex you know. Take away one meat ball and the FSM will have a tough time being both omnipresent and omnipotent (and potent!!).

Also, no mention of grated Parmesan cheese in your account. On which day was this added?

I have a few questions as well. Was there any garlic or parsely used in the creation of the meatballs?

To make matters easier, please post the official meatball recipe.

[Qwertyuiopasd]

MR moon cannot be the midget, for what of the Pesto Mainfesto? although i bet MR Moon is a lower diety, but Pesto would be first life in the universe Mark II.

also, something MUSTVE gone wrong in his plan, for out of the ocean, he created the first pirate, the [second] midget, and somehow accientaly created the serpent Atkins. then he went on to intelligently design the earth.

He (the FSM) must be an even higher level of exestiance than a great... erm, flying spaghetti monster in the universe, for he created TWO universe like planes, 1) the universe, 2) HEAVEN! so this proves that he predates our universe and heaven.

that is all

RAmen

[Solipsy]

I know, I know... Solipsy again *sigh*... always carping about moving scripture to the "proposed scripture" area found on the main forum index page. Pretty Please With Parmesan on Top? An extra meatball?


Work has begun on the Loose Canon! Auntie Dee Dee has given her blessing and rearranged the boards. His Noodly Appendages are gathering A Council of The Inspired, to kinda somehow organize all this humor and creativity into something approximating a Holy Text.

Want in? PM me. Lemme know what kinds of stuff you're interested in doing for Our Master in Marinara. I'm not like the leader or anything, I'm merely the person who has nothing else to do with my time. I mean it. Nothing. No kids. No job. Don't need money. Not in school. I cook a holy meal now and then, do some laundry... I hate TV. Probably could do something else, but this is hilarious and gives my life meaning... (Sad, ain't it...?)

Yours in sauce,
Solipsy

[Rebellious Waffle]

How about this?



----------------

"In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded."

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And there you have the Big Bang theory!

[Rebellious Waffle]

We could compensate for the small amount of text by having REALLY flashy graphics.

[Solipsy]

Oh, Rebellious, my poor, misguided child...

Well, your chosen name says it all I guess: Rebellious. You must learn, my friend, that the so-called "Big Bang" is in direct opposition to the Highly Scientific Holy Doctrine espoused the devoutly faithful members of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster is Eternal - without beginning or end. He is without cause, but is the cause of all else. He is omnipotent, and can in fact do everything that is logically possible. Can He create a rock so heavy that He can't lift it? That is a question of mere logical trickery devised by finite human reason. Philosophical Reason applied by the finite human mind is insufficient to grasp infinity.

Does the Flying Spaghetti Monster fly? That is the best approximation our limited human understanding can ascribe to His "movement state." He is actually the entire universe and everything in it. He "flies" in the same way that no solid object appears to suspend the planet upon which we walk.

Is He made of durum semolina, bound by egg whites, with a pinch of salt and mixed with water? Are His Orbs made of meat? Is His Sauce tomato? Again, these are the best approximations our limited human understanding can ascribe to Him. He is not "made" of any substance as we understand substances. He made them, but is not made of them. He is "spirit-substance," the same substance of which our souls are made. We cannot grasp the form of our soul-substance, either, even though it dwells inside us.

The closest approximation we can find which represents His Heavenly Form, and the substance which seems infused with His most Holy Tastiness, is Spaghetti. Any of the various kinds of long, thing, pasta or noodly-type foods will suffice. Any protein-based, shapeable spiced food can be used in place of the "Orbs". The "Sauce" can be of many delicious varieties. Thus, this is how He is made manifest by us unto ourselves.

Is He a He? Again, the inadequate answer lies within human inadequacy; in this case, grammatical traditions within the English language which give no gender-neutral pronoun, and have always substituted the paternalistic "He." Yes, it's sexist, but no one seems to want to invent a new word, and referring to Him as It seems somehow disrespectful. Referring to Him as Her seems to make even some women get pissy. I'm not sure why. Regardless, we stick with "He."

