Wedgie Document

Submit your scriptural writings for inclusion in the Loose Canon, and your tales of ancient FSM Lore, as well as any other FSM-related writing you may have.

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Postby anon1mat0 on Wed Jan 04, 2006 12:43 am

It is glorious! I specially like the "opportunities as a factory worker" part. :fsm_glee:
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Postby yodaman23 on Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:40 pm

When it says that we should have an award winning hollywood movie put in parenthesis after that (by July 9 2003) That being the exact release date of Pirates of the Caribbean.
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Postby Alpaca on Fri Jan 06, 2006 6:49 pm

Done, thank you.

Chimaera, I'm still thinking of how to put your introduction in there. It's really excellent, parodying the form of the Wedge document's introduction word for word, so for me, the issue really is not integrating your introduction into the current one, but putting the funny bits of the current one into yours. Any suggestions, anybody?
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Postby Griffin on Fri Jan 06, 2006 8:02 pm

Herr Prof Van Nathaniel Winter-Wartson has just published a small pamphlet on his home press. It is indigo based ink on vellum and inscribed with a blurred Noodle Crest. It speaks of his personal journey from the deepest depression often suffered by undertakers of extremely slow experiments to the light of FSM inspired technology. The final page is a rare example of the effect of the FSM on tectonic plates with an intricate diagram and some inspired projections of the possible outcomes of global warming in this field. The pamphlet is in limited edition and expected to be a collector's item within the next decade. The FSM, Depression and Global Warming in Tectonic Plate Experiments 2006 NoWartsonUs University Press
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Postby Chimaera on Sat Jan 07, 2006 11:40 am

I love Winter-Wartson's work on experimental plate tectonics. I just read a story about a performance of a "very slow" piece by John Cage which is planned. See Time for John Cage.
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Postby Chimaera on Sun Jan 08, 2006 11:45 am

Alpaca wrote:Chimaera, that is an excellent theory. Where would you like it put within the document?


The original Wedge document does not really contain any ID science topics or research as such, so I am wondering if we should document FSM science and research in some way that ties in with the Wedgie document without actually being part of the document. What do you think?

The following major research areas have already been mentioned on this forum:

Debunking electromagnetic theory and the atheistic works of Maxwell, including:
    * Investigation of documented alien visitations which imply FTL travel
    * Uncovering EM theory's dependence on presumed natural explanations and refusal to accept miraculous explanations
    * Investigating whether Maxwell was an atheist (proving EM theory wrong) or a Christian (proving Christianity right)
    * Documenting the known links between electromagnetism and homosexuality, pornography, and abortion
Debunking astronomy and substituting the planatarium hypothesis, including:
    * Demonstrating that the "stars are balls of fire" hypothesis cannot explain all known natural phenomena (for example, dark matter) and hence proving that the only viable alternative, the sparkling wart hypothesis, must be true
    * Calculating the statistical impossibility of the constellations and the pole star arising from random distribution
    * Experimentally replicating the planetarium (in contrast to scientists' inability to experimentally replicate the formation of stars and solar systems)
    * Investigating the hidden agenda of the Vatican astronomers (are they Catholics? do they unscientifically reject the proven theory of intelligent design?)
Debunking geology, including:
    * Ongoing work on experimental plate tectonics (results may take some time, but are expected to uncover evidence of an intelligent mover)
    * Investigating evidence that disasters attributed to plate tectonics preferentially kill homosexuals, pornographers, and abortionists
    * Proving the irreducible complexity of California

And not (of course) forgetting pirate climatology, though the evidence already presented by our holy prophet is beyond dispute and the theory can be considered complete (cf Revelations 22:18-19).

However, I was also thinking that FSM is one of the very few religions which celebrates the quirky sense of humour of our divine being. Even hardened atheists must admit that a sense of humour is an almost universal feature of intelligent beings. Even the great apes (obviously unrelated to humans) and dolphins (also obviously unrelated to humans, though possibly related to great apes) have been observed to have humour. It is scarcely credible that an intelligent designer would have no sense of humour.

