The Annual Academy Awards Fer Piratical Arts (The Jim Lads)

[anthrobabe]

Madam Fifi-- special guest presenter approaches the mic and opens the envelope while all wait with hushed breath- except RRR who has a wheeze -- and the winner is
Tanguerra!

Lads and lasses lets all give a hearty ARGH for our winner! Amid thunderous applause and screeching all rise to await Tanguerras proud walk down the aisle to accept her award. After a longish wait madam Fifi approaches the mic and asks Well, where is she anyway?
Black Bart shuffles over to Madam Fifi and whispers in her ear.
She promptly slaps him shouting 'Not now you lout!" and re announces, "Well where is she anyway?"
The mayor approached Madam Fifi and he too whispers in her ear and Madam Fifi falls back clutching a hand to her large hat.
After a few moment pause to gather her composure Madam Fifi reapproaches the mic and announces "Captain Tanguerra can not be here to accept her award due to the fact..." Suddenly from stage left Tanguerra enters engaged completely in battle with Walk the Planks henchmen- with swords thrusting and her hair all askew and blood on her dagger she approaches the stage and in breathless voice says...
"despite the fact that someone attempted to perform unspeakable acts against my person in an attempt to keep me from being here this evening- as you can see I am here. She pauses to run through the last of WTP's henchmen who falls groaning to the stage. I thank you all for this award and hope you will all join me for drinks at the Benbow after the show." With that she flips back her hair and pulls a bottle of rum from her boot and after taking a hearty swig she tips the bottle to the crowd and marches regally from the stage.

The mayor approaches the mic and breathlessly announces a 5 minutes potty break for all......

[Rev. Rowan Redbeard]

There follows absolute pandemonium as all the pirates rush to the head. Black Bart reaches it first, at which point everyone decides to wait until they can use a different potty. (Bart had Fish Head Stew for supper before attending).

[tanguerra]

Tanguerra and Toothless Kate have very sensibly taken up a position at the bar in the foyer and are discussing the evening so far.

"Oiiraaaa%%$ aaargh $&$#@ aaiiek kuu aarrgh dl laaak !@$% ooss aargh ^@#^%%$$! Arrgh!" says Toothless Kate.

"Yar! I'm with you matey!" says Tanguerra. "I definitely think ye was robbed of the Least Intelligible Pirate Accent award, but ye know these things be all rigged anyways!" she says, while gently stroking her new and shiny Jim Lad sitting up on the bar. "Sanchez is going to be pea green with envy though, don't ye think!"

"*Aaiiroo *sai** taka noo *@!#*& aargh &$#!%$ iop orf aarghh s#@&^%%$! Aargh!" says Toothless Kate.

"Aye, I know, but he makes such good cocoa and is so handy about the cabin, what can ye do?"

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Mayor Liversausage came from behind the giant Jim Lad and stood at the podium. He made a few loud coughing noises and the pirates slowly, and noisily began retaking their seats. There were a few arguments between Auntie B and DaveL, who bickered over their seats.
"OOOoooh, AARGHoohDaveL!That be moiy seat!" She bickered.
"YAARGH! Auntie, this wouldn't be yer seat even iffen ye 'ad ye name written on it!"
They then began to scuffle, but with a few sharp cracks across both ears by Pirgella, they slumped back into their seats.

Once everyone had quietened down, Mayor Liversausage said:
"Well, we're a little bit behind, so lets announce the next category! The nominees for...

[tanguerra]

Suddenly, the limelights at the foot of the stage were extinguished and the Portsmouth Municpal Hall was cast into darkness. Even the rowdiest pirate was struck dumb and an eerie silence fell over the auditorium.

A moment, then another moment went by, and then a travelling spotlight was suddenly trained upon a lone figure in the crowd. He stood well over 5'7" tall, and was dressed all in black. Most of his face was obscured by a bushy, black beard, and his pirate hat cast a shadow over his glittering eye, but he was unmistakable. It was The Black Spot!

He held before him a parchment, and in a loud and sonorous voice he intoned:

"The next awarrrrd be fer the Most Dramatic Moment! And the nominees arrrrrre:

[tanguerra]

Captain DaveL fer making FSB walk the plank....