Is He a Monster? On this issue, the ancient texts have been consulted numerous times, with no conclusive agreement that "Monster" is in fact the perfect translation. Source texts disagree. Some seem to indicate "Master", while others have referred to "Mammoth" or "Mutant," and one which appears to read "Flowerpot." This has been dismissed as noncannonical, however, because "Flying Spaghetti Flowerpot" makes little sense. It seems that our historical scribes didn't use spell-check.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster created All That There Is. Anything which seems to contradict that is misinterpretation of supposed "data" and "theory" which the Flying Spaghetti Monster changes at His whim. He does this to fool the unfaithful. Once you have been TRULY Touched by His Noodly Appendage, you will come to understand that there is a difference between theory and fact, and most people can be easily fooled into misunderstanding what that means.

[Rebellious Waffle]

So... by that argument...


P1) Nothing existed before the FSM. (There is no 'before', aye?)
P2) The FSM created everything.
C1) Therefore, the FSM created everything from nothing.

P3) The FSM created everything *using some method*
P4) The FSM likes stuff that is cool.
P5) Explosions are cool.
C2) Therefore, the FSM created everything in an explosion.

C1) The FSM created everything from nothing.
C2) The FSM created everything in an explosion.
CFINAL) Therefore, "In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded."

Q.E.D.

[Solipsy]

Poor Misguided Waffle,

You are attempting to apply inadequate human reasoning to the concept of Divine Infinity. You can "propose, surmise, and ergo" all you like, but you'll never grasp it, because it was done by forces beyond which our limited brains can understand. All will be completely revealed to us only after we enter the Heaven of the Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory, at which time we will meld into the infinite, and finally "see" through the Divine "Eyes." That Heaven-Beer is some powerful stuff.

If you choose to tinker with philosophical proofs that attempt to conclude through limited human logic that the FSM created the universe, that's fine, but other limited human minds will doubtlessly argue you back, using the same sorts of mental word-play and la-ti-da gobbeldygook. That's why we rely upon the Irrefutable Revelations of the Divine Science of His Great Creation. Praise Cheeses.

[Rebellious Waffle]

So... if FSM didn't create the universe, something did. It stands to reason.


Which does not invalidate the concept of Nothing exploding.



Besides, my way points out a logical fallacy in the Big Bang theory. Explosions happen as a result of chemical bonds between reactants. If nothing existed before the Big Bang, then there couldn't have been reactants that would result in such an explosion.

Since, FSMism began life as a way to point out logical fallacy in Intelligent Design, I think it ties in rather nicely. Besides, it's a theme upon which one can expound for a long time without running out of new material. Say what you want about it from a pseudotheological perspective, it serves its function when generating narrative/scritural material.



(I can go on being poor and misguided for as long as you like. 'Cos I'm right stubborn that way.)

[Solipsy]

Rebellious Waffle: "So... if FSM didn't create the universe, something did. It stands to reason."

Poor Misguided Stubborn Rebellious Waffle,

At what point do I suggest that the Flying Spaghetti Monster did not create the universe? Of course he did. I'm just saying that this fact is neither provable nor disprovable by crossword puzzle trickery and yadda-yadda fancy-pants logical "proofs" which seek to limit His Grand Creation within the realm of the tiny human mind. FSMism IS Intelligent Design! It is Intelligent Design BY the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Our Science, just like the Science espoused by the proponents of Intelligent Design, does not rely on semantic trickery.

It is eternal, unobservable, irrefutable Science, and that is why it deserves equal time in the classroom with Intelligent Design. I have never said NOTHING created the universe... I have said that the FSM did... and that already-refuted philosophical proofs are not the basis of the Science behind it. Human Reasoning, i.e. Philosophy, is simply inadequate to understand the infinite, unchangeing nature of the FSM. For your edification, please see wikipedia entries for the Ontological, Teleological, and Anthropic arguments for the existence of the FSM or any other deity. All have been shot down. Axiomatic understanding is what is necessary.