Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board Proceedings

[black bart]

Curses...

I need another cunning disguise and quickly...or I'm for the drop!

Me mother always said I'd come to no good.

Stay at 'Marks and Spencers' as a Warehouse boy she said - it's a good solid career for lad like ye...

If only I'd listened to me mummy...If only I hadn't run off with the Christmas takings that day...If only I hadn't stowed away on that ship bound for Trinidad...

*Begins singing loudly to Judge:*

If a picture paints a thousand words
Then why can't I paint you
The words will never show
The you I've come to know
And if a face could launch a thousand ships
Then where am I to go...

[Griffin]

New evidence introduced. Plaintiff approaches bench. Explains expert witness needed to veryify peg leg prints found at scene of crime.

[The Meromorph]

At that point a series of translucent images of headless fish begins travelling across the walls of the courtroom, and a wierd atonal moaning emanates from under the Judge's throne.

[Griffin]

And as the clock struck Ten, Bart burst into the courtroom signing:

When first my old, old love I knew,
My bosom welled with joy;
My riches at her feet I threw -
I was a love-sick boy!
No terms seemed too extravagant
Upon her to employ -
I used to mope, and sigh, and pant,
Just like a love-sick boy!
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank

[OZ_Nick]

Captain Jack gave the singing Bart a stern look.

Captain Jack: Its no use continuing with that Kylie Minogue impression Mr Bart, it fools no one and the court is awake to your tricks. Mr Bailiff, kindly take the remaining Fish Head Cakes and place them on the floor of the dock around the defendent. If you would then please go and retrieve the case of Budweisser from the pound that DaveL was convicted of trying to sell as beer to the Pirastica hooligans last week.

The bailiff returned with a case of "beer".

Captain Jack: Now Mr Bailiff, please be so good as to empty the contents of several of the bottles over the Fish Head Cakes and then retreat to the alcove over there and stand guard with your musket aimed at the Cakes, waiting for my signal. Mr bart, any more of your nonsense and I will order the bailiff to fire upon the Fish Head Cakes, do you understand.

Everyone present shies away from the dock as bart grunts his acknowledgement.

Captain Jack: Now no more of your silly attempts to escape justice. Mr Prosecutor proceed if you please.

Prosecuter: Yes M'lud. I present prosecution exhibit A, a pamphlet the accused was found handing out to unwary seamen at the docks on the 15th instance.

BART'S FAMOUS FISHE HEADE STEWE

Just one Piece of Eight per bowl
Very Nutritious
Guaranteed results
Wholesome ingredients
Get your tickets here
(Redeemable at B&P's Food Emporium Portsmouth)
CAUTION: EAT AT OWN RISK

The Prosecuter sat down with a smug smile

[black bart]

Bart suddenly stands up weilding a microphone and members of his trusty crew appear with electric guitars a synthesizer and a drum kit with the name Herman's Hermits on it. They a launch into an appropriate musical interlude:

Bart:
Well good morning Judge, how are you today
I'm in trouble, please put me away
A pretty thing took a shine to me
I couldn't stop her so I let it be
I couldn't stop her so I let it be
I couldn't stop her so I let it be
I couldn't stop her so I let it be

Crew:
He didn't do it, he wasn't there
He didn't want it, he wouldn't dare

Bart:
Well good morning Judge, yes I'm back again
I'm in trouble, so it's back to the pen
I found a car but I couldn't pay
I fell in love and I drove it away
I fell in love and I drove it away
I fell in love and I drove it away
I fell in love and I drove it away

Crew:
He didn't do it, he wasn't there
He didn't want it, he wouldn't dare

Bart:
I didn't do it, I wasn't there
I didn't want it, I wouldn't dare

Alcatraz is like a home sweet home
I'm so wanted and I'm never alone
San Quentin is the place to be
I'm so happy I don't wanna be free
So happy I don't wanna be free
So happy I don't wanna be free
So happy I don't wanna be free

[The Black Spot]

A shot rang out from the public gallery.

A musket ball - coincidentally with a volume of 10cc - missed Bart's head by a whisker.

[black bart]

We're going down well lads...we usually get shot four times!

[DaveL]

THe defence will call the next witness, Ms Brenda McTavish ' Senior Adult Entertainment Co-ordinator at Madame Fifi's, Portsmouth Dock...

[The Black Spot]

The floorboards creaked and a great shadow loomed over the court.

The sides of the witness box groaned ominously as Brenda took her seat.

"Now, Miss Mc Tavish," said the prosecutor. "When did you first meet the accused?"

[black bart]

Brenda and Bart exchanged a quick wink accross the court room...

[DaveL]

'Later honey', said Brenda and that was just to the judge...

[walktheplank]

...suddenly there was a loud cry from the back of the court.

Everyone looked around to see who caused the disturbance, it was Pirgella and she raced up to Brenda and slapped her round the face. "You leave my cute little Black Bart alone you Pirate snatcher" she said.

Brenda had a face like thunder and she stood up with her huge frame towering above Pirgella. No one had dared slap Brenda before, what would she do, a hush descended on the courtroom as she...

[DaveL]

...put Pir-gella in a huge headlock. Tell the court the truth, you've been secretly seein' DaveL...

[black bart]

The Judge gulped and was visably afraid.

Meanwhile Bart reverted to his brilliant Perry Mason impression with a touch of Columbo thrown in for good measure:

"Just one more thing yer Honor...if dis wuz the Bronx we'd all be lookin at a stretch in San Quentin for young Bart here...can you make it clear to the court what sort of penalty he's lookin at...er, if he's found guilty as charged?