the book of Fearsome Pirate Pete

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the book of Fearsome Pirate Pete

Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Tue Sep 20, 2005 4:45 pm

This is the Thread for the Book of Fearsome Pirate Pete. or for short, FPP. if there are other storys on pirates in the Loos Canon, then they should all be in their own section, called the book of YEARG!

but enough of me land-lubber talkin, ON WITH THE PIRATEYNESS!


CHAPTER ONE
Once, before the time of the great Beards, or even of Sir Francis Drake, there was a pirate, feared more than fear itself, and his name was Mad Jack the Deadly.
But this story is not about him. It involves him, but he was kind of a jerk. This story is about Fearsome Pirate Pete. Pirate Pete was your average Pirate, a little more brawn than brains, but still very clever. He sailed with a captian by the name of Smithee in the Caribbean. Smithee often left the crew guarding this ship while he went into town, occaisionally coming back with some reddish sauce-like stains on his mouth. The pirates, being simple-minded as they were, and the captian was rather sophistaced, they figgerd it was some kind of food. Or blood, they weren’t quiet sure, but when ever any of the rookies asked about it, he gained 582 and a half lashing, so they kept them mouths shut.
One day their captian did not return in five hours, which was long enough to announce him legally dead in the Caribbean at that time, so Pirate Pete and his best mate, Tiny, the Midget, decided to search for him. They found him in the alley behind an itallian grog bar. On his dead chest was a lone noodle. Pete instintivly ate it, and started feeling dizzy. His first thought was it was poison, but soon an image of the FSM came into not-so-clear view. he heard unto himself a voice like no other saying, “beware, for the atkins is after your kind.â€￾ The vision dissapreard, and Pete promptly fell face forward into a pile of old food and rat dung.
He woke up to gun fire and shouting. “whart the hells going on?â€￾ Tiny, being a canadain replied, “Mad Jack’s pillaging, eh.â€￾ “well get the bloody hell off me and start looting ya scavras swab! We’ll stow away on his ship and sail there.â€￾ Pete said this without thinking, as usual, but what he did not know was that his words were guided by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. “ow’d you know our old crew left Eh?â€￾ “they did? THOSE DAMN BASTARDS!â€￾ Pirate Pete then went on to loot in a raving madman fashion.
They did stow away on his ship, and blended in quiet well. They made good conversation with the second mate, Nikta. One day, after about a month of pillaging islands, Mad Jack came out of his cabin to talk to the crew. “In light of me first mate’s death, me second mate’s now me first mate. But who’ll be my second mate now hmm? You there! Yer not one of my pirates! Where the hell’d ye come fromâ€￾ he pointed at Pete. “d’ahar, ah confess, me and me bro stowed away fer we were left behind when we got… uh… drunk at a bar somehwheres.â€￾ “WE’LL YER ME SECOND MATE A SCALAWAG! NEXT TIME DON’T BE THINKING ABOUT STEALING AWAY ON ME SHIP YA HEAR?â€￾ “aye cap’n.â€￾
CHAPTER TWO
At Petes appointment of second mate, Nikta shared with him a secret. A secret of Pasta. He showed him the way of pasta. He showed him all of the great meals, Spaghetti and meatballs, macaroni, ravioli, Penne, and all other sorts.
Then one fateful night, the captian, his mates, and a few servants, were eating Pasta in a really good diner just two blocks down from 31 flavors on… oh right, the story. Suddenly, there was a flash of lights, centered around Mad Jack. He began shaking uncontrollably, and then fell face first into his pasta. “shame… it was a good Penne pasta…â€￾ Pete Said, regretting the waste of the Pasta. “you know why he died?â€￾ Nitka asked Pete. “nar. But’d be great advantage te know wouldn’t it?â€￾ “yes… it would. And I know why he died. he ate too many carbs. I believe we should switch to low carb foods.â€￾ Pete had a sudden and un-provoked lapse of suspision of Nikta. He tried to remember what that Spaghetti thing had told him… Beware, for the atkins is after your kind. Nothing. He re-wound it and played it again. dnik ruoy retfa si snikta eht rof, eraweB. Beware, for the atkins is after your kind. Still nothing. dnik ruoy retfa si snikta- he stopped thinking. He found it. “Yer not one of them evil folk are ye?â€￾ “no, no, whats evil about not dying? Or getting fat. Trust me, I learned from this book on the Atkins diet.â€￾ “THAR! HE BE EVIL! EVIL! He didn’t die from Too much carbs, he died from too LESS carbs! Yer just tryin’ te kill all us pirates!â€￾ Nikta proceded to explode. In his place rose a gaint serpent. “Just eat the low-carb pasta. It’ll be good for you. you wont be fa-aatâ€￾ he said “fatâ€￾ with a bit of a tune, “come with me, and you live a life of happiness! You will lose 10 pounds in the first week!â€￾ “no! ye be evil! EVIL! MAY HIS NOODLYNESS PROTECT ME!â€￾ upon these words, the Spaghetti and meatballs Pete was eating rose up, and gained more mass and eyestalks. And Lo! It was the Flying Spaghetti monster! “be gone foul beast, eradicate these Pirates, protected by me, no more. Remember, foul Atkins, although it was an accident, I put you into this world, I can take you right back out.â€￾ Atkins Hissed with great remose, and crashed through the window, diving into the sea “ye… Ye are thar Great Spaghetti Monster. Ye saved me.â€￾ “what can I say? I’m omnipent, its what I do. Hasta La Pasta Peteyâ€￾ “Ne’er call me that EVEr again.â€￾ the flying spaghetti then fell to the floor, and Pete felt the great presence leave. Pete then ate the Pasta. For it was good.
In the morning, Tiny came in to check on Pete, and found him lying asleep on a huge pile of Spaghetti. “what the hell are ye doing, eh?â€￾ “yar… I believe I was dreaming of a grog volcano… ne’er mind.â€￾ Tiny looked around, and saw the pasta, the dead captain, and the exploded body of Nitka. “as ye can see, Cap’n Jack is dead, from seizures, and Nikta exploded.â€￾ Pete said. “totally unrelated events eh?â€￾ “eh.â€￾ Pete said. “what ye be meaning, eh?â€￾ “well, they weren’t totally unrelated. A Flying Spaghetti monster killed Cap’n Jack fer eating low-carbs, and Nikta for feeding it te him.â€￾ “eh… good story.â€￾ “uh… aye. Better go tell the crew.â€￾
When he finally got the crew assembled, seven hours later, Pirate Pete announced what had happened, and how he was the new Captian, and Tiny was to be his first mate. “what about the second mate, eh?â€￾ Tiny said to Pete. “yar, good’n ideer.â€￾ Said Pete “enie minie miny moe…â€￾ Pete said to himself. “you there!â€￾ he called out, pointing to a paleish Pirate with a horned helm and a hammer. “wharts ye name?â€￾ “they call me Ushnor the Great and Awesomeâ€￾ Pete’s eyebrow raised itself skeptically “ye think yer high and mighty…â€￾ “eh?â€￾ added Tiny. “I got the title because of my hammer. Everybody started calling me Ushnor the Great and Awesome after I smashed some guys head open in a bar one night.â€￾ “yar. Me likes yer style. Yer me new second mate.â€￾