All eyes turn to the big screen where the scene is reenacted:

FSB, .... you'd better hurry up and clarify because I've recommended that you be banned from this forum. Cardinal Queequeg has already got your arse lined up to be kicked out of here, pending my nod of approval - and do you know what. I just gave it! You have outworn your welcome. Go back to Fubar!

There is general applause, many 'Arrghs!' and a few huzzahs! Somebody fires a pistol into the air. Captain Dave is seen looking pleased with himself in a modest and very humble way.

The Black Spot holds up a hand for silence. "The second nominee is...

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

Black Bart fer gettin' rather dramatic o'er the pirate drought a few weeks ago!"

Eyes again swivel to the screen, which shows Black Bart rounding up new pirates from the "First Convert Thread"

Harrr...point yer peg leg in the direcshun of The Admiral Benbow (Pirate Board) matey

Black Bart stands up and takes a bow, and the silverware from all the surrounding tables falls out of his shirt. He scrabbles around for a while, but luckily nobody was paying much attention to him anyway.

They were all looking for their knives and forks, or rather, their very sharp looking knives.

The Black Spot again holds up a hand for silence. "The third nominee is...

[anthrobabe]

..... Oh 'ell, some gits been chewin on my notes again..haf of em is missin- whos the rest o the nominees
... he turns and yells off stage, "who the 'ell left me notes where Chow Mein and his band of rabid goats could get at them!" He turns back and faces the audience with a very red face, "well umm owin to unhexpektid events- I wouldn't suppose ye'd all be inclined to take a paper vote on the award at hand, or barrin that would the two mentioned nominees be willin to share tha prize?"
The Black Spot pauses and peers into the gloomy darkness at the back o the hall; he yells "ok ye gits ye kin turn up tha house lights now! Ah that's better. Whot's that ye be sayin back there- stands up so's we kin see and hears ye."
slowly and a bit wobbly from the back row begins to rise a the very surprising figure of.....

[~NoodleDemon~]

Teh heroic pirate lord ~NoodleDemon~, who suddenly...

[Rev. Rowan Redbeard]

...shrieked like a little girl and ran off towards...

[Mad Willyum Bonney]

.. the water closet , but it was ...

[~NoodleDemon~]

...devoid of any swords with which to kill teh intruders. He then resorted to using his bare fists to...

[Rev. Rowan Redbeard]

...wipe the tears from his eyes as he fell to his knees, shouting "Please! Don't kill me! Kill bart instead!"

[pieces o'nine]

"It be rather late in the day fer new nominations," said The Black Spot, "an that be pitiful as far as drama goes. But we will haccept ye as a third nominee. Be there anyone else wot wants ter throw 'is hat -- or hook -- into thee ring fer this haward?"

[Detective TurtleHolmes]

A loud BOOM! echoes throughout the hall as a man-sized cannonball crashes through the back wall. Pirates of all descriptions grab for their guns.

The cannonball, strangely, splits apart in the middle, leaving a figure hurtling towards the stage. The figure unfolds and reveals himself to be Cap'n Turtlehead! He gives a roguish grin, and every female in the room swoon and wave admirably to the Cap'n. He points two grappling hook guns, one at the top left corner of the massive hall, and the other at the roof. Flicking a switch, the one aimed at the corner retracts, swinging the great Cap'n in a wide circle around the room.
Once the swing reaches the stage, he lets go and careens towards the podium. With an incredibly awesome matrix-like landing, he's driven across the stage. When he grinds to a halt, he gets up majestically and stands at the podium, leaving an awestruck Mayor Liversausage reaching for a piece of paper and a pen to get an autograph.
"AARGH! Oi'd loike te be put up for te 'Mos' Dramatic Moment'. If that wud be okey dokey wit' ye guys."
Almost immediately the crowd erupted in cheers and catcalls. Auntie Blackbeard, Pieces o' Nine and Tanguerra all rushed to the stage, trying to get a piece of the handsome pirate. Tanguerra even threw her underwear at him.

The Black Spot took to the podium again, as Cap'n Turtlehead descended the stairs, and headed to a seat. The entire crowd parted for him. The Black Spot raised a hand and called for silence.
"Well, we got Cap'n T then, who be nex'?"