Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board Proceedings

[black bart]

One final question Mr ...er Spot...

Have you ever partaken of the said 'Fish Head Stew?'

A sample of the Stew can be provided for your consumption should you require to refresh your memory...

[The Black Spot]

A bubbling cauldren was wheeled ino the court. One of the court officials dipped a mug into it.

"Would you take a sip of this Mr Spot." The lawyer held the mug towards The Black Spot. Spot moved back in his chair.

"Please. Just one little sip..." said the attorney.

Spot pushed himself further back in his chair.

"Just one eensie weensie sip..."

Then, things seemed to happen very fast...

[OZ_Nick]

Captain Jacks banged his gavel.

Captain Jack: Defense Counsel will approach the bench.

Mr Mason QC approaches.

Captain Jack: Am I to understand that you have brought a sample fo the alleged Fishe Heade Stewe into my court room?

P Mason QC: Yes m'lud

Captain Jack: Tell me then, before you proceed, would you inform the court whether you would be prepared to try a sample yourself?

Mr Mason QC splutters in his beard and turns to look at Bart and the Stewe with a look of utter terror.

Things are indeed looking even worse for Black Bart, but just then Oz_Nick, with a look of resolute determination on his face, begins to quietly unrap the suspicious parcel.

[black bart]

But then to everyones amazement Phineous P Mason Bart downed the Fish Head Stew with one quaff!

"Absolutley delicious...needs a little more salt perhaps and a hint of corriander would bring out the flavour...but on the whole a meal fit for a King".

"I rest my case your honour ... unless you have any more jumped up charges against my esteemed client I move for verdict of Not Guilty..."

"I just need to go to the lavatory...wont be a minute..."

If anything has ever moved faster than Mason at that moment it would have had to have reached Warp Factor 90!

[OZ_Nick]

In the back of the courtroom Oz_Nick appears to be doing something but no-one seems to be sure quite what.

[The Black Spot]

The door banged shut behind Mason, and there was a sound like someone emptying a bucket of chopped liver onto the floor.

Captain Jack:Does the defense offer any further evidence?

P.Mason QC (muffled, from a distance): Yes M'Lud. I call...


edit: I seems to 'ave posted at the same time as Oz_Nick. Arrrr...

[black bart]

...Call for a doctor...HELP!

[The Meromorph]

:Meromorph bursts into the courtroom and distributes small tastefully wrapped packages to each officer of the court:

M'lud, I offer into evidence the new improved Black Bart's Fish Head CAKE!

[The Meromorph]

How did you find out the manufacturing process?! It's a closely guarded secret!

[OZ_Nick]

Captain Keelhaulin' Jack, decides that he should take the precautionary principle to heart and declines to open his package of Fish Head Cake instead he wisely slips it under his gown to take home and use as rat poison.

At the back, Oz_Nick waves the Bailiff over and, while giving him an envelope, whispers in his ear. The bailiff looks at Nick and at the large suspicious looking package on the seat next to him and turns around and retreats to the front of the court. He approaches the bench and passes the envelope to Captain Jack.

Captain Jack opens the envelope and reads the note inside. He looks up nervously to the rear of the court and then turns to the defence counsel.

Captain Jack: Mr Mason-Bart, it has been brought to my attention that the defendant has absconded from the Piratica v Sweden game and that despite your assurances that he would return to court, I see that the dock remains empty. I must inform you that I am issuing warrants for Mr Bart's arrest and immediate keelhauling and return to court. In the meantime we shall continue without the defendant's presence, unless you have any objections?

[Griffin]

Permission to address the court.

I submit there be a certain sum of money in that there envelope passed to the right onrouable Captain.

[OZ_Nick]

Captain Jack: Order in the court! Submission denied! Baliff, arrest that man and bring him to me.

The Bailiff apprehends Griffin before he can draw his cutlass and frog-marches him to the bench.

Captain Jack: What is your name, sir?

Griffin (sheepishly): Griffin. your Exalted Sea Worthiness, Sir.

Captain Jack: Mr Griffin I sentence you to 7 days extra duties for contempt of court. (Whispering) How much are you willing to pay top have the sentence suspended?

Griffin: 10 Dubloons, sir.

Captain Jack strains to hear, then sits back with a self-satisfied smile.

Captain Jack: Sentence wholly suspended for three months, but let this be a warning to all here that I will not tolerate suggestions of impropriety in my court.

Captain Jack turns to the prosecutor just as two surly dockyard maties arrive with Black Bart securely bound in chains, wearing leg irons, heavy iron hand-cuffs and a large iron ball and chain.

Captain Jack: Mr prosecutor, I see that the defendent has been apprehended, you may proceed.

[walktheplank]

Before the prosecutor could begin, there was a loud explosion at the back of the courtroom which created a huge hole in the wall.

Suddenly Francis Drake and his band of Piratica hooligans burst through the hole and made a move to attack Black Bart and his legal team.

Captain Jack was furious “What is the meaning of this intrusion, I will have you all arrested for disrupting the legal processâ€￾

“Apologies to yer honourâ€￾ said Sir Francis Drake “but Black Bart cannot be allowed to leave this courtroom aliveâ€￾

“Why on earth would you wish to kill Black Bartâ€￾ said Cap’n Jack “Is there something I should know that would impact on these proceedingsâ€￾

“I is afraid that Black bart as not been truthful with yer honourâ€￾ said Sir Francis Drake

Cap’n Jack turned to a very worried looking Black Bart “It is time for the truth Black Bart, remember you are still under oathâ€￾

[black bart]

"Ha HAAAA...."

*Phineous P Mason Bart interupts the proceedngs with a flourish of a mighty cutlass which flies out of his hand accidently and pins the Judges Wig to the back of the court room!*

"Sorry about that yer honour...er, just me bread knife, I'll retrieve it and yer wig in a minute." " I can now reveal that the man you are holdin in chains is not Black Bart but a cunningly disguised Colombian footballer whom I payed to take me place. How else do you think I managed to score two goals in 10 minutes!!!!!"

"Oh yes...ye'd never ave spotted me in this cunning disguise...."

* ...and with that Bart leaped up onto a handy chandelier and then dived out of the court room through a flimsy window...*

[The Black Spot]

...straight into the back of the police wagon waiting outside. Within moments, Bart was back up in front of the beak.

Captain Jack: Not so fast Mr Bart. Apart from this nonsense with the disguised Columbian footballer, you have a great deal to answer for.

holds fish head cake at safe distance

Captain Jack: There is more to this than you've told us, isn't there? Speak up, or I'll have you hanged now.