question, comments, concerns? i can always make edits, I am completetely prepared to re-word almost anything. if anyone thinks a line could be re-worded, and make a good quote, tell me and i shall change it. later on in this thread i will have a list of good quotes from the book of FPP i have already. I put this in chapters, divided as by when i've posted them. I will probably keep them that way, but just for posterity, quoting will ignore them, so it'll be like "The vision dissapreard, and Pete promptly fell face forward into a pile of old food and rat dung" Pete 3:7.

you don't have to clog up the thread by saying "love it, can't wait for next" (no offense). ye could say that, but only with a question, comment, or concern. I already know ye think its a work of art better'n Shakspeare. :fsm_glee:

RAmen
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Postby Ushnor on Tue Sep 20, 2005 8:52 pm

Yarrrr! Good job! I think my awesomeness really came across in that last paragraph.

I gots an idear for a part maybe later down the line. Pete fights another pirate ship, and a kraken sinks it! Or at least the pirates think it's a kraken, put Pete knows it was Him...

Also, is Atkins still on the boat? Ya' never said a thing 'bought him gettin' off.
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Tue Sep 20, 2005 9:18 pm

well, what i meant was that he was all like, oh damn, and if he were over water, he'd jump and splash down into the sea, and swim away. but alas, he be in a pirate ship. so he did some cool flashy exit effect that CLEARLY means he left. besides, thar FSM woulda known were he still on the boat.
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Postby Ushnor on Tue Sep 20, 2005 10:07 pm

Atkins Hissed with great remose, and slipped out of sight.


You may want to say he left the ship or something. I thought he was still on there plotting Petes doom.
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Tue Sep 20, 2005 10:11 pm

there, i edited it, ya happy? (make sure you got that soliphsy, a midgit sized change in the scripture)

...nit-picking ninny's... the lot of ya.
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Thu Sep 22, 2005 8:50 pm

ere's the third installment. or second. don't really matter. hope you enjoy:


That night, The FSM talked to Pete to explain him about all. Fearsome Pirate Pete especially liked the part about the grog volcano. Then in the morning, the new and enlightened Pete called in his First and Second mate for a meeting. “yer all used te the pillaging thing righ’?â€￾ “eh.â€￾ “yes, but I actually would like to go to my homeland for a Holidayâ€￾ “eh?â€￾ “that’s my line Eh!â€￾ said Tiny “if’n ye don’t like it, leave.â€￾ Pete retorted as Tiny grumbled. “yes, its dedicated to thor. We have a huge hunting fest and bash the skulls of wild hogs open.â€￾ “ahar! It’ll be a great family outin- I mean… trip fer the crew. Tiny, go singal to take winds to the north! With as much speed as possible. I’m starting to like these norse peopleâ€￾
And Lo, did they set out. for fourteen days and fifteen nights did they travel, north, until the waters were a bit sloshy with melted ice, and the winds chilled all to the bone. It seemed as if no life could be there. But then, something smashed into the port side of the ship. “AVAST! TIE YER SELF TO THE RIGGINGS! MAN THE LIFE BOATS! WERE GOING DOWN!â€￾ after yelling at the crew, he turned to Tiny, who returned to report the damage. “woods a little dented, but so far we have no fear of sinking. It might’ve been a retarded whale, but-â€￾ another bash, this time to the Starboard. “WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON!â€￾ ushnor came into view, pale as a ghost. I mean, you think people from the far north are pale, but this guy was so white, he was black! “it’s the kraken.â€￾ “the what? Nevermind, are we safe, or screwed?â€￾ “seriously screwed.â€￾ Ushnor said, still dead-still. Another bash, from both sides, and a tip to the port, and they fell in the ocean. Pete tried opening his eyes, and saw the two large dark circles, and some noodly appendages. Twas the FSM, not the kraken. And thus did the tide set Pete to shore, where he passed out.
Fearsome Pirate Pete woke up rather rudely by a penguin. It pecked at his eyes until Pete whacked it across the head. “bloody hell tiny, enoughs enou-â€￾ pete said waking up, seeing the desolate landscape, and a rather confused penguin, Pete was thouroughly confused. “I say, why did you just slap me across the face chap?â€￾ Pete looked around for the source of the voice, standing up. “me you twittering nitwit!â€￾ said the penguin. “what in the name of penne… yer a talking penguin!â€￾ “and you are a gorilla who smells like alcohol.â€￾ “come now, let’s not be callin’ names here. Where the bloody hell are we anyway?â€￾ “well I was going to ask you ol chap, but you seem rather hostile.â€￾ “me greatest apoligies, its not like I wake up getting poked in the eye every day.â€￾ “quite. My name is Bobâ€￾ Bob reached out a flipper, supposedly to handshake, but Pete wasn’t quite sure. “arr… me names Fearsome Pirate Pete. Pirater and professional Grog Guzzlerâ€￾ “grog guzzler? Sounds rather brutishâ€￾ “it was a contest somewhere in puerto rico.â€￾ “quite. Lets get moving shall we?â€￾ “where the ruddy hell are we going?â€￾ pete asked. “where are you going?â€￾ “well, theres this norse festival involving smashing the sku… uh… big feast. Lots of food.â€￾ “right. Well then, we mustn’t be late.â€￾ Said Bob, and he started waddling off in a direction, acting like he knew exactly where he was going. “where the bloody hell am i…â€￾ muttered Pete.


just a few things before i go. if you have toruble underanding who's talking, let me know. to all you norse people (ushnor only) i made up this holiday, because it worked well with ushnor and Petes personalities.

the next part of the book will be a little more serious, with life-lessons and proverbs.

RAmen
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Fri Sep 23, 2005 5:21 pm

its doth not make me happy how short the last bit was. twas a littl be of an inbetweenquil. heres a freaking long bit


