Scurvy Fleet Disciplinary Board Proceedings

[OZ_Nick]

Case No 3487 - Pirate High Council V Black Bart

Clerk of the Court: All inerested parties in the matter o' The Pirate 'igh Counc'l versus Black Bart draw near, Cap'n Keelhaullin' Jack presidin'. All stan'.

Captain Jack: Be seated. Mr Clerk of the Court, read the charges, please.

Clerk of the Court: Yes, m'lud. Mr Black Bart, it is alleged that you:

1. Did procure ingredients for, make, contrive to distribute and sell a prohibited substance, namely his Fish Heade Stewe;

2. Did cruelly and wontonly breach his promise of marriage to a Miss Pirgella of Portsmouth, him being a bounder and a cad;

3. Did leave the establishment of a Madam Fifi without settling his account in the amount of 50 pounds as agreed prior to his accepting services provided by or on behalf of the said Madam Fifi and furthermore that he did attempt to pay this account prior to his making off in haste with brass dubloons, thus bringing the Scurvy Fleet into disprepute by the use of inferior counterfeit coinage; and,

4. Was found sober whilst serving as a member of a raiding party on the London warehouse of the West Indian Over Proof Rum Company.

Captain Jack: Mr Bart, how do you plea?

[Griffin]

Disruption from crowd. Bag o weevils thrown at BBart.

[OZ_Nick]

Captain Jack: Order in the court! Who threw that?

Cast his steeley eye around the court, fixes his gaze on Griffin...

Captain Jack: Mr Bailiff! Take Griffin outside the court and give him some weevil bag throwing lessons. I will not have disruption of the court by inaccurate throwing from the hecklers. Now, Mr Bart, again, how do you plea?

[The Meromorph]

Meromorph opens six large casks of grog and set five of them up in Jury box. Hands sixth cask to judge.

[DaveL]

Capn DaveL leaps across the room at Meromorph, complanin' that it's been at least 5-minutes since he had a drink.

Captain Jack orders Capn Dave back to Bart's character witness bench. Things are not off to a good start for Bart.

[OZ_Nick]

Oz-Nick quietly enters the court with a suspicious looking 25 punder sized package under his arm. He carefully avoids the piercing gaze of Captain Jack and takes a seat at the rear of the gallery.

One of the sentries gives Nick's package a worrisome look, but then sees the expression on Nick's face and decides that discretion is the better part of valor and he isn't being paid enough to raise his concerns. Upon reflection he realises that he isn't being paid at all and during a brief commotion when two of the jury argue over who's turn it is to use the bucket to draw some of Meromorph's grog he makes a quite exit.

Captain Jack takes a draught from his cask and tastes it. He gives a noticeable sigh of approval and waits for Bart to enter his plea.

[OZ_Nick]

Captain Jack wavers between the Beef Vindaloo and the Chicken Tikka Masarla, and mutters "what the heck, Ill have both". As he dips some naan bread in the vindaloo and takes a taste he thinks to himself this trial appears to have gotten off to a very good start! Then he takes another sip of his grog.

[DaveL]

Brenda McTavish spies a lovely piece chicken tandoori and wrestles Juror Jones to the ground. Locked in fight for the spoils, Brenda prevails giving the juror a blackeye. Brenda is returned to the character witness bench.

Things were indeed looking bad for Black Bart!

Things get even worse when the first witness for the defence Black Spot is called to give evidence.

'Please state your name', calls the defence attorney. 'YArghh I be Black Spot.' Please state your occupation 'YArrrr, ey be an evil murderin cutthroat varmint and that's only when Oi be playin soccer' said Spot.

Things were indeed looking bad for Black Bart!

[walktheplank]

“If you please Mr Spot how long have you known Mr Bartâ€￾

“To long grunted Spot, he was in me boarding party when I ambushed Cap’n Cronan’s ship off Trinidadâ€￾

“How did he get on your shipâ€￾

“He was me ship’s cook as me last cook was fed to the sharks for poisoning me parrotâ€￾

“Please answer the question Mr Spot, how did he actually get on your shipâ€￾

“yer varmint, I’ll have yer fer talking ter me loike thatâ€￾

At that point The Black Spot lept over the balcony and jumped on top of Black Bart’s defence attorney. Several swipes of his cutlass later and Black Bart was now looking for a new lawyer.

The case was adjourned by the judge to allow Black Bart to acquire new legal representation. What else could possibly go wrong for Black Bart.

[black bart]

If I might just introduce myself to the Court:

Phinious P Mason Bart, Queen's Council at ones service.

I am here to represent my client - one Black Bart aka Bartholemew Roberts of 38, Sir Harry Seacombe Road, Swansea.

My client would like to enter a plea of...Not Guilty to all charges and laughs in the face of the Dreadful Spindly Killer Fish!

YYYYAAARRRRR! er... I mean your witness yer honour.

[Griffin]

Griffin returns to court with excellent throwing skills. Throws bag of white flour at BBart which explodes in mid-air just above BBart's head effecting a drastic effect on Bbart's Grecian 2000 look.

Captain Jack misses the action and enquires why the scurvy character with the strange white hair is in his court. Orders a body seacrh.

[black bart]

I put it you...er...Griffin I believe is how you like to be known...that you were a bad influence on my client from the start. Did you or did you not encourage my client to indulge in cullinary activities and to neglect his duties as a Pirate?

[Griffin]

I did not Sir. It's a lie. A damned lie.

Captain Jack: this trial is not about my character. Please strike that question from the record.

In so far as it may concern the court, there seems to be some confusion between myself and one Lord Cap'n Treadmill QC.

[black bart]

This witness is clearly in a confused state your honour...

...perhaps I may suggest that an intoxicating liquor may be involved. One minute the witness claims to be called Griffin and the next a certain Lord Treadmill...since when does the aristocracy go about wearing the atire of a common Pirate?

I expect that bird on your shoulder goes by the name of Lady Hamilton...

[The Black Spot]

In desperation, P. Mason recalled The Black Spot as a character witness.

The Black Spot leaned back in the witness chair.

The defence attorney tried to lever some advantage.

"Will you tell the court whether you have ever witnessed Bart dispensing the aforementioned stew?"

"Arrr," said The Black Spot. "Can't say I have."

"You see!" said the defence to the court. "There is no actual proof that my client ever dished out this foul substance".

"Ye could say that," said Spot. "Bart always hid when the dinners were dished up. Me crew would o' lynched the poisonous bastid if 'eed shown 'is face. 'Ee always waited until..."

"No further questions!" said the defence.

"I remembers a trail of distruction 'ee left in Portsmouth," said The Black Spot. "Hordes o' people in the streets - all holdin' their guts an moanin..."

"The Witness is excused!" yelled the defense attorney.

"'Ee opened a weevil shop in Southampton once. Decimated the locals..."

"Somebody stop him talking" yelled the defense.

"Then there was the dinner party 'ee 'ad..."

It was indeed looking grim for Bart.