This is a 'Woman's Own' type magazine to amuse the hard working Pirate Housewife whilst her Swashbuckling Pirate husband is away at sea. It's time for her to take a well earned break from the household chores, settle down with a nice cup of tea and read...complete saucy nonsense.
Post Short stories and other amusing snippets for our female readers.
Can you fix my blockage?
by Hayley Humpbucket
Mrs Morgan stared forlornly out of the kitchen window, her arms up to the elbows in the murky water in the sink. It had been nearly a full year since her husband Captain Morgan had sailed from Portsmouth Harbour and in that time life had become harder and harder for poor Mrs Morgan. It wasnâ€™t just the sink that was playing up, there were problems all over the house.
Mrs Morgan sat herself down for a cup of tea, a bun and a think. Suddenly a card dropped through the letterbox onto the doormat, she picked it up and read â€œBustlin Brianâ€™s Plumbing Emporium - for all your Plumbing and Household Maintenance needsâ€. Within minutes Mrs Morgan was on the phone, arranging a visit from Brian.
Next morning, when Mrs Morgan opened the door to Brian, she was momentarily taken aback by Brianâ€™s manly demeanor, his strong hands clutching his tool box as he stood in the doorway. â€œCome in,â€ said Mrs M recovering her feminine poise, â€œThatâ€™s a big tool box youâ€™ve got there.â€ Brian brushed passed her into the hall, his large frame accidently nudging her up against the wall. â€œIn my business you need some big tools love, now where do you want me to start?â€ Turning ever so slightly crimson, Mrs M led Brian to the kitchen where he was soon busy with the sink.
Mrs Morgan sighed to herself, it was nice to have a man around the house again, especially one who was such a handyman. When Brian called out, â€œcan you hold my bucketâ€ Mrs M was there like a shot. Crouching under the sink with Brian was the most fun Mrs M had had in months. Sadly Brian had sorted out Mrs Mâ€™s plumbing all too soon and after 5 cups of tea and eighteen biscuits it was time for Brian to leave. As he left, he said: â€˜You shouldnâ€™t have any more problems love. But if you need me, just give me a call.â€™
It was with sadness that Mrs M returned to the empty house each day during the following week. She almost wished she had an excuse to call Brian. So imagine her delight when she discovered the huge jobby sheâ€™d done the other night had completely blocked the loo.
â€˜Iâ€™m sorry about thatâ€™ said Mrs M when Brian turned up, â€˜lucky you had such a big ram rod.â€™ Not only did Brian fix the loo but he also accepted Mrs Mâ€™s offer of a pie and a pint of ale. Brian nodded sympathetically as Mrs M told him about her husband being far away and unlikely to return for many months. â€˜You make a nice pie Mrs Morgan, if you ever need a good rodding, donâ€™t hesitate to call me. â€˜Mrs M smiled, gazing into Brians eyes, please call me Cynthia,â€™ she said, she was debating whether to ask him round for another meal when he got up, thanked her for a pleasant nosh up and said: â€˜Call me if you need meâ€™.
After heâ€™d gone Cynthia sighed to herself, she was only a customer after all, there was no reason to think anything would come of Brianâ€™s visits. Even so, Cynthia wished she had an excuse to call Brian back. Suddenly Cynthia had a flash of inspiration.
When Brian arrived to fix the water tank, he stared at Cynthia. â€˜Iâ€™ve never seen anything like it...Itâ€™s most unusual for your ball cock to drop off and get jammed in your in your main faucet whilst severely inhibiting your air gap.â€™ â€˜ If I had to hazard a guess,â€™ he said, â€˜Iâ€™d say this was the result of deliberate damage.â€™
A big smile spread accross Brians face. Cynthia blushed, standing there in her bra, knickers and suspenders, what an idiot sheâ€™d been., Heâ€™d seen straight through her.
â€˜Well then,â€™ said Brian, â€˜thatâ€™s the plumbing sorted, now where did I put my ram rod?â€™