Fearsome Pirate Pete and Bob traveled far through the wintery wasteland. “d’ye know of any dangers in these lands?â€￾ “not a clue.â€￾ Said Bob. “bloody penguin…â€￾ they heard a lone howl off in the distance. Pete scanned the horizon and saw a wolf, howling sadly. “lets go have a look, shall we?â€￾ Bob suggested, and they both went to the wolf. “what? P-people.. what are you doing here?â€￾ “ye best be akin’ someone else, I don’t know what the hell is goin’ on anymore, talking animals and all.â€￾ “oh do be quiet pete! We are just passing through the area.â€￾ Said Bob. “oh, okay then… move along and leave me alone please…â€￾ “well lets get going then.â€￾ Bob started waddling off again, this action seemed to sadden the wolf. “now wait a minute.â€￾ Pete said, noticing the injustice “Wharts makin’ ye so sad?â€￾ “well… its my wife, we had an argument… and… well… *sniff*â€￾ “yar, I get he point. Its sounds like wanna them argeements bout nuthenâ€￾ after some trouble, Pete got the wolf to take him to where he thought his wife was, and they found her howling just as he was. And thus did they rejoice. “ye know what yer problem was, ye dinna fergive each other. Ye needs compassion, or else where d’ye end up? All alone.â€￾ Pete said. “touching speech pete, but how compassionate were you to me and this wolf at first, hmm?â€￾ “ah- darg… lets just get a move on, we need’n te be getting to thar feast soon, they might start without us.â€￾ And Thus did Fearsome Pirate Pete learn Compassion.
Feasome Pirate Pete and Bob walked for even more than before they had met the wolf. Until, that is, until they saw some movement in the distance ahead. Pete and Bob picked up speed and caught up with the movement. Twas a snake an a gerbil, conversing about different types of cheese. “oi, what’er ye doin’ ‘ere?â€￾ Pete said. “us?â€￾ asked the gerbil. “exuse my smelly friend’s rudeness of interrupting you. but we are curious to as how you are hereâ€￾ “well, I was returning home, and I ran into this snake, no doubt the same way you two met each other.â€￾ The gerbil said. “well, I’ma bet on not bein’ thar EXACT same way.â€￾ Pete said, looking at Bob’s Beak. “yes, anyway, at first I was afraid I would be eaten, but thankfully this is one compassionate snake.â€￾ “ah yes, we know much of compassion.â€￾ Bob said. “yesss. Well, we really should be on our way.â€￾ Said the snake. “not to worry, not to worry, were both going in the same direction. I’m sure we would love to see your family mr. gerbil.â€￾ “yes! As they say, the more the merrier!â€￾ for the rest of the trip to the Gerbils home, the Gerbil talked on an on about his family. When they came to the Gerbils home, he called for his familiy to come out and meet the guests. “ooh! I’ll have to make many extra portions tonightâ€￾ said Mrs. Gerbil. “no, no, no, we do not intended to intrude upon your home, besides, I doubt we’d fit in *cough*â€￾ said Bob politely. “yesyesyeysyes! How silly of me. hehe, I see, mr. snake, will we have you for dinner?â€￾ “uh.. yesss. Yesss you could sssay that.â€￾ The snake replied, “but it is I who shall have you for dinner!â€￾ and he lunged at Mrs. Gerbil with his mouth gaping open wide. But Pete caught him by the neck. “ahh, a traiter have we?â€￾ Pete said, “Bob, would you like to do the honors?â€￾ “quietâ€￾ Bob said. “BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH SLAP!â€￾ Bob slapped the snake across the face. This unfortuanly had an effect of the five young gerbils standing by their mother. they started yelling and assaulting the snake with slaps. “I-I’m so sorry… I should’ve known he was fooling me…â€￾ mr. gerbil confessed to Pete. “nar, s’n not yer fault. Trustworthyness is important for all, and those who don’t have it are bound to be bitchslapped. Speaking of which.â€￾ Pete grabbed the snake by the tail, and started swinging him around wildy. He finally let go, flinging the snake into the air until he was but a speck on the horizon. “thank you, if you were not here… I doubt I’d have defended myself… thankyou.â€￾ “not at all, just being good subjects of his noodlyness.â€￾ And thus did Fearsome Pirate Pete learn the importance of trustworthyness. And the importance of not trying to eat gerbils.
They left the Gerbils home, and set off again. they walked so far, they felt as if they could not go any farther, as if they had walked round the world. Then Pete spotted a Polar Bear in the distance, prowling and pacing, as if guarding something. “oi! Ye think we should go up to it… looks like its guarding its territory…â€￾ “it’s your call Pete.â€￾ “I’ma say we wait and see if it goes away. I don’t wanna be mauled before the fest.â€￾ “you mean feast.â€￾ “uh.. yeah, feast… we’ll, I haven’t been honest with ye, it’s a holiday invlvoing smashing the skulls of wild boar open.â€￾ “and why didn’t you tell me?â€￾ “we’ll, ah dinna know how ye’d take it. Being an animal yerself and all.â€￾ “yes, we’ll lets try and get some rest first. Who knows how long that bear will be there.â€￾ Bob said. After waking up, Pete saw that the bear was still there, but sleeping himself. He woke bob, and they tried creeping past it. It awoke. “aaauuuggh! Stay away! Don’t hurt me again!â€￾ it said, jumping away from them. “calm down ol’ chap. We mean you no harm. How are you hurt?â€￾ bob said In a calm voice. “its my paw. I was in a fight over territory, and the other bear bit my paw.â€￾ “’ere, I was saving this for flesh wounds, but I think it’ll help ye.â€￾ Pete said, pulling out a bandana, and wrapping it around his paw. “I saw you there before. I was hoping you’d help me.â€￾ Pete said nothing. “Pete.â€￾ Bob said sternly. “arr, we was hoping ye wouldn’t maul us. Ah suppose oi was a little prejudice on ye.â€￾ “right Pete, you shouldn’t judge people just because of the way they look or appear to be acting.â€￾ “thanks guys, I’m off to reclaim my territory.â€￾ And he went off into the horizon, limping a little. And Thus did Pete learn not to be Prejudice.
Not too much farther on their travels, they came across a human, apparently throwing tree trunks. “oi! What’re ye doing?â€￾ Pete yelled. “tha CABER TOSSâ€￾ he replied. “Ah ahm Scott. The best caber tosser in all of Scotland.â€￾ “but… we being in Norway.â€￾ “yah, that’s why ahm here. Te prove to all that ahm the best caber tosser thar is!â€￾ he threw another tree. It flipped once. “AAARRRGGHH! Sounds like a challenge! Lemme try.â€￾ Pete said. He picked up a caber, and threw it. It bounced twice. “uh.. nice…â€￾ Scott threw one, but still it only bounced once. Scott then proceded to run off like a crying baby. “yar, serves ‘I'm right. Braggin bout being the best. AHM the best I am! I’ll be bettin’ I canna beat ANYone in this’er world.â€￾ Pete boasted. “ah.. you seem to have learned nothing from Scott.â€￾ Bob picked up a caber, and threw it. It bounced four times. “aaaa…. Rgh… ah suppose I shoulna brag unless I know I’m right.â€￾ “actually not at all, twas you who made Scott feel so bad, because you bragged.â€￾ “arr… I’ll be rememberin that.â€￾ And Thus did Pete learn Humbleness.
Pete and Bob continued on again. they could almost make out the smoke coming from the fire in the lodge, when Bob yelled. “OUCH! Ow ow ow ow owowowowowowowowOWWW!!!â€￾ “whart happened?â€￾ Pete looked down at Bobs food. He had been stabbed by a pointy stick. Pete pulled it out. “thank you, Pete.â€￾ Bob said. “can ye walk?â€￾ “yes, its not much farther. Lets goâ€￾ thus did Bob claim, but he was limping like a sea-snail. At one point he fell down. “Bob, Lemme carry you.â€￾ “no, no, its alright. I can make it.â€￾ But he had great difficulty getting up and moving again. Pete picked him up, and carried him the rest of the way to the norse lodge. He set Bob down outside the lodge. “now, honestly, can ye walk?â€￾ “yes, yes I can.â€￾ Bob said, “go and have fun with your friends at the festival. I have farther to go. Thank you Pete.â€￾ “arr. If’n ye ever in the carribean, gimmie a call.â€￾ “will do.â€￾ Bob said, and with that, he waddled off into the distance. Thus did Pete learn Loyalty.


