A pirate with a peg leg, hook hand, and an eye patch was sitting at a bar when the bartender asked him, "How'd you get the peg leg?"
The pirate replied, "Arr, back when I were but a First Mate, we 'ad a run in with a Spanish Galleon, an I lost me leg ta' a round o grapeshot from one o their cannons."
The bartender nodded, impressed and asked, "How about the hook?"
"Oh, I were in a duel with a foppish laird o'er a foine young lass. The blaggard took me hand, but I took his life!"
"Wow," the bartender replied, duly impressed, and finally asked, "How'd you lose your eye?"
"Well, me matey, one day I were walkin down on the docks, I looked up, and a seagull crapped in me eye," the pirate reported sadly.
"That's it?" asked the bartender, incredulously. "Bird shit made you lose your eye?"
"Twas me first day with the hook..."
The Pirate Bard
If a man means me no offense and I am offended, I am a fool. If a man means me offense and I am offended, I am still a fool.
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"I am weary of chickens. How they look up at us with their small eyes as though we were unimportant." - Pablo Naruda
"Well they do. And we are. It's just hard to take it from a damn chicken!" - Greg Brown