FSM is strongly supportive of intelligent design (though not as a school science subject) and is wholely compatible with ID theory -- in fact it is, in many ways, identical to ID theory. Until now, ID theorists have neglected to search for "humorous design". Ironically, even those secular ID theorists who argue that the intelligent designer may be an alien supercivilisation (an idea first proposed by the respected scientist Erich von Daniken) have failed to investigate this.

Accordingly, I suggest that FSM scientists begin an immediate investigation. We could start with an obvious example. Flatus is almost universally considered hilarious, and the fact that it is flammable is further evidence, were any needed, of this being a divine (or alien) joke.

But we should not restrict our investigations to simplistic humour. There is likely to be evidence for more intellectual jokes. For example, it has been suggested that badgers may be a joke). Another example is the fossilised remains of a human generative organ (mistakenly identified as a finger here: "finger") which looks suspiciously like it was planted by the "humorous designer" to cause amusement, albeit somewhat puerile amusement.
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Postby Griffin on Sat Jan 28, 2006 4:04 am

For the more culturally interested, I believe the Collected anthology of FSM in Shakespeare may be useful. It has yet to find a publisher but that's a mere detail. http://www.venganza.org/forum/viewtopic ... sc&start=0
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Postby Dr. Otis Lansa on Tue Feb 07, 2006 2:18 am

Alpaca wrote:We still need more scientists.


Ahem. False doctorate credentials and all, plus I'm flattered that HSM theory has already been mentioned.

Chimaera wrote:The proposition that food is a divine gift from God is one of the bedrock principles on which Western civilization was built. Its influence can be detected in most, if not all, of the West's greatest achievements, including party politics, flavoured condoms, free sex, and the invention of spaghetti.

Yet a little over ten years ago, this nutritional idea came under wholesale attack by intellectuals drawing on the discoveries of modern domestic science. Debunking the traditional recipes of both God and man, thinkers such as William Dembski, Groucho Marx, and Clement Freud portrayed pasta dishes not as moral and spiritual beings, but as foodstuffs which inhabited a universe ruled by purely personal tastes and whose very flavors and ingredients were dictated by the unbending forces of economy, available raw materials, and Italian peasant traditions. This reductionist conception of pasta eventually infected virtually every area of our culture, from drive-in restaurants and banks to soap opera.


Insert Atkins reference here..... :fsm_rock:
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Re: Wedgie Document

Postby Rebellious Waffle on Tue Feb 21, 2006 11:22 pm

Alpaca wrote:[*]One hundred scientific, academic and technical articles peer reviewed by ourselves, coverin subjects including:


You need a "g" in "covering", dude.
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Postby Alpaca on Tue Feb 21, 2006 11:22 pm

Yeah, I does.

Do.

Done.

Ha! Perfect.

By the way, if any of you moderators wanna edit stuff in... please.
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Postby RandomSam on Fri Mar 17, 2006 1:10 pm

Hi everybody! I have no idea if this is what you want, but I'll post it anyway... please use/change/ignore as you wish.


The social consequences of logical thinking have been devastating: as symptoms, those consequences are certainly worth treating. However, we are convinced that in order to defeat logic, we must cut off its main source. That source is common sense. This is precisely our strategy.

If we view all the effects of logical thinking as a small, unpopular child in a playground, our strategy is intended to function as a "wedgie" that, while giving the other kids a cheap laugh, can attack the entire system of the world's political and economic forces at its weakest point (right between the legs).

The very beginning of this strategy, the "sneaking up from behind," was Bobby Henderson's open letter to the Kansas School Board. We are now building on this momentum by applying upward force to the undergarments, with a positive scientific alternative to common sense, which has come to be called satire. Satire promises to reverse the stifling progress of serious thought, and to replace it with nothing but comedy.
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Postby Dr. Otis Lansa on Fri Mar 17, 2006 1:12 pm

NICE WORK!

Welcome aboard, RandomSam... :fsm_rock:
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Postby RandomSam on Fri Mar 17, 2006 10:13 pm

Dr. Otis Lansa wrote:NICE WORK!
Welcome aboard, RandomSam... :fsm_rock:

Woo! Thanks, glad you liked it!