and Thus did Qwertyuiopasd learn that carpal tunnel syndrome is BAAAAD!
next time, on FPP, the feast and fest of Thor. will FPP find his mates? how mad was the damage inflicted by the Kraken, will they get back to pillaging? and will there be anymore pengiuns?

find out next week (or whenever i get my lazy ass into gear), same Feasome Thread, same Fearsome Time, Same Fearsome Pirate Pete.
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Postby Ushnor on Sat Sep 24, 2005 1:27 pm

Great stuff, that!
Maybe in the next part, Pete can show the Norwegians the gift of spaghetti at the great feast. We don't have any ya' know...
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sat Sep 24, 2005 10:41 pm

AND NOW! THE PIRATE/VIKING EXTRAVAGANZA YOU'VE ALL BE WAITING FOR!
FEARSOME!
PIRATE
PETE!

*mad guitar shred*

oh right, the story.

Pete entered the long, wooden lodge, and saw there was a great feast. He was greeted fully by Ushnor and Tiny. “where the hell have ya been?â€￾ “eh?â€￾ “arr, on a little stroll ye could say.â€￾ Pete said. “ye need some more grog, eh!â€￾ and thus did Tiny shove a rather large mug of beer down Pete throat. “AAARRRGGGHH! Now tharts some invigoratin’ grog!â€￾ he took another glass down whole. “I’d like you to meet my mum and dad.â€￾ Ushnor said, presenting two Vikings. One was his father, rather larger than Ushnor, he had a graying beard, and had usual Viking apparatus. The other, his mother, obviously. “my name is CRUSHNOR! The crusher.â€￾ The bigger Viking said, reaching out his hand to shake. Pete took it, and probably broke a couple finger bones. “tharts quiet a vicious grip ye gots thar. I can see where ye got yer name.â€￾ Ushnor’s mother gave him a nice handshake. “its so nice to meet Ushnors friends.â€￾ She said. “yar, tis an honor.. uh… Crushetteâ€￾ he concluded, “so, where being thar food yar?â€￾ “hey, you haven’t met professer fuzzums.â€￾ “professer who?â€￾ Pete was immidiatly knocked down by a rabid wolverine. “down Prof. Fuzzums! DOWN!â€￾ it psychotically lollygagged bad to Ushnor. “sorry, Prof. Fuzzums is wee bit rabid.â€￾ “I can see thart.â€￾ “lets get to eating, eh?â€￾
The feast was good. They had all sorts of foods from the north. But Pete was uncomfortable. THERE WAS NO PASTA. “dun dun dunn, eh?â€￾ “quiet yar!â€￾ another thing amiss was Crushette, she was not eating. “what’s up mum?â€￾ Ushnor asked, “ye seem sad.â€￾ “oh.. its nothing, just, we have a new king. Olaf the Sout.â€￾ “well whats so bad about him?â€￾ “he’s converting all us to Carbonalism. He… he burned Mushnor... because he was sacrificing to odin.â€￾ Pete heard this, and leaned in. “thart izzaint righ’â€￾ “we know, but he’s too powerful.â€￾ “’ow thick’s his skull?â€￾ “well… I don’t know…â€￾ Crushette said quietly. “I think I’m thinking what your thinking, Cap’nâ€￾ “yar. Wheren’ is this Olaf?â€￾ “I think he’s at the head of the ta-â€￾ but she was cut off by a loud voice quieting the hall. “It is my greatest pleasure to be a part of this wonderful norse tradition that won’t ever happen again!â€￾ there was an odd murmur in the crowd. “I’d like to thank those who I’ve met so far. Lushnor, Hushnor, Dushnor, Bushnor, Snushnor, Tushnor, Pushnor, and Zushnor. It will be a great feast! On with your disgusting habit of gouging yourself.â€￾ After the crowd had started talking again, Pete said “yar, that guy is going down.â€￾ Ushnor noticed Olaf leaving through a backdoor, with some light outside. “lets go see what our good king is up to?â€￾ “I need more lines, eh!â€￾ said tiny. “oi! Don’t make me demote ye. Yer gettin’ real whiny lately. Ye needs te eat more pasta. Speaking of which, that’ll be the first order of business after we gert rid of this guy.â€￾
Pete and Ushnor went out the front door, and crept around far enough back to hear what was going on, but not enough to be seen. “so… what was that CRAP I was hearing whilst making my lovely speech?â€￾ said a voice, probably Olaf. “i… I didna mean anything… just.. wor-worshippin’… …â€￾ said a norse voice. “Grushnor!â€￾ Ushnor whispered. “really now? To whom, might I ask?â€￾ Olaf asked. “Th… thor.â€￾ “EVIL! The demon is within ye! We’ll have to do a little exorcism… meheh.. meheeh… mehehahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!â€￾ there was an ominous sizzling noise, a burning sound, and a horrible scream.â€￾ Ushnor tapped Olaf on the shoulder, and he turned.“BIIIITCH SLAP!â€￾ Ushnors hammer came whoosing from his right, and Olaf got bitchslapped by a freaking huge norse hammer. He fell to the ground with a thud, and blood started leaking out of random parts of his face. But alas, twas not Olaf, but The Carbonalist With A Hot Poker. Pete, not having his weapon of choice (a sword) at hand, picked up the hot poker and brandished it as a sword. Olaf pulled a broadsword out of the ground, and did a generic touché movement. He then quickly dropped the sword, pulled a knife out of his boot, and threw it at Pete’s leg, and ran like hell. Pete fell to the ground, but not badly injured. “go on! Get ‘im! I’ll get backup!â€￾ Ushnor ran after Olaf, waving his hammer wildly. Pete got to his feet, and opened the back door. “OI! THERE’S BEEN A LITTLE CHANGE O’ PLANS.â€￾ This quieted the hall. “today’s selection-o-pigs for head smashin’ will be Count Olaf.â€￾ This caused a rush to everyones Hammers, followed by a stamped so large, it pushed down the entire back wall. Pete picked up a Guest Hammer, and joined in the rampage.
Pete quickly came to the front of the mob, and saw Ushnor and Olaf duking out. Olaf, noticing the rather angrey crowed, disarmed Ushnor of this Hammer, and began to pray. Since he had put his weapon down and was not knealing and doing the whole schtick, they didn’t kill him yet. “wharts ‘e been saying yar?â€￾ “I don’t know, mostly just the gerenric crap about ‘save me oh holy lord’ blah blah blahâ€￾ “help me god to destroy these heathens and convert the world!â€￾ Olaf finished. Suddenly, out of the ground came a really large, old man, with light radiating from him. Twas the Atkins we know today. “Hey there Ho there, do you like my new look, petey? I think it makes me look a lot more approachable. I call my new followers, ‘christians’. Has a nice ring to it don’tcha think?â€￾ “ye’ll never get awary with this’n world conquest Atkins! Our Noodly Lord is strong. Besides, I’ve got an angry mob of Vikings with freakin huge hammers! And all ye’ve gots some old foolâ€￾ “aha! But not for long!â€￾ and with these words the fould Atkins took the surrounding mountains, trees, and two midgets that were just kind of standing around into an army of TCWAHP’s. and thus did they charge. It was an epic battle, with many loses on both ends, and a laughing Atkins overhead. Ushnor centered his attention on Olaf. Pete tried to summon the Flying Spaghetti monster, but alas, he got a recorded message “hey, sorry I can’t come now, I’m off making a planet of hot Amazonian babes, but hey, its not like Atkins is going to try to take over the world while I'm gone, right? Leave a message after the beep.â€￾ Pete did curse rather badly, but luckily it was cencored by the beep. As for Ushnor and Olaf, they did continue to duke it out epically, until Ushnor fooled Olaf, and he got a good shot at his knees. Olaf fell, and immiditaly had a Hammer on his head. His head separated into many parts, and where they fell, out came more TCWAHP’s. Ushnor took care of them.
After a while, Atkins realized that the battle was not going in his favor, and thus did he leave. After tending to the injured, the Vikings did walk back to their lodge. Upon entering, they found that Tiny had stayed behind, and had eaten all the food that was left. He had grown very bloated, and looked dead. “TINY! WHAT THE HELL ARE YE DOING! YE’VE EATIN’ ALL OUR FOOD!â€￾ “sorry, eh. I couldn’a help meself. *URP*â€￾ “well what are we going to eat for the feast now?â€￾ Crushnor asked. “I may have an ideer.â€￾ Pete said, looking around for ingreediants. “ey, somebody get me tha fire Olaf was using back there. then, after many long minutes of labor with what little that was not inside of Tiny, Pete did create the first Viking pasta. “’ere have some. It’ll be great before the smash-fest. “speaking of which, lets go smash some skulls! Remember, whoever smashes the most skulls gets his one episode of Pimp My Viking Ship.â€￾ The festival was good. The pasta was good. And the skull-smashing was good. Pete won, 14 skulls ahead of Ushnor. “so… fer this Viking Ship thing, could I be getting’ just a new ship, considr’n me last one sank?â€￾ “of course, I’ll get me men. It uh… will take some time, but we will have it for ye.â€￾ Said Crushnor. And thus for the next three weeks Pete and Ushnor did partake in the Guzzling of Grog and the Eating of Pasta.


EDIT: thanks Solisphy. it is not Carbonalism instead of Christianity. and if anything either offends you, or you think it might offend someone else, please tell me. I don't want to hurt anybodies feelings.
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..........

Postby Solipsy on Sun Sep 25, 2005 2:05 am

And so it came to pass that the copying and the pasting of the posting of the writing, as it did appear thus far in this thread, was done. And the FSM looked down, and His Great Noodly Appendages did quiver with saucy delight. And he did proclaimeth: "Cool. So Far, So Good." Thus spake Our Lord in Marinara.

It was proclaimed throughout that Boards of His Holy Discussion that the Divinely Inspired Writing should not cease, but rather should continue, for to Him, it is most pleasing. And yea, His humble galleyscribe Solipsy did toss and turn upon the seas of the keyboard at all unreasonable hours, and did gather the writings of the inspired, and did organize them and nit-pick them, but not without permission, and did seek to credit them, and will be in touch with the writers of them if any questions ariseth, and doth encourage said writers for to do the same.

Thus did the proclamation end.

Fear not, Just Qwerty. This is just a marker, so I know what I've actually gotten so far. Keep going....
This space for rent,
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sun Sep 25, 2005 8:21 am

oooooooooooh.

thats really smart. OMG! we need am emoticon that shows FSM with Einsitne hair and beard!
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Postby Ushnor on Sun Sep 25, 2005 12:43 pm

Look what I made! Image

I'll e-mail it to Bobby. Or should I PM Omnieiunium? I'll just PM Omnieiunium, I hear Bobby is busy.

EDIT: I didn't make it see threw in the background. I'll fix that first.

Image
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sun Sep 25, 2005 1:34 pm

yaaay! and spaeking of emoticons no one has ever used: :fsm_monocle:

also, where the hell did these come from?
:fsm2:
:fsm_touching:

and whats the story on this?
:shellfish:

anyway, I'll probably have Pirate Pete update by tomorrow! :mrgreen:
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Postby Qwertyuiopasd on Sun Sep 25, 2005 5:07 pm

arr. its a bit early, but i doubt anyone is complainin'