The Wedge Strategy wrote:Phase I. Scientific Research, Writing & Publicity
Phase II. Publicity & Opinion-making
Phase III. Cultural Confrontation & Renewal

I'm wondering if anyone has ideas for the three phases. If the first phase really is going to be "sneaking up from behind" then the others would be "grabbing" and "pulling upwards"... but that idea might be too silly to get the point across? Has anyone got a better scheme?
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Postby Griffin on Sun Mar 19, 2006 1:40 am

**** Exciting new work on CFS by Herr Professor van Nathanial Winter-Wartson ****

*** If you enjoyed his book on Plate Tectonites, this one's a must have ***

Herr Professor van Nathanial Winter-Wartson today announced the publication date for his forthcoming book on CFS. This book draws together all latest research findings on this distressing condition. The following is a brief summary of Prof. N.W-W’s work.

Chronic Flying Spaghetti-ism (CFS) - similar to but distinct from, Meatball Entropathy (ME) and Flying Monsterism (FM) - is now thought to be caused by mitochondrial failures. A new test that gives a Q score indicates borderline overall failure for CFS sufferers when standing upright. They feel better lying down and their Q scores are then acceptable. Thus it is now known that CFS, in causing the sufferer to need to spend their lives resting lying down, actually is the reason they stay alive. If they stood up too much their hearts would eventually fail, sooner or later. Flying is right out of the question.

Mitochondrial damage causes slowing of recycling of appendage tip polyatom (ATP), or in other words the energy of the noodly functions. One method a CFS sufferer can use to overcome this is by converting appendage dome polyatom (ADP) to ATP but this is lost in waste products meaning a delay while dome-ribose is slowly made from glucose. Meanwhile the sufferer may so urgently need the ATP that a drastic attempt is made to convert glucose into lactic acid to produce a minute but vital drop of ATP. Naturally the result is pain in the noodles, a lack of dome-ribose arising from the misuse of glucose and a strangely lactating noodly appendage.

The damaged mitochondria must be fed the correct raw materials. This is a novel approach but essential and the previous lack of progress seen in CFS sufferers is probably due to this having not been understood before. New tests have been developed:

· To establish the rate at which ATP is recycled in the noodles and where the problem lies when this rate is too slow.
· To establish the efficiency with which ATP is made from ADP and identify the particular deficient factors.
· To check for impairment of the protein that transports ATP and ADP across the mitochondrial membrane.
· NAD levels to assess noodly appendage damage,
· cell-free DNA to asses the cell degradation/death causing doxybun noodly appendage material (DNA) to leave the cell
· Co Q 10 check for deficiency – nukes free radicals such as rogue meatballs
· L carnitine checks if more meatballs are needed
· SODase check levels are high enough to maintain reduction of ambient dangerous superoxide Radicals

By assessing the Mitochondrial damage this way, an individual treatment program may be calculated for the CFS sufferer and their energy cycle restored to be efficient and effective. Many sufferers who have been so patient for years may finally be able to contribute to the global economy once more.

Editor's Note
Private Questions may be submitted by PM to the good Professor from scientists, doctors, and CFS (= CFIDS) sufferers, for further information. NW-W's interpretation of CFS can be further illuminated at http://drmyhill.co.uk/article.cfm?id=373 and http://www.dfwcfids.org/medical/cheney/hrt04lng.htm
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Postby Griffin on Sun Mar 19, 2006 10:22 am

An Interview with Herr Proffessor Nathanial Winter-Wartson:

[j] Prof. your new book on CFS is due out soon. Will you be signing copies?

[NW-W] No. This kind of misuse of energy is the very crux of my findings.

[J] So you advise CFS sufferers to stay in bed?

[NW-W] Yes. If they make too much effort to move around, and particularly to stand upright in a still position, the ATP runs out.

[J] Doesn't this go against current thinking on pacing?

[NW-W] No. People misunderstand the term pacing. Pacing refers to the planned economic use of energy, not to striding around the world in a mannered fashion.

[J] So these people are not being lazy?

[NW-W] No. They should be encouraged to stay in bed and interact with the world by posting to forums on wireless enabled laptops to avoid strain on their noodles.

[J] Thank You Professor Winter-Wartson. One final question. How heavy will your book be?

[NW-W] My publsihers have been excellent and assure me it is well within the lifting power of the average CFS sufferer.
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