When Pete’s ship was done, a classic Viking ship with some new touches, he assembled a few Norsemen interested in getting a tan, and set of. They sailed for two weeks, but one day, as the sun rose an illuminated the vast atlantic ocean, they saw smoke from where the carribean should be. “whart in thar name o’ pasta…â€￾ Pete directed his men to pick up speed and get there as soon as possible. They came into port at San Juan, which was thoroughly in flames. There was another ship, classic pirate style, and there seemed to be some pilfering going on. “arr ye scurvy dogs, search the who isle fer any informatin!â€￾ Pete ordered his men “Tiny, come with me, we’re checkin’ out that thar ship.â€￾ “but I want to go pillaging, eh!â€￾ “ye can pillage when we done! Now quite yer whining and help me!â€￾ Pete and Tiny crept on to the ship. But luckily, all the guards were drunk out of their minds. Pete motioned for Tiny to check out the Captians cabin. “there’s someone in there eh. e’s defiantly their cap’nâ€￾ “arm goin’ in.â€￾ Pete said as he pulled out his sword. He busted the door down to see a wethered pirate cap’n, and none other than Nikta.
“Nikta… Larts time ah saw ye, ye were a half ‘sploded corpse.â€￾ “yess, well, I have come back, and I now rule the carribean! Any pirate who disobeyes me dies, and I’ve ordered all itallian and high-carb food to be eliminated.â€￾ Nikta said slyly. “ye sick freak.â€￾ “why thank you Peteyâ€￾ Petey clenched his sword as Nikta turned to the captian. “I’m terribly sorry we couldn’t do business sir.â€￾ He stabbed him through the heart, “but I have some other things to attend to.â€￾ And with that, he disappeared. “ahm gonna kill him… Tiny!â€￾ Tiny walked in. “get all thar pirates on this’n island. Make sure they know I’m their commodor. Ye’ll be me first mate, and ushnor’ll be captian o’ me other ship.â€￾ “WHAT? What’s so special about him, EH?â€￾ “well, it mights whell be ‘is ship. I favor a good pirate ship o’er a Viking, and ‘es Viking, and I wanna keep ye on me ship, to help me.â€￾ “riiiight... eh.â€￾ Tiny said, leaving to round up the pirates.
It took some time, but Pete finally got all the pirates on the island together, and had a meeting with Tiny and Ushnor. “alrigh’ ‘eres the plan. It seems thart Nikta ‘as almost done, sa I thinkin’ thart he’s going to finnish it all where it started.â€￾ “and wheres that?â€￾ Ushnor asked. “tha very same isle where me an’ Tiny stowed away on Mad Jacks ship. I’ll give ye the coordinates after the mettin’, Ushnor. We’ll meet up art thar only Itallian restaurant left. Tharts where whe’ll find Nikta. Now lets go get ‘em!â€￾ and with utmost speed, Pete and Ushnor made it to the island by sunset.
Pete sent a few men to sabatoge Niktas ship, wile taking himself, Ushnor, Tiny, and a few other pirates, to go to the restaurant. They busted the door down and saw a Chef arguing with Nikta. “please-a, this is-a all I’ve-a got-a! If ya don’ stop-a right now-a, I’m-a gonna hafta kill you-a.â€￾ “excuse me Hector, it seems we have a visitor. Pete, I’m surprised you didn’t get here earlier. Ah well, I suppose if you want to spend a little more time alive, that’s fine with me. but now, you must perish.â€￾ A trap door opened in the ground, and Pete and Ushnor fell into a pit fifteen feet underground. “Alright men, douse the plase with gasoline, eh.â€￾ “TINY! YOU MUTINOUS DOG!â€￾ Pete said. “I really don’t see how you are supprised Petey, oh well. your foolishness, your death, as they say.â€￾ Nikta said, turning back to Hector. “now then, what do you say to me leaving you here to burn to death with your beloved pasta?â€￾ “that’s-a better death than-a anything-a else.â€￾ “good. I hope you die slowly and painfully. Lets go men!â€￾ Nikta left with Tiny and the other pirates following him. Before they closed the doors, Tiny threw a match onto the gasoline, and the restaurant was engulfed in flames. Hector srambled to get some Spaghetti, and brought it over to the pit. “here-a, grab-a onto-a this-a.â€￾ Pete did so, and miraculously, the pasta did not break. Ushnor came up as well. “now whart?â€￾ Pete asked Hector. “well-a I’d-a like to live-a, and-a KILL that-a jerk-a.â€￾ Ushnor smashed a window open, “EY! If yer done conversing, I’d like to get out of this place!â€￾ Pete nodded, and they all escaped just as the building collapsed.
“so, ‘Ector, Ye know anything bout pirating?â€￾ Pete asked Hector. “yes-a mi papi was-a pirate. And I-a know-a little bout-a boat-a-ing.â€￾ “well how are we going to do anything without a ship? He took yours and burned mine, the scalawag.â€￾ Ushnor added. “yar, Hector, ye know anyone who can hook us up with a ship?â€￾ “yes-a, he lives-a just-a down the street-a.â€￾ “oh Hector,â€￾ Pete asked, “Whats yer last name?â€￾ “Boiardi. Hector Boiardi.â€￾ “arr. Lets go get some revenge!â€￾
they walked down the street, until they came to a dock, with this old geezer in a rocking chair. “arr. We be needin’ a ship fer revenge.â€￾ “oooh, is that so?â€￾ the old geezer said feebly, “wheel, ah’ve got juuuust the thing fer ye young laddie.â€￾ He kept on rocking. “hey! Can we have it?â€￾ Ushnor asked impatiently. “yeass… its’a comin’â€￾ he kept rocking. “WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE WE HERE FOR HECTOR!â€￾ Pete yelled at Hector. “hey-a calm-a down-a. its-a gonna be here any-a minute-a now.â€￾ “wharts gonna be here?â€￾ pete asked. “a ship-aâ€￾. at that moment, a huge pirate ship came into dock. “here’sa cominâ€￾ a pirate with a big black beard jumped off the ship and walked over to the old geezer. “’ere she is. She’s in fine condidtion, and with a crew. Just keep ‘er in good hands, ya hear?â€￾ the Beared Pirate said. “its all good, it’ll be fer this man here.â€￾ The old geezer pointed at Pete. “good. He seems responsible. Well, I’m off.â€￾ And the bearded pirate left. “well, lerts go.â€￾ Pete said.
As they left shore, they could see Nikta’s ship off in the distance. They picked up speed and caught up with it an hour later. Pete snuck up behind Nikta on the starboard, quickly veered left, and opened fire, severly damaging the rudder and certain cabins in the back of the boat. “TAKE THAT YA SCAVAROUS SWAB!â€￾ Pete brought his ship right up next to Nikta’s boat, and boarded. Both their pirates did their stuff, stealing from the others and killing. But Ushnor went looking for Nikta, whilst Pete searched for Tiny. “TINY! SHOW YER FACE YA COWERING MUTINEER!â€￾ Pete shouted. Suddenly, from behind, Pete was stabbed. He turned around, with the sword still lodged in his back. He chuckled. It was tiny. “and ye laughed when I said my back hair would come in handy some day.â€￾ Pete reached around and pulled Tiny’s sword out. Ushnor’s hammer came crashing down on someone’s head nearby, and Tiny picked up that pirates sword. “en guard, eh!â€￾ this battle did not last for long, for Tiny mistakenly pulled his sword up to do a crushing blow to Pete’s head, but Pete blocked it with one sword, and sliced Tiny in half with the other. “may ye ride the bus fer all eternity. Now fer the real evil.â€￾ “err, were you referring to me, petey?â€￾ Said Nikta. Pete turned around to face Nikta. “ne’er call me that again.â€￾ “whats the matter PETEY? Can’t handle the heat?â€￾ “arr, I challenge ye to a duel, insult swordfighting.â€￾ Pete said. “oh, you have a death wish? I never knew… ah well. lets make this more complicated shall we? You must RHYME your retorts. Mwahahahahahahahaha! I’ll start: you look like a monkey in a negligee.â€￾ “Ah look thart much like yer fiancé?â€￾ Pete advanced. “I’ll hound you night and Day!â€￾ “then be a good dog, sit, stay!â€￾ Nikta pushed him back. “Killing you would be justifiable Homicide.â€￾ “’ell then, Killing ye’d be Justifiable Fungicide.â€￾ Pete pushed him back near the back of the boat. “when I’m through with you,â€￾ Nikta started, “would you prefere to be buried, or creamated?â€￾ “with you around, I’d rather be fumigated!â€￾ Pete disarmed Nikta and had him right up against the side. Then, something told Pete to get of the boat immidatly. Trusting his instinct, or whatever this was, Pete commanded his men to get of the enemy ship.
As soon as the last of Pete’s Pirates left Niktas ship, two huge yellowish tentacles rose from the sea, and swallowed Nikta’s ship whole. “blasted pity… twas a fine ship.â€￾ Pete said in regards, then turned to the helm of his ship. “arr. Hector, go make us a fine Pasta dinner.â€￾ “yes-a captin-a.â€￾ Hector said as he walked down to the galley. “arrgh…â€￾ Pete breathed as he looked into the sun-set lit sky. Off into the west he saw an image of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in the clouds. He chose this way, and set off.â€￾


Since no one posted, and what i've added really is only three paragraphs of an ending, i decided to merge it with chapter six.

if ANYONE has ideas for story, please tell me. I'm thinking of going to australia soon, but if anyone has a good ninja plot, I'd be happy to hear it.

also, don't worry about Hector.
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Postby Ushnor on Tue Sep 27, 2005 11:01 pm

Maybe ninjas could attack them when they get to Australia?
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